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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
   
Location: Texas | Gunner11 - 2014-09-18 9:51 AM I have been in your situation, but on the other side. I was the one who broke up with someone "out of the blue" after being together for about 5 years. We started dating at 18, I thought I had found The One, we got engaged, and then as things got more serious (having to actually plan a wedding, looking at houses), I realized he wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Ending our relationship was a decision I did not take lightly, and he didn't see it coming, but let me tell you, it wasn't "out of the blue". I KNOW I gave him signs things weren't right and he knew it, but didn't want to admit it. So there are signs, but people either choose to ignore them, or don't realize it's actually a sign. People don't break up with someone they've been in a long-term relationship with for NO reason. There IS a reason, you just don't know what it is and he's too chicken sh!t to tell you what it is. The fact that he is cutting all contact with you and refuses to talk to you shows how guilty he's feeling and he's not man enough to explain himself. He's hoping you'll just go away so he doesn't have to deal with what he did. So whether he's seeing someone else or just had a change of heart, just let him go. I know it's hard, but if you take him back, chances are he'll do it again. If he's willing to let you go to "sow his oats" or whatever he's doing, he doesn't deserve you.
This was me 40 years ago. My boyfriend and I had dated off and on (mostly on) thru jr high and high school. Got engaged in hs. I met my current husband and he asked me out. I knew that if I wanted to go out with him that bad, the engagement wasn't right. I have only seen the ex a couple of times in that 40 years and I think with time we both realized it was for the best. Now that doesn't excuse him from being an a$$hole but you need to let it go. Not easy, but you can do it and will be better for it. Go ride you horse. It is the best therapy ever. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| Griz - 2014-09-18 3:33 AM
I shudder to think what my life may have been like if I would have stayed with the guy I was with at 21. Girl, this is THE time of your life, enjoy YOU, do things YOU enjoy - you have your whole life to find a man! (Gawd, I sound old - but really it's TRUE)! Learn to love and enjoy YOURSELF!!
I agree with this. I remember being madly in love with my bf when I was 21 and after 4 years he dumped me. Turns out it was to be with my supposed best friend. After vomiting every day for a month and losing 30 lbs I "tried" to get over him. (Yes, it took a while, I'm not going to lie.) now that I am 35 I am SOOOO happy that I didn't hitch my wagon to his star. He was NOT a star. It will be hard, life will suck for several months...trust me, and DON'T lay under one to get over one!! But you will eventually get over him and move on.
It does seem very immature that he is going to these lengths to block you on facebook, get a restraining order if you are not being a psycho stalker/texter, etc. Count your blessings and look to God for help. Good luck, hun.  |
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | You have so many offering great advice. I hope you listen and don't take him back if he comes back around. He didn't decide this over night, he was just too chicken to discuss the issues he was having with it. Go find yourself, stand on your own two feet and do whatever YOU want to do. Time really heals and gives you perspective. Take one day at a time and stay busy. You really will be ok.
Prayers for you during this rough spot.
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Just Plain Lucky is on point. He's passing the guilt onto you and there is either someone else, or he's got someone in his ear.
stay busy. find things to make you happy. enjoy your youth!
and i 2nd the opinion that the trash took itself out! If he genuinely needed some time apart he wouldn't do it by making you feel like garbage. Lose the loser! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you everyone for the prayers and support. I really do appreciate it. I'm slowly getting a little better everyday but just feel straight up blah if that's even a feeling. Don't worry I'm not contacting him. It's hard but I'm not. I can definitely tell you drugs is not it, he's completely against drugs. Could be wanting to be with other girls..but I also feel like he got cocky as soon as he started making bank and got into the pipe fitters. He just started working for them last week and he broke it off on Sunday. That's all he started to talk about. Guess I didn't fit into his plans. Anyways, I'm tryin to stay strong and I hate that everyone else has had to go through heart break to give me such good advice and words of wisdom. It really sucks. But thank you guys <3 |
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 Veteran
Posts: 151
| There is great advice here. It is so hard to go through, and I think he is being especially mean and cold-hearted with the threats and blocking. You're poor heart has just been ripped out with no conversation and closure! I'm so sorry. I am old - lol, but went through this too and can remember waking up in the middle of the night with such bad panic I couldn't breathe. It felt like I couldn't get through the next 20 seconds...
