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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
   
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
This. Love is a choice. Sex is a choice (fake it til you make it). Men need it to feel appreciated and emotionally connected--what has he done to earn your contempt and rejection? He deserves better than what you're giving him.
My husband would never ask me to choose between him and the animals. Not only because he's a good guy, but because he is secure enough in our relationship to know that if a choice truly had to be made, he would win. We all deserve that kind of security, but it's not easy to find. Don't take it for granted. |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM
outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM
Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about...
You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
Honestly, if that is the way you feel, let him go. You don't have the right to keep him from being loved like he loves you. I can't imagine feeling that way about my husband. I don't believe you can force love. It is obvious you really care for him but love him? No, I don't think you do. It is not your fault you feel that way, but it is not fair to him. I hope you get this figured out for the best for BOTH of you, not just yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
 
Location: Texas | My uncle married me and my husband. One of the things he said during the vows was that love is a daily decision. At the time, you think duh... But later on, when life gets hectic and reality sets in, that statement is so true.
Also, the less sex you have, the less you want it. The opposite is also true. The more you have, the more you want it. After two kids and six years without much sleep, it's often the last thing I want to do. The reason your husband is asking so much is because he feels neglected, and I can relate to all of this. My husband and I have been there.
Finally, you mention you had more passion in other relationships. I can also relate to this. The most "passionate" relationship I had was the one I had to bust my butt at the most. The reason I was busting my butt for it was that I was doing all the work. The guy was mentall and emotionally abusive. He was the biggest POS to walk the face of the Earth. At the time, I didn't see that. But looking back, the reason for the "passion" was because I was putting everything I had into that relationship. I'm not saying you have to go all out for passion, but it sounds like you aren't putting much effort into your marriage. I would suggest putting out more effort and saying yes more often. I think you might be surprised at the results.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM
I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
Start giving him the attention he needs in the bedroom, and you'll see a difference in his attitude. Men get very "frustrated" if they don't get sex on a regular basis. He does so much for you, so you need to give something in return.
Buy some sexy lingerie to get yourself in the mood. Even if you're not in the mood, put on your game face and get it done. It is completely unfair for one partner to withhold sex and still expect the other person to remain faithful. I DON'T condone cheating, but if he's not getting it at home, you can't really blame him for seeking out that attention somewhere else.
Basically your choices are to try and fix it yourself, go see a counselor, or cut him loose so he can find someone who can't live without him. |
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  Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Being verbal abused is no excuse no matter the cause. I like you have no desire for sex especially when the other half can ***** about every thing that makes you happy. If a man who loves he will not say those things to you in an aggravated voice. Fact. There is no such thing a stability unless you are alone. I live with someone who says what are you doing over 100 times per day every day. I suggest you move on if you wish for a fix. |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | Sounds like he is figuring out that you are lying to him and the marriage. |
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 Living within my means
Posts: 5128
Location: Randolph, Utah | I've never been married so maybe I don't get it but why did you just settle if you aren't attracted to him and don't love him in a romantic way.
Maybe you should move on and let someone who will appreciate him have him. |
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 Googly Goo
Posts: 7053
| I hope your next post is: "My husband left me". |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | aggiejudger - 2015-03-06 9:23 AM My uncle married me and my husband. One of the things he said during the vows was that love is a daily decision. At the time, you think duh... But later on, when life gets hectic and reality sets in, that statement is so true.
Also, the less sex you have, the less you want it. The opposite is also true. The more you have, the more you want it. After two kids and six years without much sleep, it's often the last thing I want to do. The reason your husband is asking so much is because he feels neglected, and I can relate to all of this. My husband and I have been there.
Finally, you mention you had more passion in other relationships. I can also relate to this. The most "passionate" relationship I had was the one I had to bust my butt at the most. The reason I was busting my butt for it was that I was doing all the work. The guy was mentall and emotionally abusive. He was the biggest POS to walk the face of the Earth. At the time, I didn't see that. But looking back, the reason for the "passion" was because I was putting everything I had into that relationship. I'm not saying you have to go all out for passion, but it sounds like you aren't putting much effort into your marriage. I would suggest putting out more effort and saying yes more often. I think you might be surprised at the results.
I agree with this! And how many times do you see women not want the nice guys cause they are busy chasing the jerks of the world. To the OP I really commend you for asking for help and trying to get this figured out. Sending Hugs! |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | All I can say is WOW! I feel for this guy, do him a favor a move on if this is how you feel towards him. I'm not usually so forward but good gosh woman. If everything you posted about him and still don't get it. Best of luck to the both of you. |
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Member
Posts: 8
| First, thank you to every single one of you for responding. I appreciate your honest feedback and advice. I feel absolutely sick this morning and I just don't even know where to start. When I woke up this morning I noticed a huge hole in our wall in the wall above our bed where he obviously punched or threw something last night. I just don't even know how to start to fix this. We (obviously) don't communicate well about problems and I don't know if I've pushed him to the point where he doesn't want to try.
To my defense (not that I don't deserve every word that's been said), but this little snap shot of our life is not necessarily typical. I don't usually withhold sex this much, I'd say we average 2 times a week. For whatever reason, last week passed without any, and then this week every night, he would say "Wanna have sex tonight? Nope, me either." even though I would have said yes. I took advantage of the "out" when I should have said yes anyway. But in "normal" life we get along and have fun, even if we don't spend much time together. I do get resentful that he spends so much time with his friends, and when he is with me, he purposely annoys me so that I'll tell him to go hang out with them. It's even become somewhat of a running joke when other couples ask us why I don't get mad that he doesn't spend much time at home, we say it's because he annoys me to get what he wants! This is why I say he acts like a teenage boy. He will do things like the "repeat" game where he repeats everything I say, or the "I'm not touching you" game, etc. It's annoying when little kids do it and it may be even more annoying when your husband does it.
I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to live like this either. I want to love my husband and be best friends and want to spend every minute together. I just don't know how to get there. |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Life's too short to be miserable. I hope he figures that out soon. |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | GLP - 2015-03-06 10:04 AM SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change. can't imagine feeling that way about my husband. I don't believe you can force love. It is obvious you really care for him but love him? No, I don't think you do. It is not your fault you feel that way, but it is not fair to him. I hope you get this figured out for the best for BOTH of you, not just yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband.
Why are you wasting both of your time? You don't HAVE to be married, and especially married to someone you obviously aren't head-over-heels for. I can't imagine being tied to someone day in and day out that I'm not actually in love with... Men don't just need sex, they need the emotional security (that women need too.) You have that security, he doesn't, because you aren't giving it to him. You aren't giving it to him because you aren't treating your marriage as a marriage, it sounds like you're treating your partner in life as a strained friendship vs a husband.... It's not fair to him at all. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | If you want to fix it, start with yourself and go see a marriage counselor. Show him that you want to try. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 399
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 9:42 PM
Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability.
As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy.
Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with?
If I responded to someone that the reason I married my husband for stability and safe and that I traded attraction for stability I would feel HORRIBLE for my husband because men may be quiet about things but they are NOT dumb. After six years they will figure out this that you do not feel attractive to him. I can see why he gave you an ultimatum over the animals or him because he probably needs to feel SOMETHING because in all reality he probably has his heart breaking. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 399
| Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
SO TRUE! |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out. |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 11:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
They made that movie here in town. One of the bigger churches produced it. While "cheesy" as you say, it does make a very good point. |
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Member
Posts: 8
| Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 10:47 AM
So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
Thank you, I'll see if I can find it.
I've also ordered the books that were recommended. |
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