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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
   
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | RidgeViewFarms19 - 2014-04-13 7:24 PM Thanks to everyone for the advice, I was barrel racing before we met and the whole time we where dating and he even went to shows with me an bought his own barrel horse not long after we got Married. But he wouldn't practice and started hitting barrels and gave up also was to stubborn to take my advice, I do think he want more of my time but I'm just not the clingy type I mean we are together very night of the week mostly. He does have a hobby he likes off roading in jeeps, he's bought two jeeps and his friends usually come help him work on them when I'm barrel racing so he isnt alone and board and I always ask him if he wants to come and he says no, that's fine with me I like us being able to do our own thing, but clearly he dosent. I've told him over and over I'm not going to stop I will never change myself for a man.... Maybe the date night would help I'll have to try that. He does help with the fencing and things like that but we also have 25 cows. I will give him credit today he has been building me stalls all day. He always says I go too often and and I'm never home, but I'm always like I never go anywhere your not invited too. He just wants nothing to do with it he even gave me his horse..... I don't want to divorce I just want support from him and the complaining didn't start until after we got married
To me it does sound like maybe he needs to move on and find someone that would like to be spending time with him, sounds like you guys need to part ways at this point in life. |
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Blessed 
Location: Here | As we age priorites can change and do change. Sometimes we don't get a choice. You need to sit down and have a we need to fix this conversation. Be prepared to bend a little. It might be just a little thing thing that has evolved into something bigger. Talk to your husband. and LISTEN to what he shares. Sometimes we get so busy we forget to listen |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | NJJ - 2014-04-13 5:56 PM
luckyjo - 2014-04-13 1:54 PM Go trade him in.
 LOL ...this really did make me laugh out loud....By your own admission the warning signs were there before you got married. Life is WAY too short to be miserable.....I would venture to say that horses are NOT his problem.....you need to either set him straight or get on with your OWN life.
Touche!! The husband can be replaced!!! I knew I loved you NJJ!!! |
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  Ms. Marine
Posts: 4641
Location: Texas | Sounds like you stay pretty busy... Maybe your husband feels neglected. Hard to give any advice without knowing both sides of the story though. |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I'm sorry :(:(
I wish everybody could have a husband like mine. He never had anything to do with horses before we met. I figured I would have to give up a lot with the horses in order to have a successful marriage. But as I am typing...he put on some rain gear and made his way out to the barn in torrential down pours to let the neighbors horse back in our field. I meant to let her in when they were done eating because she has no shelter, but I plum forgot :( So he's doing it for me. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| You said he built you stalls, it sounds like he is doing things for you, so what are you doing for him?
You say you are with him every night, how are you making him feel important for those few hours? |
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 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
Location: Texas | How many weekends a months are you gone? And when you go, are you gone all day, all weekend? just a few hours?
in a regular week how much time do you spend with HIM? Not like "well we are both at home at the same time but I'm in the barn and he's in the garage and we cross paths when its time to go to bed".. but, how often in the week do you two spend quality time together? do you eat meals together?
Honestly, if I were building stalls, fixing fence, and keeping up the place, I too would probably get tired of all that hard work and sweat and then never seeing my other half. It can't be fun doing all that and then not get to spend time with you.
Also, inviting him to the barrel races IMO isn't enough. It's not exactly fair that your only option of allowing him to spend time with you is at a barrel race. That should be ONE option, not the only option of seeing you. You don't have to give up barrel racing but maybe you can compromise a little bit. I've had to do it with vet school and maintaining a relationship with my boyfriend. I don't like missing some races but it's truly not fair to live my life all about me and none about him. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Hint: a healthy, playful sex life goes a long way towards making a man happy. He will forgive you almost anything if you're enthusiastic in bed. That and laughing together as often as possible are the keys to a good marriage.  |
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Veteran
Posts: 238
| I really am disgusted by the number of people who quickly say "the man needs to go" or "divorce." Unless you know these people intimately and you are part of their daily lives, you don't have the right to say so.
Men are pretty simple creatures and they usually say exactly what they mean, not mincing words. If he says you are gone too much with the horses and not spending enough time with me, look at your schedule. To him, the "time with the horses" may not be actual time you think of. He may be counting all of the extra time you are gone working so you can have horses.
Look at your life. How many hours a week do you DEVOTE to the horses? How many hours a week do you DEVOTE to your husband? There should be SOME resemblance. It doesn't have to be equal, but if you are giving 60 hours a week to the horses with working FOR the horses and working WITH the horses, but only 2 hours a week to your husband? That's an imbalance. And going to bed together or sitting in the same living room at night before bed does NOT count as time together.