Also, I was the same way about being around other people. I would want to be with my friends and then two seconds later need to get away from them.
But I was always great about NEVER calling, and in the end that was really the best thing. No matter his reason, this was a horrible way to treat you, I hope you don't give him a second chance! |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | Aren't you glad you found out the kind of person is now, instead of spending one more day with him?
You've received great advice here. Give it time, and you will look back and thank your lucky stars he showed you his true colors. That's who he is - believe him.
Friends on BHW helped me thru a bad divorce a few years ago. My ex turned terribly cruel too. That's when you know you never want to go back to them. They show you they can't be trusted with your heart.
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you guys..it means a lot. It's really tough but I'm doin ok. |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| blccwgl55 - 2014-09-23 6:37 PM Thank you guys..it means a lot. It's really tough but I'm doin ok.
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 I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | Oh my goodness I'm going through almost the exact same thing. Including the waking up feeling sick. I didn't eat for 3 days straight and I hadn't even REALIZED I wasn't eating. I'm down to 105 and people keep asking me if I have an eating disorder. It's been two weeks and I'm slowly becoming more normal and I'm making an effort to actually eat even though I'm just not hungry.
I'm 25 but this was my first real relationship and therefore my first break up. I wonder if I would have been better off if I'd had more experience through high school.
Edited by livexlovexrodeo 2014-09-24 1:36 AM
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | Just Plain Lucky - 2014-09-17 9:19 PM He sounds very immature. I don't want to make you feel worse, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else, honestly.
He is treating you like dirt because he is feeling guilty about something. By treating you like a psycho, he is trying to pass the guilt to you.
Also, about the "getting under another man to get over the first" advice. DON'T let people talk you into that BS. I'm sure you're aware of the possible outcome. Take care of yourself and seek some help either from your pastor or a therapist. The things you are experiencing right now sound like more than the standard sadness after a break up.
I think you dodged a bullet. Not only that, but the trash just took itself out. That almost never happens!
I'm going to have to agree. It hurts, yes I've been there....but him acting the way he is...should be a sign. None of us will really know the story,, and you probably won't either...because he is hiding something.
When my boyfriend and I took a break, he didn't delete me off facebook, nor threaten me with a restraining order. Your ex is hiding something I'm sorry to say :(
Hugs and prayers to you. You should only focus on your happiness, instead of trying to make him or anyone else happy. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| I'm sorry you all have went through this or are going through it right now. Please don't let em break you down!! God does things for a reason. I would tell my anyone this stuff and need to listen to my own advice. Thanks for all the advice again, it means a lot. He hasn't blocked me but told me this morning that he just made up his mind and wants to leave it at that. I truly believe now that it's because he doesn't wanna be tied down and he told me that. I was afraid he would forget about me as soon as he got into the pipe fitters and I was right. I know how a lot of those oil and gas workers are and I didn't want that to happen but I knew it'd be a possibility, just thought he'd love me more than that. I truly think that he still has feelings for me but is the kind that is stubborn and although may feel regret won't usually go back when they make up their mind or will admit they're wrong. Even though I told him I wasn't trying to get back together with him and just wanted to end things on a good note he just kept sayin that he made up his mind and didn't wanna talk about it "Berk". My name's Berkeley by the way. He wasn't even seeing what I was saying and kept just wanting to say he made up his mind which makes me think he did and doesn't wanna feel anything for me. I'm not naive, I know it's shitty and he doesn't care about me enough if he's done that but I do know that it's bothering him and he doesn't wanna feel anything so he's refusing to even talk to me. Wish he'd grow a pair but that's his loss, not mine. He'll realize someday what he had. I already feel so much better though that he told me what was up and I'm not sitting here wondering exactly what was wrong, helps me heal. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | blccwgl55 - 2014-09-24 9:21 AM
