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| What a terribly sad situation for all.
She does not realize she is damaging those children-whether she likes it or not, they are 1/2 him. They can carry tons of guilt for a very long time because the last fight was about them. She should definitely slow her roll on that. Too bad narcissists rarely see the damage they cause to others.
IF they were separated legally, and he still has other living relatives she may not be the "next of kin" who gets to decide his final good bye. If he had a will, he might have named someone else to be the executor. Not a legal eagle by any stretch but I know going through my own divorce, that was one thing the lawyer said we had to do-right away was change my will and medical power of attorney. And it may not be something/a can of worms the family wants to open--keep the peace for the kids.
Prayers to all.
SMH at how cruel people can be.
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
 
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I didnt read all the posts on this but how old are the kids? Many prayers for these poor babys that now dont have a daddy because of a nasty fight with their mother, she sounds like a horribe person.  |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | What about his family? If they were seperated then shouldn't his family have the say so on who or who is not at the funeral? |
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Member
Posts: 7
| Both children are not his by blood. The youngest who I believe is 7 is his, the oldest who is 11 or 12 he adopted. The oldest is her's from a previous soured marriage.
They were not legally separated yet. They were in the midst of the paperwork.
The obit came out this morning. She wrote it. It is nothing more than what he did and how painful his life was up to that day. There is no denying what he did, but I think it was incredibly tacky of her to include those details in the obit. 
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| Wow. This is sad, but she's digging her own hole. If people knew how good he was and know her, they will put two and two together and ignore her.
I'm sorry for all the people dealing with the loss and dealing with having to listen to her rant. |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | WhiteMountainHorses - 2014-03-27 1:09 PM Hollywood's Fan - 2014-03-26 1:40 PM Mona is telling people how awful he was because she doesn't want to be blamed for his demise.
Interesting that people tend to forget the responsibility the individual who commits suicide has in all of this. If his soon to be ex wife is that terrible - why did he commit suicide and leave his children to be raised by her? If he was the good influence in their life, he should have stayed around and weathered the storm for their sake.
Suicide is a very selfish act IMO. I realize that Jim was a tortured soul, but he could have sought help. Instead, he chooses to take the easy way out and leave his children to deal with the fact that they will not have a father. Worse, that their father left them because he took his own life. He didn't care enough about them to stick around and be there for them. Children of a parent who commits suicide usually have a very hard time dealing with it - for the rest of their lives.
Mona may be a biatch, not saying she is not. But Jim did a far worse thing than spread gossip. His act will cause pain for his family forever. JMHO I am not going to argue that what he did was terrible. To leave his children with no support like that is in my opinion the worst thing he could have possibly done for them. Unfortunately when people fall that far into depression they don't see any other way out. Depression can be one of two things, something you can learn to deal with and manage or something that you can allow to consume and destroy you. Unfortunately for his children he was not strong enough to fight his own demons. Suicide is something that most people can not understand. I for one am one of those people. I couldn't imagine leaving my child in this world alone. Suicide is hard on all surviving parties. It is particularly hard on the children and even more so when they hear the surviving parent say such terrible things about the diminished one. The good memories are the ones that should be nurtured and remember, not the horrible things that consumed him. That nasty gossip will get back to the children at some point and it will be 10x as bad by the time it does. My venting was not based off the actual act but off her handling of the situation. He was still loved by his children and by many family and friends. I do not think it is right of her or her mother to run him down or treat the service as an opportunity to cause drama.
No, it is not. Sounds like there is a lot of dysfunction to be spread around here. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1218
Location: Great NW | Friends could write and submit their own obit..... |
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| speedjunkie - 2014-03-27 3:11 PM
Friends could write and submit their own obit.....
Think this is an excellent idea! I mean what is she going to do now....cut them off more?
It would be nice for them to do that, keep some copies of it for when the kids were older as I am sure they will never see it now. |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | First, my sincere condolences to friends and family who cared about Jim, such a tragic loss. Their heartfelt pain must be excruciating under the circumstances. Suicide is never easy to deal with as it goes against our own will to live. Those who are left behind ask themselves why they didn't see any signs, all the "what if's", and list many questions that will forever be unanswered... It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and is utterly devasting to those who care. My heart truly goes out to those whom are suffering.
As far as Mona and Lucy are concerned, you just have to let their actions/behavior role off your back. You can't control their tactless actions or their undesirable behavior, but you can choose how you respond. I would attend the service as a tribute to Jim and to support the children. Depart as quickly as possible. Then, the friends should gather and mourn in their own way, whatever feels right for them.