For myself, it's hard because I do work to support my habit. Then it's time consuming to care for the horses, much less get riding time in. I recently opted to take 1 day a week off from work and cut back on several "extras" in my life, so that I have more family time. I now get my errands and what not done on this day off, and SCHEDULE date night with my husband, usually on this night because I can get my chores done and be in at a decent hour to make myself date worthy.
I've been gone barrel racing almost every weekend for 1 day. I make a point of scheduling the other day for family time.
It's not perfect. My own husband has his comments to make. If the comments get started..... find time for more sex. That usually shuts them up. BTW.... if you set the alarm 15 minutes earlier, it starts everyone's day out great and they are less likely to have any negative thoughts about you all day long. |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Three 4 Luck - 2014-04-13 8:43 PM Hint: a healthy, playful sex life goes a long way towards making a man happy. He will forgive you almost anything if you're enthusiastic in bed. That and laughing together as often as possible are the keys to a good marriage.
T4L nailed it! Lots of truth to this statement.
Honey, I totaled your truck......ok. |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | SpottedT - 2014-04-14 9:18 AM My own husband has his comments to make. If the comments get started..... find time for more sex. That usually shuts them up. BTW.... if you set the alarm 15 minutes earlier, it starts everyone's day out great and they are less likely to have any negative thoughts about you all day long.
Invite him out to share your barn time and surprise him with some jungle loving in the tack room. He will have a lot more positive attitude about you "going to the barn" after that.  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Is there a hobby that he is in to? Could you go and support him when he does it? My husband and I support each others hobbies. In the fall/winter we go duck hunting together. In the spring/summer we go to barrel races. I use to barrel race everyweekend but that was affecting our relationship. So now I go to 1-2 barrel races a month and on the off weekends we go camping or family events. Guys are more sensitive then women when it comes to spending time with their SO. |
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 Reaching for the stars....
Posts: 12708
| I feel so sorry for my hubb (in some ways, in other, NOT). But, when I met him I was on hiatus from horses. I'd been hurt bad (riding career ending) at age 21 and we met when I was 25. He was a motorcycle dude so I joined in on that and ended up taking a turn at roadracing for a few years. That was fine since he was my wrench and he enjoyed that atmosphere. Then I decided I'd had enough of motorsports and traded my bike in on a horse. Then I bred her. And it was a colt. And the hubb didn't want to geld or sell so we had to get our own farm. Then other horses came in. And a few more were born. Then the oldest was old enough for barrel training. Then I started showing! OK, so the poor guy didn't see it coming, even tho he knew I'd spent from age 5 to 21 dedicated to horses.
It does sound to me that your hubb is having somewhat of a tantrum, even if it isn't hissy fit tantrum. Maybe some control issues brewing. I would definitely confront the issue. If you are both independent people and have been from the get go then this might just be a reminder that you have no intentions of becoming dependent. He may be flexing the control muscle just to see how far he can push, or there might be something else behind it. But it needs to be explored and brought to light.
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 Desert Diva
Posts: 4946
Location: The birthplace of Honest Abe | I didnt read everything but what do you two do together??? You have to spend time together besides at BR. You say you see him everynight, but sorry honey that is not enough. I understand what you are saying but you sound kind of selfish to me. You need to have a happy medium if you want a happy marriage. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 685
Location: Arkansas | I have tried dating guys that don't rodeo or have horses and it NEVER worked out! I used to go to 3 or 4 barrel races/ rodeos a weekend and I didn't really have much time for them. People who don't rodeo, will never fully understand what makes us so obsessed with our horses and competing. They will never understand the amount of work that goes into it, even to just be an occasional competitor. So I found me a bulldogger/ roper and we just haul together! lol He still doesn't understand some things about my obsession, but he understands most of it!
Sounds like your hubby just misses you and feels left out! I would have a serious convo with him and let him know he is still important to you! Good Luck!! 
Edited to add that I am amazed by how quickly some people are to divorce someone over a simple dispute. Marriage isn't easy, it is hard! I have never been married, but I know I will fight until I can't fight anymore to stay together. I am a child of several divorces and it will mess you up to the point where you are affected by it for the rest of your life. I know you said you have no children, but divorce is still such a terrible thing to endure. You go from loving someone completely to absolutely hating them; all over one word.
Edited by Brrlracengirl 2014-04-14 10:24 AM
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | RidgeViewFarms19 - 2014-04-14 9:25 AM My husband hates my barrel racing and is constantly saying I go too much and I spend to much money. But we are not poor we both work and I support my own habit with the money I make from my three jobs I work full time threw the week and give riding lessons on the weekends which he also complains about even tho I'm making money. And I clean an office every other Sunday. He makes great money all of our bills are paid and we have Money saved.... I love barrel racing I always have I haul my lesson kids and myself, it's not a just a hobby I want to make it a carrier but in order for me to have any chance I have to win and get better. I run open ibra shows and I'm chasing a saddle I have to go a lot if I'm going to win. Ad even when I take off a week or two as soon as I plan to go again he starts complaining I just don't know what to do I was like this when we met and I always will be but I'm tired of fighting. Also we have no kids. I just needed to vent any advice would be great
Perhaps you need to sit down and talk with him and come to an agreement about the time you spend on barrel racing. If you are not giving the marriage the time it needs and he feels like barrel racing is more important to you than he is, than you may be looking at a divorce down the road. Deal with it now and be willing to make some changes. Doesn't mean you have to quit, but compromise.