I'm sorry you all have went through this or are going through it right now. Please don't let em break you down!! God does things for a reason. I would tell my anyone this stuff and need to listen to my own advice. Thanks for all the advice again, it means a lot. He hasn't blocked me but told me this morning that he just made up his mind and wants to leave it at that. I truly believe now that it's because he doesn't wanna be tied down and he told me that. I was afraid he would forget about me as soon as he got into the pipe fitters and I was right. I know how a lot of those oil and gas workers are and I didn't want that to happen but I knew it'd be a possibility, just thought he'd love me more than that. I truly think that he still has feelings for me but is the kind that is stubborn and although may feel regret won't usually go back when they make up their mind or will admit they're wrong. Even though I told him I wasn't trying to get back together with him and just wanted to end things on a good note he just kept sayin that he made up his mind and didn't wanna talk about it "Berk". My name's Berkeley by the way. He wasn't even seeing what I was saying and kept just wanting to say he made up his mind which makes me think he did and doesn't wanna feel anything for me. I'm not naive, I know it's shitty and he doesn't care about me enough if he's done that but I do know that it's bothering him and he doesn't wanna feel anything so he's refusing to even talk to me. Wish he'd grow a pair but that's his loss, not mine. He'll realize someday what he had. I already feel so much better though that he told me what was up and I'm not sitting here wondering exactly what was wrong, helps me heal.
I'm glad he at least gave you that much! I know from experience that it sucks SO bad when someone won't give you "closure". It really helps to move on if you know WHY they don't want to be with you anymore. Stay strong, you'll get through this! |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you! I'm staying strong. What's weird, and I'm really not looking or anything, is that a guy who I feel like is the "where have you been" kind of guy came out of nowhere and I'm just amazed at how nice I can be treated. I'm not saying I was treated horrible but not appreciated like I should've been. My heart obviously still loves my ex boyfriend because we've been through a lot and for so long but I also have realized so much in these past two weeks...I'm on a different level than he is. He's so immature and we don't have the same goals in life. I think I thought he did because I wanted to believe he was where I was at but no. This guy I hung out with yesterday was like a breath of fresh air. He has his shit together. I hate to even type this because it almost hurts my feelings for him to say that he's not where I am but he's just not. He wants to be selfish and be a boy living the single life. Sorry but I'm not gonna be in a long term relationship for that. It hurts because I still care for him so deeply but now I'm realizing that I think it's best and I NEVER thought I'd say that ever. I mean EVER. I'm really not looking for anyone else by the way but just hanging out with that man yesterday, whether it's something or not, made me realize what I deserve. The only way I could give my ex boyfriend another chance is if he grew up and showed me he cared but that doesn't happen over night and will take a long time and I'm not waiting around. It's not fair for me to. My heart still feels blah and my mind is being screwed but I'm getting through it thankfully for God, you all, and good people. |
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 Do You Feel Lucky Punk?
Posts: 3156
Location: NM...the Land of Manana |  |
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 Tough Patooty
Posts: 2615
Location: Sperry, OK | blccwgl55 - 2014-09-28 7:12 PM Thank you! I'm staying strong. What's weird, and I'm really not looking or anything, is that a guy who I feel like is the "where have you been" kind of guy came out of nowhere and I'm just amazed at how nice I can be treated. I'm not saying I was treated horrible but not appreciated like I should've been. My heart obviously still loves my ex boyfriend because we've been through a lot and for so long but I also have realized so much in these past two weeks...I'm on a different level than he is. He's so immature and we don't have the same goals in life. I think I thought he did because I wanted to believe he was where I was at but no. This guy I hung out with yesterday was like a breath of fresh air. He has his shit together. I hate to even type this because it almost hurts my feelings for him to say that he's not where I am but he's just not. He wants to be selfish and be a boy living the single life. Sorry but I'm not gonna be in a long term relationship for that. It hurts because I still care for him so deeply but now I'm realizing that I think it's best and I NEVER thought I'd say that ever. I mean EVER. I'm really not looking for anyone else by the way but just hanging out with that man yesterday, whether it's something or not, made me realize what I deserve. The only way I could give my ex boyfriend another chance is if he grew up and showed me he cared but that doesn't happen over night and will take a long time and I'm not waiting around. It's not fair for me to. My heart still feels blah and my mind is being screwed but I'm getting through it thankfully for God, you all, and good people.
