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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
  
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. You shouldn't have to do anything like that. People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Now or ever. You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. If she will do it and be happy...fine. But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 504
Location: Illinois | First of all, I'm so sorry about your baby. I have been in your shoes, losing our son at 34 weeks, thinking nothing was wrong and then your entire life gets turned upside down. The toughest thing you will ever have to do is plan the funeral of your child. Right now you are allowed to feel however you want. If you want to cry go ahead, if not that's ok too. You are dealing with something that other people cannot even begin to understand unless they have been there. Five weeks ago is such a short amount of time. I am 6 years from the death of my son and I can say it takes a long time. I know that I was not able to go into my son's room for many months following our loss. Everything I had received as gifts was in there, I couldn't tell you what was in there for the longest time. People who actually expect you to be able to write thank you cards for gifts after what you've been through are cold and heartless. I would agree with others, if she is that worried about it, tell her to go ahead and write them. I think maybe the deeper problem here (and I felt this way with some family members) is that she figures you should just move on and be over it, you can always have another, not that big of a deal, etc. and that she doesn't care or upset at all about the baby. I may completely miss that so I apologize if so.
and as a side, please feel free to contact me if you need someone, even if it's just someone to listen :) |
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 Expert
Posts: 2276
Location: ohio-in my own little world with pretty ponies :) | Oh Michelle I'm soo sorry!!! Tell MIL to shove it! You are grieving and the last thing you should be worrying about is sending out your thank you's. If she is so worried about it, tell her to do it. I guarantee everyone will understand the situation. <> |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| I am so sorry, I can't imagine your pain. MIL needs to back off.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-09-17 1:53 PM
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  Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| I can't begin to say how sorry I am for you and your family. You MIL needs to mind her own business. And IF you feel up to it to send thank you's for the gifts proper protocol is you have 1 year to get them out... Miss Manners says 1 year for weddings and births. As the newlyweds ared busy getting thier lives organized and new parents are WAY busy with figuring out parenting.. NOW in your case I would say you have enough on your plate to worry about when or if those thank you's are taken care of.
I'll pray for you and your husband, remember that greif has no time limit you greive in your own way and time.
And don't feel bad if you are slower or faster than your husband... TIME take it. 
 I couldn't find the hugs so maybe you can get one from this guy.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1074
| I'm so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. In my area, we send thank you notes for flowers, food and memorials made for your loved one. However, I feel that you and your husband need time to grieve. If you don't feel like writing the thank you notes, allow her to. Maybe her bothering you about the notes is part of her healing process too. I understand that everyone grieves and heals in their own way. This may be her way to help you and your husband as well. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | TrailGirl - 2014-09-17 1:26 PM Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. Â You shouldn't have to do anything like that. Â People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Â Now or ever. Â You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. Â If she will do it and be happy...fine. Â But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Â Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. Â and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Â Truly.Â
This. If I had a friend that was going through this, I would rather NOT receive a thank you card. It's like pouring salt on the wound.
She sounds incredibly insensitive. Instead of letting you do things on your own time, she is making it her mission to get those cards out. What's the big deal? Maybe she's worried that people will think she has an ungrateful daughter-in-law. I assure you, NO ONE is thinking that right now, so she needs to get over it.
Or you could just lie and tell her you sent them.
Edited by Gunner11 2014-09-17 2:08 PM
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I am so very sorry for your loss. I would tell her that if she's so worried about then she can send out thank yous but only to the people that can to the shower that she hosted. In a situation like this, I would not expect a thank you. |
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 Rebel Without a Cause
Posts: 2758
Location: Adopt a homeless pet - www.petfinder.com! | I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a stickler for thank you notes for gifts however, I would NEVER think a negative thing if I didn't receive one in a situation like this. It's your time to heal now and anyone thinking otherwise would be selfish. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3534
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | Thank you for all the replies and kind words. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't just being 'lazy' about these thank you notes. Or being the crazy DIL. To put it simple, it has been a roller coaster.
I told my husband the same thing, that if we had a friend that went through this, I would feel bad if I received a thank you note from them.
