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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
  
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Does he have a hobby or something he really enjoys doing? I'm guessing not. I had this issue with my ex husband. (he's my ex because he cheated twice that I know of...but this didn't help matters) I had horses before he came along and he pretended interest...rode some...helped care for them....for a while. But soon after the ink dried he began to make it an issue. But as others have said....the horses were NOT the issue. He had no hobbies or interests really. Nothing he wanted to go and do. He pretty much worked and sat on the couch. I wasn't and never will be that kind of person.
He made it miserable and I felt guilty every time I'd go to a barrel race etc. He'd sit at home and text me..."How much longer....when will you get home" UGH!
I told him he needed a hobby and that I'd support him in that and try it too if he wanted. But he was just being controlling. If I had gotten rid of the horses and taken up painting or gardening...he'd have complained about that too.
Does your husband have a hobby? I'm guessing not...as this is usually why they cannot relate to us having that passion for our horses and riding. If he DOES and he is just too selfish to see how you have needs/hobbies too. Well...he needs to get used to it.
DO NOT stop riding...just do as others have said and treat him the way you would want to be treated. Reserve time for him...and reserve time for the horses. Invite him along to races. He can choose to include himself and be supportive...or expect that you will be gone every other weekend. Life is too short!!!
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | no man will ever be put in front of my horses.......and my so knows this.........yours is being extremly selfish........next time hes spouting off ..point to the door and say there it is..........life is to short to live with an ass............
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
 
Location: Kansas | luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage.
this! Well said lulu  |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | cavyrunsbarrels - 2014-12-08 7:49 PM I'm not married, but when I do get married some day, I'm going to make absolutely sure my future husband knows I will NOT give up horses for him or anyone else. I won't marry anyone that doesn't respect me enough to accept that (if he rides that would be extra awesome). For your hubby, I'd lay down the law, remind him that the horses were around long before he was. He KNEW horses were your life and your passion and if he can't accept that then he can suck it. You didn't change, you didn't hide anything, so he has only himself to blame if he doesn't like your horse involvement.
Not to call you out... because if I were in her spot I would WANT to say something like this, but actually saying it is a recipe for disaster.
Saying this is putting an ACTIVITY before your husband. I love the quote, "Marriage isn't 50/50 it's 100/100." Granted he full well knew horses are a big part of your life, but he also married you, not your horses. Can you have a conversation of what he expects out of your marriage and what you expect and then come to a compromise? Does he have an activity that he really likes? what do you say to him when he runs off to hang out with his friends or does what he enjoys, are you supportive? |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| I was married, well still am legally, but getting a divorce. didn't even make it a year. As soon as I said "I do" he became a psycho monster. One day I came in from riding and he informed me i couldn't ride horses anymore when I got home from work. He wanted me to sit on the couch and hold his hand instead of riding. I said, fine, I will get up at 4:00am, ride my horses, deal with stupid people all day, then come home and sit on the couch and hold yr hand. He said, "do what ya gotta do". Guess what, I did what I had to do and kicked him out and filed for divorce from the monster. Happiest day of my life... I found my happiness again. The really funny thing about the whole deal was he knew I trained horses before we ever got married and I would never give that up. He was a team roper and farrier but wouldn't help me ride or ride his own horses. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 669
Location: Central Texas | I am sorry but I would not even consider continuing to being with someone who does not allow me to pursue and enjoy my passion. That is just being selfish on their part. I have my horse hobby and he has his hobby. Sometimes we share each others hobbies and sometimes we don't. We still make time for each other and enjoy that time. We rarely argue and if we do have a discussion, hobbies are not made a part of it. We focus on what the issue is about and try and find a resolution. I never did understand when an argument arose why people decide to bring everything but what is probably the real issue into the argument/discussion. I take a stand and will not allow myself to be baited into those type arguments. It sounds like there are other issues that may be affecting your relationship and the "horse" thing is just a stone to be thrown. I hope you find a way to work it out but my advise is life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 178
| I was in the same scenario. We were together for 10 years, almost 7 of them married. He was supportive in the beginning, rode, came to shows, had fun! Then grew jealous of my time with them. I tried to accommodate my family, however, regardless of that, the horses still needed to be fed and cared for. I'd ride at 5 am, so I was sure to be done and have chores complete before anyone even woke up. I ran myself into the ground trying to make it work. He admitted he was jealous of them.