It is also not really realistic to think that you can make a living off of barrel racing some day. Its not impossible, but in reality, VERY FEW are able to do this. If you don't have your husband's support, it would make it all the more difficult. |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | cavlier - 2014-04-14 2:44 PM Divorce him. No man is worth giving up your identity.
I don't understand comments like these. I wonder, have you ever been through a divorce? Do you think it is that easy? If so, you should never be married in the first place. Divorce should be a LAST resort and only on the table when there are problems like infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse. REAL PROBLEMS, not conflicts about barrel racing. |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I am a little shocked by all the suggestions to get a divorce, move on, trade him in, etc. The comment that you won't change for any man I'm sure didn't do much to make him feel very important either. While I don't feel you should necessarily change sometimes you do need to compromis in a marriage. If there is no compromise then no marriage will work out. If you have never compromised in the marriage then he has been doing it all and I'm guessing he is tired of being the one doing all the compromising. He started up barrel racing for you. He is building stalls for you. What have you done for him? Do you try to share his hobby of off-roading? When you two are together at night do you just sit in front of the TV or do you two actually interact with one another and be a couple and not just roommates? Maybe make the choice to not go to a big barrel race some weekend and instead take him on a road trip where he has always wanted to go or a place you two share some good memories. Show him that he is more important that some stupid little barrel race. There will always be another barrel race but there is only one him!
The comments about divorce from so many so called Christians is sad. You made a promise not only to each other but to God to be there for each other through the good and the bad. To say that barrel racing is more important than your promise to God is just heartbreaking to me. If that is your attitude then I understand your husband's hostility to barrel racing.
Men often times have a hard time talking about their feelings. Not only because they feel "less manly" but because they honestly don't know what their feelings mean. All he knows is he doesn't like that you are gone barrel racing all the time but he hasn't put it together that the reason he feels that way is because you are gone enjoying something without him. Sit down and TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. Find out what is really bothering him. Do not yell at him, do not storm out of the room, but sit down and calmly talk to him and understand what he is trying to tell you. Don't get defensive but LISTEN!!! He is the man you chose to marry and give the rest of your life to. He is the man you promised God to love and look after for the rest of your lives now take the time to sit down and listen to him. |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Just Bring It - 2014-04-15 9:36 AM I am a little shocked by all the suggestions to get a divorce, move on, trade him in, etc. The comment that you won't change for any man I'm sure didn't do much to make him feel very important either. While I don't feel you should necessarily change sometimes you do need to compromis in a marriage. If there is no compromise then no marriage will work out. If you have never compromised in the marriage then he has been doing it all and I'm guessing he is tired of being the one doing all the compromising. He started up barrel racing for you. He is building stalls for you. What have you done for him? Do you try to share his hobby of off-roading? When you two are together at night do you just sit in front of the TV or do you two actually interact with one another and be a couple and not just roommates? Maybe make the choice to not go to a big barrel race some weekend and instead take him on a road trip where he has always wanted to go or a place you two share some good memories. Show him that he is more important that some stupid little barrel race. There will always be another barrel race but there is only one him!
The comments about divorce from so many so called Christians is sad. You made a promise not only to each other but to God to be there for each other through the good and the bad. To say that barrel racing is more important than your promise to God is just heartbreaking to me. If that is your attitude then I understand your husband's hostility to barrel racing.
Men often times have a hard time talking about their feelings. Not only because they feel "less manly" but because they honestly don't know what their feelings mean. All he knows is he doesn't like that you are gone barrel racing all the time but he hasn't put it together that the reason he feels that way is because you are gone enjoying something without him. Sit down and TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. Find out what is really bothering him. Do not yell at him, do not storm out of the room, but sit down and calmly talk to him and understand what he is trying to tell you. Don't get defensive but LISTEN!!! He is the man you chose to marry and give the rest of your life to. He is the man you promised God to love and look after for the rest of your lives now take the time to sit down and listen to him.
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Time to asses what's important to you. All that commitment you invest in becoming a winner in the arena needs to be redirected and balanced to becoming a winner in marriage. Not many of us are ever going to be running along side Cervi. You have to be realistic while chasing your dreams. Good luck and hug your guy and try and talk to him. Good luck. |
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