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Expert
Posts: 1314
 
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I think that you need to walk. You are making a life long decision that you are going to regret if you don't except his kids and ex into your life. You are going to have to except being in second place in his life. Their are a lot of people in this world and you need to find someone that is not carrying baggage with by the sounds of it. If you keep getting sucked into this relationship I think you are going to have a very unhappy life. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 421
Location: Texas!! | I had a wonderful step mom!! And she is a even better grandmother to my kids and my brothers kids!! I wish my mom and her could of gotten along, it would of been a lot easier on us back then. But it was what it was. My dad has been gone for 11 years now, and she has a boyfriend who knows we are still her step kids and step grandkids. I just wanted to let you know some kids do love their step moms!! | |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
   
| Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business.  I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. 
I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. | |
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 The Purple Princess
Posts: 2226
Location: Charlestown, IN | runnin.on.dreams - 2015-02-24 9:06 AM Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. This - 100%. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!! 
This!! RUN!!! I've been with my husband 8 years. Things are WAY better than they used to be but if I had to do over again... I wouldn't be here...  | |
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 Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | For the first time ever (im 26) Im dating a dad who was previously married (he's 33).
The age difference can be an issue.
I love his two boys and treat them like they're my own! He does spoil them but I feel like at the same time he's spoiling his ex wife too! (insert dramatic music here)
That is great you are able to love and treat those kids like your own but I would caution you, they are not yours.
If the mother was completely out of the picture it would be different. Then again, you would have to deal with grandma, aunt or whoever had been helping Dad raise them and that can be a problem too.
We have been dating since September and since then I have only seen her a handful of times when dropping the boys back off with her on sunday nights, and I honestly have to say she is the rudest most stuck up thing ive EVER met!
You have been dating him 5 months. This should be the time everyone is on their best behavior.
Regardless to say I do not like her and everytime she is brought up in a conversation me and my bf always end up arguing.
He does not want to hear your views of what is going on.
It would be wise of you to realize that now.
She is a lazy and selfish woman who lives off the state while she chooses to keep a minimum wage paying job while collecting over $1800 a month in child support from my bf.
There are more people out there raising children who don't get child support than people who are getting it.
She is a very fortunate mother in the fact her X actually pays child support and the high level of child support she gets for two children.
She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car, meanwhile my bf even pays her cell phone bill! He claims if he doesnt pay for her (smart) phone he wont ever get to talk to the kids...I ask why he cant pay for her to have a cheap flip phone he says because the kids like to play games on her phone... ok well both boys each have their own tablets with unlimited internet on them...keep in mind they're 5 and 7!!
He is a dumb a** for paying her cell phone bill.
He is spoiling his kids and being a Disney Dad. That will bite him in the a** as they get older.
They will want all the privileges but no relationship.
Am I the only one who sees a problem here or am I being jealous? I dont need him to pay my cell phone bill as I go to work everyday to pay for everything I have its just the principal
It sounds like he does not have a court ordered custody agreement with detailed visitation.
If he does not then he is really screwed.
If he was listening to you and began making changes the target of her hate will be on you because she will know you are influencing him to stop the gravy train. She will encourage the child to be disrespectful to you and demand loyalty to herself.
If you chose to stay in this relationship my advice would be:
1) keep your finances separated
2) detach from all things concerning the x-wife and the raising of the child. Stay out of it.
Good luck ~ Step life is not for the weak and will push every button finding any weakness.
There is a reason GOD hates divorce. HE knew the strife and damage it brings to all.
Edited by candyloveshorses 2015-02-24 5:08 PM
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-02-24 9:28 AM
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 365
| You've been dating 5 months, think about that. Your already fighting over financials. What the Ex Wife does is not your business. I just blocked every family member of my Ex who is my sons father because I couldn't sneeze without his mom calling him to tell him.
Child support is set by the state so he can't control that. If he chooses to pay her phone bill, that's on him. His choice to do so unfortunately. But if it's getting to you this much after only 5 months in, it would be better to walk. She will always be around to deal with and you can't change her. Either suck it up and deal or move on now. | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | I think you should stay out of it..and as far as the cell phone bill... he may want to keep in touch with his children and this may be the only way he can.. so dont judge him on that. noone here nows him nor the situation or his thoughts or reasoning for things.. but my advice is simple.. its not your business and be happy he is responsible... and most exs dont like the gf the first year .. its just normal usually..you either need to get on board with him and be supportive or leave.. its to early in the relationship.. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM
streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it.
Oh wow that is heartbreaking :( | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| hoofs_in_motion - 2015-02-24 9:30 AM rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. Oh wow that is heartbreaking : (
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-02-24 10:17 AM
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 11:01 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2015-02-24 9:30 AM rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business.