Where is the "LIKE" button when you need it! Sometimes the "one" comes along when you least expect it! Please don't shut this new guy out, leave the door open and see where it goes. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you guys!! I'm so amazed at how God works! I think we need the like button back. Lol. My ex boyfriend would never come see me because I live 2 and a half hours away from him during school. He'd never save the money or anything and said he hated where I love but this guy said if he doesn't work this weekend he'll be making the similar drive so I can get my dance with him because he knows I like to dance. He's so sweet and I just feel in awe at how he's treating me. It's so nice and I feel so happy. I'm definitely not going to shut him out, I'm going to see where it goes. Thank you guys |
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 Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | Awwwww!! I'm glad you're doing better and have someone of interest who treats you well! |
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  Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Keep going to school and dig deep into school . Ditch the phone you have and get a new one and dont keep his number.He gave you wings now fly and fly high and far away.  |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 330
| ACEINTHEHOLE - 2014-09-29 10:30 AM blccwgl55 - 2014-09-28 7:12 PM Thank you! I'm staying strong. What's weird, and I'm really not looking or anything, is that a guy who I feel like is the "where have you been" kind of guy came out of nowhere and I'm just amazed at how nice I can be treated. I'm not saying I was treated horrible but not appreciated like I should've been. My heart obviously still loves my ex boyfriend because we've been through a lot and for so long but I also have realized so much in these past two weeks...I'm on a different level than he is. He's so immature and we don't have the same goals in life. I think I thought he did because I wanted to believe he was where I was at but no. This guy I hung out with yesterday was like a breath of fresh air. He has his shit together. I hate to even type this because it almost hurts my feelings for him to say that he's not where I am but he's just not. He wants to be selfish and be a boy living the single life. Sorry but I'm not gonna be in a long term relationship for that. It hurts because I still care for him so deeply but now I'm realizing that I think it's best and I NEVER thought I'd say that ever. I mean EVER. I'm really not looking for anyone else by the way but just hanging out with that man yesterday, whether it's something or not, made me realize what I deserve. The only way I could give my ex boyfriend another chance is if he grew up and showed me he cared but that doesn't happen over night and will take a long time and I'm not waiting around. It's not fair for me to. My heart still feels blah and my mind is being screwed but I'm getting through it thankfully for God, you all, and good people. Where is the "LIKE" button when you need it! Sometimes the "one" comes along when you least expect it! Please don't shut this new guy out, leave the door open and see where it goes.
I will respectfully disagree, based on my own experience with pretty much the same situation you are going through OP!
Don't rush into something else. Just.don't.do.it.
You were with your guy for four years...you haven't been apart that long...you do not want to be in a situation a few months down the road where you genuinely like the new guy, and have your old one waltz back and say he's sorry, and still loves you, and wants you back. Then you are in a really shitty position - two guys, there's only one of you, one of them is going to get hurt, and you're going to feel bad because you'll blame yourself for hurting one of them (even though your ex is a douche, hehe!)
And don't you think for ONE MINUTE that he won't care when he finds out that you're hanging out with another guy...he was with you for four years too, finding out you're hanging out with someone else is going to be a hard pill to swallow for him even if he is hiding something or he insists that he's over you.
I've been there! It's not a good position. Let your head clear, give yourself TIME, before moving onto someone else. You need to feel genuinely OKAY being alone, you need to have no baggage left from your previous relationship. You need to feel at peace before moving on, and right now it doesn't seem like you are totally at peace with the way things ended, not that long ago.
My motto is: until I am GENUINELY OKAY thinking about my ex moving on to someone else, I'm not ready myself.
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