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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 720
 
| Don't leave. If you think you want to stay on your property, don't ever be the one to leave. If there is any chance that the break may be permanent, once you've left, there's no going back. Ask him to leave. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
 
Location: Midwest | If you don't want to say, feel free to ignore this, but what did you find in the mail? |
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Member
Posts: 17
| LoudAppy - 2014-05-07 9:42 AM
Don't leave. If you think you want to stay on your property, don't ever be the one to leave. If there is any chance that the break may be permanent, once you've left, there's no going back. Ask him to leave.
He won't leave. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| barrelracr131 - 2014-05-07 9:45 AM
If you don't want to say, feel free to ignore this, but what did you find in the mail?
I don't want to say right now. |
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:26 AM I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together. After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt!
Just saw this one....OK....maybe I'm a lot older than you, I don't know (I'm almost 65)....see it for what it is...he isn't sorry and he obviously doesn't care that you are hurt...PLEASE don't put ayour whole worth into what this excuse for a "man" thinks....you are a valuable person that deserves to be treated with respect...DON'T appear to be hurt and weak...find a place inside yourself that you can show some strength and make a stand for yourself....if you own that house together, then ask him to leave until you guys can decide on what the future brings, but don't let him decide for you and you just get swept along in whatever he wants....I would see a lawyer today because the ball has already started to swing one way...at least be clear what your rights are...you can do this, be strong, take care of yourself...things are going to change (for the better) so you first have to accept that...
BTW: do you have kids? Are you young? Do you have your own income?
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:39 AM I'm overwhelmed. The person that I love doesnt seem to care back. He says he does but the lying doesn't show that. What really showed me is that he thinks I can't open hid mail. Were supposed to be in this together. I don't hide a single thing from him, nothing and I feel like I don't even know him now. Some days I want to leave so bad but where am I going to go with my horses? The good days we have seem to not even count anymore because he's been lying to me since we got married.
I'm not sure what he was lying about, so it really is up to you if it can be overcome. I do know that a marriage without trust will have no foundation on which to stand. It's like building a house on sand. If there is no trust, there is no solid ground.
In my marriage, everything is an open book. He can look through my phone. I can look through his. He can open my mail and does. I do the same to him.
I would first want to know what he was hiding. Why was he being dishonest? I don't want to immediately jump on the "you need to leave" bandwagon because I don't know the specifics. I think you need to determine if you can regain that trust. He wasn't sorry for what he was hiding, so that is concerning to me. I don't know what that was, but how major of an issue is it? Was it excessive spending or was he funding a second wife, house, and kids?
The reality is that it will always get better. Unfortunately, it also usually gets worse before it gets better. I hate that you are going through this. But really evaluate if this is something that can be overcome, if you can trust again, if you can live with this, etc. before jumping ship on your marriage.
And like others have said, trust in God. When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.  |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 9:47 AM
LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:26 AM I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together. After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt!
Just saw this one....OK....maybe I'm a lot older than you, I don't know (I'm almost 65)....see it for what it is...he isn't sorry and he obviously doesn't care that you are hurt...PLEASE don't put ayour whole worth into what this excuse for a "man" thinks....you are a valuable person that deserves to be treated with respect...DON'T appear to be hurt and weak...find a place inside yourself that you can show some strength and make a stand for yourself....if you own that house together, then ask him to leave until you guys can decide on what the future brings, but don't let him decide for you and you just get swept along in whatever he wants....I would see a lawyer today because the ball has already started to swing one way...at least be clear what your rights are...you can do this, be strong, take care of yourself...things are going to change (for the better) so you first have to accept that...
BTW: do you have kids? Are you young? Do you have your own income?
I don't have any children. I'm in my mid twenties. I have my own income.
He was not cheating. I'm just so dang hurt because I tell him everything and now I'm clearly seeing that he tells me nothing. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| How long have you been married? |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Marriage counselor. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM
Marriage counselor.