What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business.
I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.
Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. Oh wow that is heartbreaking : (
"Worthless" is an understatement.
Wow. | |
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | If you argue every time the ex wife is brought up, then it's a major problem....personally, I couldn't stand all that drama.....I would bail out of this relationship since you will have a front row seat to the ex's behavior and lifestyle as long as you are with this guy, and it seems like you are unable to look the other way....and if you stay, you might as well just put all the BS about the phone behind you and deal with it...he divorced her for a reason, and picked you for a reason.....if that's not enough, then you are too young and immature to handle all the crap you get with dysfunctional exes and step kids.....and in my opinion, it's just the start of a dysfunctional relationship.....I agree with those that say RUN...find someone without kids and no rabid exes and look forward to a drama free (hopefully) free life.... | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 1:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
I would not do it again either, even after 20 years of marriage.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | booney - 2015-02-24 7:42 AM
His child support is most likely set by the state in which he lives. If not, that's his choice. I think it's time for you to move on. You're only 26. This relationship isn't for you.
Ditto, cut him loose and move on. She enjoys controlling him, and you're going to end up making every decision based on how you think the ex will react. It will get to where you're afraid to spend money on something expensive because according to the ex, if he can afford that, he can afford more child support. She'll look at it as "how dare he spend his money on another woman when he could be spending it on his kids?" She's got him right where she wants him, and he knows if he puts his food down, she'll keep his kids away from him. I HATE, HATE, HATE when adults use their kids as weapons.
So unless you're ok with your whole life being controlled by another person, get out NOW while your relationship is still new. | |
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Location: Texas | runnin.on.dreams - 2015-02-24 8:06 AM Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. This - 100%. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!!
^^^^^^^ This hits the nail on the head. Plain and simple, just move on...
I have been in your situation before, it was THE worst relationship I had ever been in.
But, my husband has a daughter, from a previous marriage, and we ALL get along great! His daughter and I get along great, I even get along great with his ex-wife. It works for US.
"Kids" aren't the problem. It has to do with how those kids were raised and what is being put in their heads.
Referring to a previous post; To this day, if I ever walked into a house where my mother or father was and didn't answer when spoken to, I would get my butt whooped!! Which all comes down to how I was raised.
Take my random thoughts for what they are worth... | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| Definitely a hard place to be.. I was a step mom. Luckily I got along great with the kids and their mom. We are divorced now but I still keep in touch with the kids and their mom. I was lucky and got great step kids. Their dad...is a different story... | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 807
Location: New Mexico | I think at the end of the day you need to ask yourself what there is to gain. The only thing I see is a potential $100 from the cell phone bill that he pays for her. You're not gonna change his ex. Why do you care anyway? Maybe all the reasons you listed for not liking her are the reasons you and your bf are together in the first place. You're not going to change him. And you're not going to change the kids. So is this all worth $100???
Edited by crzystevielvr 2015-02-24 1:49 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO has two kids with his Ex Wife. I have learned to keep my mouth shut unless he specifically asks for my input. At first, he didn't. At all.
Now (over a year later) every decision he makes he always asks for my opinion.
It is better to keep quiet until they ask. Otherwise when the other woman lashes back it's "your fault" and his entire family gets upset at just you. And believe me he will not take up for you. He will say I told you to stay out of it now look what you've done. Painful, but true. My only business with his other two children are to love them unconditionally. The rest doesn't matter. It only affected our relationship when I let it.
He sounds like a good daddy, and that he would do anything to be with his two kids, including kick you to the curb the first time you are the reason he either doesn't get to see his kids, or she lashes out against him to spite you. Because trust me, She will. I know that's harsh, but it's true. I've seen it many times in other relationships similar.
Again, as a step mother figure, my only business with his other two children is to love them. Forget everything else. I learned that the hard way.
We do talk about what goes on with he and his ex but only after the children are in bed, and always quietly behind locked doors. I know his ex downs me and him in front of the children, and I refuse to be on that level. The children talk about her all the time and what they did on the weekend and things and you have to be okay with being excited about things they did with the other parent or it creates a terrible enviornment for the child. Children aren't stupid, they know when someone is lying to them, or putting on a show.
If you can't support them in everything, including loving their mother, you should leave... | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | If you feel this way about the X wife and kids this early in your relationship, ITS not going to work. If hes any kind of a good father his kids will come first no matter what you say or do. He sounds like hes trying his best to be a good dad and I dont think he needs anyone telling him that hes spoiling them, if he wants to spoil them he can they are his babys not yours. | |
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