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Queen Bean of Ponyland
Posts: 24953
    
Location: WYOMING | Murphy - 2014-02-03 10:16 AM We are a team. Sometimes it's not always 50/50. My husband is into performance cars and trucks, and of course I have my horses. There are times when we buy parts instead of things for the horses, and vice versa. He hasn't been able to get any parts this winter because we are building a barn. We know that sometimes it's the other person's turn. This summer, we will be back at the truck pulls and buying parts, so I know that I won't be buying any major horse purchases. Which is OK. We know the drill :)
We are a team also! and hubby runs drag race cars.
We don't ask for permission, LOLOL, but we do certainly take each others opinions into account on any and all things. What I suck at he makes up for and what he sucks at I make up for. We have very similar long term goals and most of the time we really like each other! :)
I would have to say YES ours is a true partnership and we are both SOO lucky! | |
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 Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I am to the point that I am so unhappy in my marriage now that I do not know what else to do. We have been married for almost 2 years (in April) and the relationship has steadily declined within the first 6 months of our marriage. We both work full time and I expected that he would help me when the housework, bills, and etc. would need to be taken care of... instead I am left to do everything. I can no longer do this. I feel like I am doing nothing but fussing constantly and I am miserable. When we first were married he supported me, came to watch me ride, went to shows with me without a fuss. Now he shows up at shows only when a friend of his is going, hangs out with them only and does not even come and sit with me. I feel as tho I am not first in his life and so he has not been first in mine in a long time. We have been going to counseling for 4 months now and I have not seen any improvement or if I have he goes back to the way he once was within 2 weeks or shorter. What would anyone advise to me? Thankfully we do not have children and I cannot see myself having children with him due to his lack of responsibility. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I don't have any advice but I'm praying for you all  | |
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Queen Bean of Ponyland
Posts: 24953
Location: WYOMING | My hubby doesnt come to my shows. He did a few times but UGH how boring for someone who doesnt even like horses. I went to one of his races and that was the one he hit both walls doing 130 mph... so needless to say I dont go to his races anymore. Its our special time to get away from each others crazy and hang with the non spouse friends!! | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | blccwgl55 - 2014-02-03 11:06 AM
I don't have any advice but I'm praying for you all
thank you I appreciate that! | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I feel that hubby and are a team. We don't always agree and our main issue occurs when his family comes and camps out for 6-8 weeks at a time. For the most part, that only happens once a year. But boy does it creates problems. Other than when his family is here, we put each other first. We respect each other and are able to discuss things. We don't really ever say "No" to each other because of the mutual respect and common goals.
Our marriage has evolved over time. When we were first married, I was more than willing to play '50s housewife while working full time. Two kids and completing another degree later, I recognize that I can't do that. Thankfully, he understood and we have a lady come clean every two weeks.
When we were first married, I would go to every roping and video. I've had enough of the duration contests and will show up when he ropes here in town. It's harder to travel and sit there for hours on end with kiddos, so hubby understands. More than anything, I think it comes down to communication. If you can't communicate and get on the same page, there will be problems. Also, no marriage is perfect. I tried to date with my eyes wide open and go through marriage with them half-closed.
Oh, and my latest realization is that he can't read my mind. I finally spoke up about some things I'd like to do and it completely blew his mind. And we're not talking big things. I literally said, "I would like to go to dinner here...." He had NO clue I liked that restaurant. So, my advice is to also speak up. | |
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 Perky Gal
Location: On a paint horse... | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 9:03 AM I am to the point that I am so unhappy in my marriage now that I do not know what else to do. We have been married for almost 2 years (in April) and the relationship has steadily declined within the first 6 months of our marriage. We both work full time and I expected that he would help me when the housework, bills, and etc. would need to be taken care of... instead I am left to do everything. I can no longer do this. I feel like I am doing nothing but fussing constantly and I am miserable. When we first were married he supported me, came to watch me ride, went to shows with me without a fuss. Now he shows up at shows only when a friend of his is going, hangs out with them only and does not even come and sit with me. I feel as tho I am not first in his life and so he has not been first in mine in a long time. We have been going to counseling for 4 months now and I have not seen any improvement or if I have he goes back to the way he once was within 2 weeks or shorter. What would anyone advise to me? Thankfully we do not have children and I cannot see myself having children with him due to his lack of responsibility.