He won't go. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM
How long have you been married?
Almost 2 years. |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | I am so sorry your going through this and I know it's never fun or what we want but know your not alone. The one big piece of advice I have to give you at this time is DONT go anywhere!! If you need space, make him go for a while so you have time to sort things out. Do not leave that house and dont leave your horses in his care. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:06 AM
LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM
Marriage counselor.
He won't go.
Then you go to a counselor alone if you have to. |
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Expert
Posts: 5321
Location: Texas | Keeping you in my prayers |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | When you are both home tonight you need to sit down together and talk. Dont be confrontational at all and remaign calm. You need to find out what is going on and why so you can go from there. I am confidant you can work things out but you BOTH need to be adults and work together. If he wont even rationally work WITH you and come to a understanding and meeting of the minds, then you dont even have a starting point to move forward. |
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
I've been married for 4 years. My wife and I are both in our twenties. There are still things I learn about her and she learns about me everyday. Some good, some not so good. I don't know what you found or saw, but there is probably still some "getting to know you" going on. I'm a guy, and there are lots of things that I just wouldn't even think to tell my wife. Lots of love, forgiveness and non judgemental attitude can help in some circumstances. Somethings are just not easy to tell your spouse about. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | I have been there. The moment you discover that you have been truly decieved...it's a physical pain...that sinking feeling that just aches and makes you want to throw up. I have been there. Whatever the lie...the deception...it obviously is something serious or you wouldn't be here talking this way. Without any specifics it's tough to offer advice...but I respect your desire to keep it private.
The deciet is bad...but what makes it more concerning is his attitude about it after you found out. And...if he has no desire to seek counseling or even sees there is a problem...well...you can not fix someone else. You can only control your reactions/actions. And whatever you do...you need to be clear with him about what is acceptible and what isn't. And then make your choices based on what he is willing to do.
I agree with folks that say staying there is best for you...but how do you make the guy leave if he refuses? How does that work? After the second betrayal I left. I lined up a place to go (rented) and take my animals...and I left. Short term I moved to the other bedroom and avoided him until I had things lined up. I had my own income as well...and I was so glad for that. And...no kids either. And supportive friends. You can pick up and start over if you have to. I am so much better off in my life now. The guy did me a favor in the long run...although you never could have convinced me of it at the time. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:08 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:06 AM LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM Marriage counselor. He won't go. Then you go to a counselor alone if you have to.
This times 1000 |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Whiteboy - 2014-05-08 9:26 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
The lying is one thing, his attitude about it after he was caught is more disturbing, IMO. He should be doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust. Sounds like he is arrogant about it.
Edited by Hollywood's Fan 2014-05-07 10:43 AM
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bottom line, you are going to have to make some choices here and take a stand and stick with it. You are plenty young to start over. If he's been hiding something and lying about things the entire time you've been married, then you have been living with his representative the entire time you've been together. There's a good chance you've never known the real him. Sounds like he's not willing to work on anything and would rather have his privacy than a partner, and that is not a choice you can make for her or ask him to change. Either you leave or make him leave. You say he won't, but he will with enough pressure....unless of course it is HIS place, and then you need to make different arrangements.
From the sounds of it you don't want to leave and you don't want him to leave. If that is the case, you need to make it clear to him what your expectations are for your marriage and of him as a husband. I'm a firm believer in that we teach people how to treat us and if we continually let someone push the limits of disrespect, soon enough there is no respect at all and they know they can do whatever they want to, as there are no consequences for their actions. You need to talk with him....not TO him. You need to be calm, and use a low, steady, non-confrontational voice. You need to be strong and not show him you are weak. It's ok to tell him that he has hurt you, but he doesn't need to actually see you are broken. He has to know that you can and will survive without him. That you would much rather live your life with him, but not at the expense of your self worth and what you deserve out of him as a husband.
Edited by Herbie 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
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