I think some of the problem is that her and I were raised in different time periods and different locations. At the funeral, the sign in book did not have lines for an address. She has gone on and on about how upset she is that there was no place for address'. I told her that I've never seen a book at a funeral with address lines. She said that where she was raised, you always put your address in the book. And when something is different due to location or generations, she can't accept that. She believes how she lives is 'normal' and anybody who doesn't live like her is different. The first time she came to a horse show, she said "this is so different" or 'this is so weird' a hundred times. She was even taking photos of me cleaning a pile of poop near the horse trailer so I didn't step in it. I couldn't get her to understand that this is my 'normal', that I've always been around horses and that her not having horses is weird to me but i don't constantly remind her of that. |
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2937
Location: North Dakota | Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever gotten a thank you card for a baby shower gift I have given.
And it makes no difference to me. A gift is a gift.
I would NEVER EVER imagine someone who just went through what you went through, to send me a thank you card for a gift that has no recipient (the baby). I think you and your husband (together) need to tell her to back off.
Has the MIL ever lost a child? If she has not, I'd tell her to back off because she has no idea what the two of you are going through right now.
My condolenses.
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | First of all I am so sorry for your loss! Your MIL is being extremely selfish. Quite frankly I would hope your husband would help run interference for you and help her understand that you are not ready to do it. If it is so important to her then let her go ahead and write them and send them. I probably would have gone off on her by now and it would not have been pretty.
Again prayers to you and your husband! |
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 I Prefer a Beard
Posts: 1944
| I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child to stillbirth is a truly devastating experience. I lost my middle son to stillbirth a little over ten years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't grieve for him and wonder who he would be today. Right now you need to worry about you and if you don't want to send out thank you notes then don't. I didn't send thank you notes when I lost my son, I just could not do it. Could your husband maybe talk to your MIL and explain that you just can't do it right now. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and if you ever need to talk to someone please send me a pm. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | I really truly am a stickler for thank yous. I was raised that they are expected, for every occasion. And yes, I have to listen to my grandmother gossip about the ones that don't send them.
But even I would not expect one in this situation. No one should.
If it really is causing drama/tension, then next time she brings it up I would just let her take care of them for the sake of ending the issue.
This period should be untarnished with trivial matters and the two of you should be left alone to grieve. |
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 Do You Feel Lucky Punk?
Posts: 3156
Location: NM...the Land of Manana | I am so very sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine the pain you are in. Perhaps you could write a letter of thanks to everyone who attended your showers, attended the funeral and sent condolences and have it published in the local paper and that way you only have to do it once and MIL will maybe STHU. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| TrailGirl - 2014-09-17 1:26 PM
Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. Â You shouldn't have to do anything like that. Â People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Â Now or ever. Â You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. Â If she will do it and be happy...fine. Â But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Â Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. Â and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Â Truly.Â
Exactly! I never expect thank you cards for anything though and in all honesty if I do get one I look at it and toss it in the trash. I personally think its a waste and in this situation DEFINITELY not expected. Im so sorry for your loss .. how very sad. Many prayers sent. If it means so much to your MIL to have thank you notes sent to her friends, id just tell her you are healing and aren't able to handle the task right now , let her do it. I also think your husband needs to step in and tell momma to back off. Hugs.... |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 927
Location: Iowa | I'm sending you and your husband hugs. Try to print of a generic thank you to stick in the cards and be done. |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Hugs and prayers for you. You come across in your postings as a very wonderful, kind, considerate, thoughtful and loving person. I would be blessed to have you as my DIL. And I can assure you I would not now - or ever - ask you about thank you notes. You MIL comes across as rigid and insensitive. Shame on her. IMHO, your husband should have a private conversation with his mother -- asking her to give you space -- letting her know the depth of your - and his - grief. She may just be oblivious to what she is doing -- and having it brought to her attention may snap her to attention. She should be supporting you - being there for you to do whatever YOU ask her -- not her telling you what you should do. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I am so sorry you and your husband are in my prayers.
I would not expect a thank you letter ever if I had given you a shower gift under the circumstances.
If it were me I would let the MIL write the thank you letters. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1114
Location: CA | I am very sorry for your loss. I want to tell you that this is not the time to worry about those thank you cards, have your husband tell her to drop it. I would also suggest when you are up for it ...setting boundaries for your insensitive mother in law. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I would assume you don't need her telling you what you should be doing right now.. Again, I am so sorry.
Edited by allaboutme 2014-09-18 3:52 AM
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