I am by no means an expert on the subject, just observe some unhappy situations. Are you both being totally honest with the counselor? Does he/she see what is going on? Have you met individually with the counselor? Have you thought about trying a different counselor? It sounds to me like he isnt committed to making this work and if thats the case perhaps you should move on. I cant imagine being into it 40 years like my friends and she has totally lost her identity and zest for life but at this point feels its too late to make a change. Life is too short to be unhappy. Many and for you!! | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach |
Thank you very much for prayers they are greatly needed... I have been completely honest with the counselor and when I am (which is every time we go) my husband gets upset and gets his feelings hurt. I believe the counselor sees what is happening but does not want to give up due to loosing his check every week and he gives us "homework" but that never happens either. I'm not sure what to do besides to stop going because it is a waste of our time and the counselors time, and also my father-in-law is paying for it (he is a Baptist minister). | |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| You're very welcome! I do have to say that I'm too familiar with divorce and problematic relationships, and this kinda sounds like a DUH but he has to put forth the effort and WANT to put forth the effort to make it work and to fix your problems. If not, then you may need to emphasize that to him or have to walk away. But I'm no expert so just do what feels right and good luck to you all | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | I remember telling my mom when I was twelve that a man would never be the boss of me. Luckily for me I found a man who was so busy, and I was so busy that bossing or asking was never an issue. I worked a lot and barrelraced and he worked a lot and duck hunted. We were together for 18 years, before he was killed in an accident 11 years ago. I remarried about 8 years ago and boy was I in for a surprise. We grew steadily apart, he thinks I should ask, and I honestly never thought that was an option, I can not even imagine asking him if I can do this or can I go there. I had a house, horses trailers, horses, land , barn and a good job. Now he is acting like a spoiled child. Very passive aggressive, I think he is not strong enough to deal with me on an even playing field. I do not know how I got here. | |
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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | We never look at things percentage wise......One day it will be 50/50 because that's they way that day falls. Another day it will be 70/30, or 80/20. It all depends on the situation. When I was pregnant and later miscarried, hubby did almost everything around the house, from tending horses to cleaning. So he carried most of the weight. On days he is working a lot, long weeks, super tired, 24 hour shifts, then I take over everything. Cook, clean, labor stuff, take him meals, errands. I do 99 percent of the stuff for his parents because my schedule allows flexibiltiy, his doesn't.
When it comes to the horses they are MY responsibility, I pay 100 percent for them. But he claims them as his responsibility as well because I am his wife. I always said if I wanted a successfull marriage I would have to make so many sacrifices and changes with the horses. But in reality, my husband over time completely changed his life to cater to me and my horses. Not because I asked him to, but because he truly enjoys it. He comes to every race, he helps tack up, water, ride, etc. I make sure I take time off and skip some races to spend time with him doing other stuff.
I honestly believe the fact that I know my husband would never ever say NO to me, makes me want to take responibility to not have to ask him. I know when no should be the answer, so I shouldn't have to ask.
I didn't have enough money to order the transition lenses/glasses I wanted. I could get a pair, just not the ones I desired. I called him, asked him if he would split the cost with me and consider it an early birthday present, and he was more then happy to. We have just learned to compromise on everything in life :) | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| fastwrapn3 - 2014-02-03 2:24 PM I remember telling my mom when I was twelve that a man would never be the boss of me. Luckily for me I found a man who was so busy, and I was so busy that bossing or asking was never an issue. I worked a lot and barrelraced and he worked a lot and duck hunted. We were together for 18 years, before he was killed in an accident 11 years ago. I remarried about 8 years ago and boy was I in for a surprise. We grew steadily apart, he thinks I should ask, and I honestly never thought that was an option, I can not even imagine asking him if I can do this or can I go there. I had a house, horses trailers, horses, land , barn and a good job. Now he is acting like a spoiled child. Very passive aggressive, I think he is not strong enough to deal with me on an even playing field. I do not know how I got here.
Makes me sad to think of those who are not in good relationships. I lucked out as we only knew each other for 5 months before we married. Hope you find some happiness whether it is with or without him. Hugs and prayers. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| missroselee - 2014-02-03 2:31 PM
We never look at things percentage wise......One day it will be 50/50 because that's they way that day falls. Another day it will be 70/30, or 80/20. It all depends on the situation. When I was pregnant and later miscarried, hubby did almost everything around the house, from tending horses to cleaning. So he carried most of the weight. On days he is working a lot, long weeks, super tired, 24 hour shifts, then I take over everything. Cook, clean, labor stuff, take him meals, errands. I do 99 percent of the stuff for his parents because my schedule allows flexibiltiy, his doesn't.
When it comes to the horses they are MY responsibility, I pay 100 percent for them. But he claims them as his responsibility as well because I am his wife. I always said if I wanted a successfull marriage I would have to make so many sacrifices and changes with the horses. But in reality, my husband over time completely changed his life to cater to me and my horses. Not because I asked him to, but because he truly enjoys it. He comes to every race, he helps tack up, water, ride, etc. I make sure I take time off and skip some races to spend time with him doing other stuff.
I honestly believe the fact that I know my husband would never ever say NO to me, makes me want to take responibility to not have to ask him. I know when no should be the answer, so I shouldn't have to ask.
I didn't have enough money to order the transition lenses/glasses I wanted. I could get a pair, just not the ones I desired. I called him, asked him if he would split the cost with me and consider it an early birthday present, and he was more then happy to. We have just learned to compromise on everything in life :)
High Fives! My SO and our relationship is very much as you have described yours.