The children are the ones who will really suffer through this, such a tragedic event in very young lives. A kind word towards them and maybe a mention of "if you ever need to talk (about Jim)..." can be dropped into a conversation at an appropriate time and place. Put aside a few pictures, some happy memories to share with them at a later date. A simple shoulder now or whenever needed in the future is one of the greatest gift you can give them. Maybe create a scrap book that all the friends contribute to, a Tribute Book to Jim, would be a nice gesture.
Finally, I would pray every day for all involved, including Mona and Lucy. Pray for understanding, pray for God's will, pray that that you, your husband and his friends can find it in your heart to forgive Mona and Lucy one day. Pray for peace and love.
My sincere condolences for your loss... |
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Member
Posts: 7
| Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. It was an extremely tough weekend for my husband. We went down Friday so he could hang out with "Rob" for the majority of the day. That evening "Jim's" friends had a bar-b-q so everyone could tell stories and have a few good laughs before the service on Saturday. They spent the evening and into the early hours of the morning dedicating burnouts in his memory (he was a die hard gear-head and drifter). It was decided that there would be a scrap book put together for his children to have when they are ready as well as a plaque dedicated in his name at an abandoned parking lot where they used to hang out.
Saturday morning was dreadful. It started with a Facebook post "Mona" called her "FAQ for the day" which was composed of her telling everyone that she was feeling no remorse or sorrow. That there were no tears or sadness for "Jim" or what had happened and that she just didn't know if she would ever have those feelings. She said that she felt bad for his friends and family and their kids but nothing from her.
"Jim" was not a religious man so we all assumed his service would be a memorial. I guess that's what we get for thinking. It was all prayer for an hour, and the pastor spent at least 5 minutes telling everyone what a senseless tragedy it was and how unfair it was for him to do it. I was without words. We all knew that already but did it really need retouched on at his service? No one but "Mona's" father and her spoke at the service. "Mona's" father told some stories about running the drift cars and then it was "Mona's" turn to speak. She wore a pure white flowing gown with a train. When she stepped onto the podium she was smirking, she did not shed a single tear the entire service. Then she started speaking. There was no kind words about him no stories of the time he spent with his children, in fact, her speech did not once mention anything about him. It was simply her telling us that now she would have the opportunity to start over, to make a new happy life for herself as well as a thank you speech to the community for all of the monetary support she received from the fundraisers she and her mother had already planned and held before he was even in the ground.
After the service they held a luncheon at the church. I didn't want to stay but I was out voted by my husband and mother-in-law and we attended. I couldn't help but notice that even at the luncheon her obnoxiously perky demeanor did not subside. All of Jim's friends tried to avoid her but she made a point of going to see every one of them. When she approached my husband and myself, I simply walked away. I suppose it was not the most compassionate thing to do but I really had nothing nice to say to her and it was best for both of us if I just walked away, especially after listening to her talk at the service and reading her Facebook post from that morning.
We followed the Saturday morning service up with a low key left-overs meal at "Rob's" house and then went to the parking lot where they hung out for a while.
I figured this weekend would be all we would hear about of his death for a while and then "Mona" wrote another FAQ of the day yesterday; here is an excerpt from her post "Sure you could have called him more, but would that have made his brain better? No. Yes, you could have told him you loved him and came over more often when you were living right down the street or when you were in town but would that have made his brain process things any differently?"
I couldn't help but feel like that was directed at my husband and Rob. I feel like she is dragging this pity party out and trying to make others feel bad for what had happened, and with that post she did a pretty **** good job. My husband is having a hard enough time with the whole thing. He was going to call "Jim" that weekend but never got around the phone. He learned when we were down for the service that there were only two friends that "Jim" didn't call that night, my husband and Rob. "Jim" told everyone he talked to that night when they saw or heard from "Rob" or my husband to please tell them know that he loved them and tell them good bye for him. My husband is having a very hard time with that info.
I am hoping that this will all pass and my husband will find peace in knowing that he was still loved by "Jim" even though they had fallen out of touch in the past two years. In the mean time I will keep holding my hubby close and listening when he needs a ear.
Thanks all for allowing me to vent and giving me all the wonderful suggestions. I really appreciated it and it helped me release some anger, frustration and sadness. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| prayers to his family and his kids. The ex-wife looks like the idiot. |
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 Road Rash Expert
Posts: 5501
Location: Near San Antonio, TX | Wow, Mona sounds like a real piece of work. I will continue to pray for your husband as he deals with this. This is just so awful for all involved. |
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