There were other minor issues, but for us, this was the biggie. I just felt this was me- who I am and my passion. I knew without doing what I wanted with my horses, I'd be miserable. I was hard headed and refused to give in because I felt if I give, give, give, I'll just be unhappy and end up with nothing. It took me a long time, but eventually I said the heck with it. I left him.
My advice is to seek counseling first before you throw the towel in. It may be inevitable- or not- but at least you can say you tried.
I would be happy to report that I am now with a completely loving and supportive man, who wants to reach my goals and dreams as bad as I do. We are a team sharing our journey together. I learned my lesson and aimed higher. You can too. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | My husband is not a horse person, so I know how you feel. Here's what has worked for us: my husband likes to feel that he and the house are being taken care of. We both have the same work schedule, so we split household duties. We each have assigned nights we cook supper, so when it's his night to cook, I can go out and ride and do whatever I want until it's time to come in and eat. And vise-versa. We'll have supper together and sometimes watch tv together if I don't have something specific to do. When it's my night to cook, sometimes I cop out and do something super easy, but he really likes when I put in effort and make a nice meal. If making a nice meal makes him happy, then that's what I'll do.
We keep each other informed of activities we have coming up. I'll say "hey, do you mind if I go to a barrel race this Thursday" and he'll rarely have an issue with it. It's not that we have to get permission from each other, we just do it out of respect for each other. It shows we take each other's feelings into consideration instead of saying "hey, I'm going to a race Thursday whether you like it or not." He does the same with me.
What I've found really bugs him is when he thinks we're spending the evening together and then I take off to do something I hadn't told him about. As long as I let him know about it ahead of time, he's cool with it.
It really just comes down to finding a way to split up your time. You have to show your hubby that he is a priority in your life, just like the horses are. Maybe work out a schedule that both of you can agree on. You ride on certain days and spend time with him on other days. Or ride for a shorter amount of time so you'll have some time for him too. It's also really important that his physical needs are met. Men are pretty simple like that...give them what they REALLY want and they'll be more willing to give you what you want...or at least it's been working for me  |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| My first husband was a rodeo cowboy … and he knew I was a barrel racer … we rodeoed together! Everything became a problem … barrel races, my job, my family, etc. Divorce. My husband now is not a rodeo guy but supports my riding and will tell me "you need to go ride" when I'm having a bad time. He never complains about the money I spend on my horse. He doesn't understand but accepts. He either supports you in what you love .. horses, knitting, writing, singing, etc or not. If he doesn't you need to look deeper because there's a bigger issue.
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | JMHO, but there is something seriously wrong with the self-esteem of an individual feels upstaged by an animal. There is nothing you can do to make him happy because the problem lies within his own feelings of inadequacy and need to control. He needs to fix himself before he tries to change you. |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | While we can all give advice on a snippet of your life, the issue probably isn't horses. But horses are the easiest to use as the problem.
My hubby is a team roper. We both love horses and have had them our whole marriage. Since having kids, I've been somewhat resentful of the time he spends practicing and out in the barn. But it really isn't the horses that are my problem. My issue is that I have given up doing things for myself because I am the primary caregiver. More than anything I am jealous that while he is out having fun (my perspective), I am cleaning up bodily fluids and taking care of the kids. So for me, I have to take a step back and remember that the problem is really that I am up to my eyeballs in being a mom and that I really am resentful that he still seems to do what he wants. (I know his perspective is different.)