After 5 years together, we compliment each other and work well together. We don't ask or demand but rationally sit down and discuss things. He supports my horses, I support his fishing, we both work on the livestock together. We have the same morals, we respect money the same too. Through our church we are taking a financial class that has helped our resolve and dedication to paying our debt off, but more importantly, the class has shown us the scary bits of relationships and how to deal with them - like bills, planning for major purchases, emergency funds/savings, and how to support each other through the emotional roller coaster that is finances.
I won't say we are always 50/50 ... he was SUPER supportive with my father's recent health problems and I'd like to say I was equally supportive when his grandmother passed away last summer. Its not about who does what, but that all the ends get covered and things are worked on as a team. Some days I do more, other days he does more, we are a team. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers for you | |
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Member
Posts: 20
| I hope you all don't mind me chiming in here. I posted a few months ago about being in a 10 year relationship and it was going downhill, fast...
First of all, I want to say thank you to all those peeps that offered advice and to not give up...to try to figure it out.
My update is this....we talked openly to each other about what we wanted and we found that our goals were still the same. What I finally understood was what changed was me. I wanted more from him and he tried but it made me angry and hurtful towards him. I wasn't being fair. Some days its still a struggle but the struggle is with me, I finally woke up that all the issues I have are my issues and inadequacies.
I know that I am rambling but I wanted to give a huge thanks to those that told me not to throw a GREAT relationship away.
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | I didn't grow up dreaming of the man I'd marry, it was more the horse I'd own, the only white fence in my dreams was a horses fence, LOL! Didn't find the man I was meant to find until I turned 37, a year later my mom suffered an aortic aneurysm and I moved home to help my dad care for her as it also kicked in some Dementia. 4 years later Dave moved in also to help, my parents are older and my dad could no longer take care of the house and the property. Their only heat source was wood and he could no longer chop and haul it, I was working full time and taking care of mom in the evening and on weekends. We have now been together 11 years, have not married because I really dont' want to be married and living in my teenage bedroom,nor does he :-) It hasn't been pretty but it has actually forged us together instead of coming between us. He loves the me I become when I get to ride my horses and goes out of his way to make sure that happens, babysitting my mom for me so I can get away to races or just out to ride. I love how he loves to save anything pre-WWII, jeeps, gas tanks, trucks, furniture and I love to go picking with him or just sit in the Anderondak chair and watch him tinker with his jeeps, another "old girl" saved from becoming a rock climber. He isn't the cowboy or the jock that I looked for in my early 20's, he is a biologist/farmer. Someone said that if they say "my husband wont' let me" it means she really doesn't want to and is throwing him under the bus...that describes me well. I don't care to go out or lots of places, I'd rather hang out with him on a fence watching him garden or tinker on his jeeps or go for a trailride d0wn the creek with him *****ing about his poor butt and how I owe him, LOL!!! I know from him dealing with my parents that when things get tough he won't be the first person headed for the exit door. He is true and honest and the best man I know. I dont' know if that makes it a true partnership but I'm glad I have it and I'm lucky to have him. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 412
Location: In Husker Land | My hubby and I are a team. We have been married over 10 years and together almost 14, sure there are tiimes I want to hurt him...but he is the most supportive man ever. He totally supported me this summer as I was gone every weekend to rodeos, supported me in my goal in making it to mid state finals and also made it to Nebraska state finals. He doesn't always go with me, but he would always go if it was over a four hour trip so he could help drive. I also in turn help him here on the farm and ranch, during calving I do nothing but work my job three days a week and then help him at night and my days off. I love him and would not trade him for the world. He is the best dad and husband ever and I love him more now than when I met him. I posted this article on Facebook a few days ago and it fits us! Said that I am still attracted to his arms yet :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-dewey-rohrich/15-real-reasons-t...
Edited by hckbarrelracer 2014-02-03 8:00 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | I think it's really awesome, y'all that have great teams working in your marriage. I think the reality is that for some of us it's not always that way the majority of the time. To the OP who is having difficulty - Marriage is a big adjustment, and sometimes it's really hard to work in a team - especially when your spouse isn't used to doing that. My husband also takes most everything very personally, which makes it very difficult to approach him with issues. We are committed to each other, but in stressful situations when true colors often come out (we've had our fair share of external changes and stress it seems), I am generally anticipating how to diffuse his anger and negotiating on the front side for us. It takes a lot out of me. But, he isn't a bad person, he just came from a different place then I did, and I just have to remember sometimes that it's so much harder sometimes to treat the person we're with with love, compassion, and honesty than someone who has more distance from the situation - it's harder for me, and I need to work on that myself. God gives strength to those who need it, ask, and you shall receive.
Edited by Ridenrun4745 2014-02-03 8:48 PM
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 Baby Blue's
Posts: 7304
Location: Texas | skeeter 777 - 2014-02-02 11:33 AM Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!!  One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you??
I honestly have THE best husband. He's the best man I've ever met and we're both alphas which can be REALLY interesting. Anyways, if I got a tattoo, fit would hit the shan BIG TIME. It's not that he won't "allow" me to get one (b/c of course, then I would), but he doesn't want me to get one and I respect that...he didn't marry me with any. | |
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