So my advice is to really try and determine the real problem and not the object he is using as the scapegoat. |
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Member
Posts: 13
| Hello Everyone, I am new to BHW. I have actually been reading discussions for a while. This one hit home for me so I had to sign up to say how I felt. I was just dumped after 1.5 years and his departure excuse was that my whole life is horses and that's all I cared about. It was very hurtful because I had them before we met and all he said was I can't wait to see you run again. (horse has been hurt and moving and building a home). Then throw it up in my face. Just want to say reading this helped me realize I can not give up who I am or I will be the one miserable. Thanks |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | When we encountered this issue, I had to do a lot of soul-searching, praying, crying, yelling, etc. It came down to me finally being willing to give up my horses. And, the next argument that he threw them into my face, I sobbed that I was ready. I was willing to sell them all if it would make life better for us. It was not a joke or hoax, but you know what? It must have taken that for him to realize that's NOT what he wanted! From that point on, they were not used as a weapon to make me feel bad about myself, my life, family, marriage, etc....
PS IMO, the comments about how he SHOULD be are a little irrelevant. We can't change them. At least, I'm not that good. Just try to find the underlying reason and not focus on the words spoken in anger. And, since I can't find the huggy guy, here's a ((((((((((hug)))))))))). |
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 Lady Di
Posts: 21556
Location: Oklahoma | troubledracer, do you have children? I have a friend going through this exact same thing, and I have told her a lot of the same things that have been posted here. I do not advocate divorce and her husband is a good man and a good provider, but he makes her miserable about her horses and her horse activities. They have had multiple discussions and are having a hard time meeting in the middle. She feels she shouldn't leave because of her children. She is following this thread and would like to know if you have children, as that complicates the issue. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Compromise is important in a marriage. There are ups and downs. I think you two need to sit down and discuss why the horses hobby bothers him so much, and try to see his side of the story. Try to explain to him why your hobby means so much to you.
Communication is important to open that door to find what makes you both happy. Marriage is about the both of you. I'm not saying you should give up what you love at all, but maybe there is something you can do to meet in the middle or try to understand his side of things. Obviously you married this guy for a reason, so he can't be all bad.
Hopefully you two can work it out, but the first step to doing so is addressing the problem through open communication. |
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Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | staying for the children is an excuse not a reason.........
thats just my 2 cents on that theory
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Well and I don't consider giving up the horses to make him happy as being a "compromise". That's not my definition anyway.
Get to the root cause. It's probably something else and the horses are the scapegoat. Counseling may be the way to go about getting to the bottom of the real issue. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | TrailGirl - 2014-12-09 1:56 PM Well and I don't consider giving up the horses to make him happy as being a "compromise". That's not my definition anyway. Get to the root cause. It's probably something else and the horses are the scapegoat. Counseling may be the way to go about getting to the bottom of the real issue. Neither do I... That's really not what my post said at all... in case you are referring to me. ETA: For me, an example of a compromise would be perhaps to set aside a night to spend time together once a week (if she had previously been riding every single night), or perhaps one weekend you both do something together, the next weekend he goes with you to a race.... etc etc
Edited by barrelracr131 2014-12-09 2:14 PM
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Veteran
Posts: 178
| I want to add, for me, my children were the reason I ended up leaving. I realized that I would not want any of my children to be treated the way I was, or witness the constant arguing, which brought me to my conclusion:
1- I am a role model for my daughters. Would I want them to be with someone like my husband? No, definitely not. Therefore, why was it okay that I was allowing myself to be treated that way? I wanted more for them and myself.
2- I am a role model for my son. Would I want him to treat a woman with disrespect the way I felt I was being treated? Absolutely not. Therefore, why am I modeling that this was acceptable?
It was HARD and I highly recommend doing what it takes to compromise and try to make it work. However, at the end of the day, life is short and you deserve to be happy. The man I am with now exemplifies the type of person I'd want for my own children. |
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