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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
   
Location: Texas | Herbie - 2015-05-01 10:08 AM He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
I second the advice about not talking bad about her father. My husband and I made a deal when we got together that we would never say anything bad about my exhusband in front of my son. We stuck to it. If he came telling us stories about things his dad said about us (things no kid should hear) we would tell him that we just needed to pray for his dad. We also didn't just let him sit around and talk bad about his dad to try to make us happy if that makes sense. He could have his opinion and we could talk about it, but he wasn't allowed to bash him.
My son does not like his dad, does not want to be around his dad. There are some things that happened that allowed me to take rights completely away from my ex, and have my husband adopt my son. My son hasn't seen his dad in almost 14 months, or talked to him.... he hasn't said 1 word about him other then "I'm glad I don't have to go to his house on the weekends anymore."
My reasoning for the no bad mouthing policy was because I never wanted it to come back that I "brainwashed him" or whatever (Not that I cared what my ex thought, I did it so I didn't push my son right into his arms). My son came home from school one day ( he had a lot of cousins in that school), he said "Mom, Hayley said that my dad is mad because yall lied to me to make me not like him anymore." All I had to say was "Have I ever said anything bad about your dad? Have I told you not to like your dad? Have I ever told you to lie about your dad?" All of his answers were no. I said "Well how did we make you not like him then?" He thought about it and said "Well... you didn't." I didn't have to justify anything, but he figured it out. | |
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Location: Post Falls, ID | Can you change phone # or just block his texts? | |
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Location: Texas | Southtxponygirl - 2015-05-01 1:19 PM I agree with the others, Do not return his texts unless its about your child all the other nosense texts dont resond. It just makes him want to keep on doing the hatefull texts as long as you respond to them, so no need for them, hugs to you 
I agree with Rox!
And remember that the way he acts is not your fault! Don't let him manipulate you into thinking your a bad mother or person, because if you were none of this would bother you.
Many prayers, and hugs for you and your daughter. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | pinx05 - 2015-05-01 1:35 PM
Herbie - 2015-05-01 10:08 AM He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
My son does not like his dad, does not want to be around his dad. There are some things that happened that allowed me to take rights completely away from my ex, and have my husband adopt my son. My son hasn't seen his dad in almost 14 months, or talked to him.... he hasn't said 1 word about him other then "I'm glad I don't have to go to his house on the weekends anymore."
My reasoning for the no bad mouthing policy was because I never wanted it to come back that I "brainwashed him" or whatever (Not that I cared what my ex thought, I did it so I didn't push my son right into his arms). My son came home from school one day ( he had a lot of cousins in that school), he said "Mom, Hayley said that my dad is mad because yall lied to me to make me not like him anymore." All I had to say was "Have I ever said anything bad about your dad? Have I told you not to like your dad? Have I ever told you to lie about your dad?" All of his answers were no. I said "Well how did we make you not like him then?" He thought about it and said "Well... you didn't." I didn't have to justify anything, but he figured it out.
This sounds so much like my situation with my ex husband; it's been almost 8 years and my son (17) has no desire to be around his father (notice I didn't say "daddy"). But it's not because of anything I have said or done. The kids in this scenario are not stupid. Hugs and prayers to the OP and the other moms and kids who have gone thru this.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2015-05-02 1:26 AM
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| I'm pretty adamant about not talking about him in front of her. I'm not saying I haven't slipped up, but we all try very hard to not even THINK about him when she is around. I as well believe if she forms the opinion for herself, that is best! Thank you for the advice about telling her to pray for her dad if she comes home saying the things he says about us. I know she gets uncomfortable there already because she is a very high energy, fun, happy kid; but sometimes she comes home in an almost depressed like state and just wants me to hold her close. It's absolutely heart wrenching. I really wish I could just change my phone number but I'm obligated by the court to supply him with my number. I guess I could just get a new number and keep the one I have strictly for only him... Except then I have to change all my business stuff too! Hugs to all you as well that have or are going through something similar. Nobody deserves to be treated so poorly but unfortunately that's the world we live in anymore it seems. | |
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 Works Hard For The Money
Posts: 4469
Location: Memphis, TN | I haven't read all the responses so sorry if this has been said.
I had issues with my sons birth father being manipulative. He wasn't abusive it just never really was about my son for him it was only about trying to work me over. I finally told him that when he called/texted the conversation was ONLY to be about my son. He was not allowed to ask about me or my personal life. If he tried to ask I would immediately say I am not discussing that with you what would you like to know about our son? I immediately deflected anything that was about me. If he kept persisting I would say do you have anything else you need to discuss about our son because if not I am done with this conversation. As I expected he eventually quit calling all together because I would not discuss my life with him. I ended up having his rights terminated and my husband adopted my son. Absolutely the best thing that has ever happened. You are only obligated to keep him updated on your child. You DO NOT have to be friends with him. Be blunt and do not allow him to take discussions anywhere other than about your child. If he tries to bring feelings into the mix tell him you are sorry he feels that way or you can say you respect his opinion but will not argue or take it further. Ask him if he needs to know anything logistically about your son and that is all to discuss. Honestly you have to be a b!tch. Stand up for yourself. It may be hard at times as you can't help but let emotions- anger, frustration, hurt- come up but choke them down and talk about your child only. I promise you can do it. Hugs. | |
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 How freakish is that?
Posts: 3927
Location: Oregon | A friend of mine had the same problem. There is a website called "Talking Parents" that she went through - it's like a private message board for parents to discuss their children. She only communicated with her ex through this site - no phone calls or texts. It's court approved and they keep transcripts of every conversation. Nothing can be deleted or edited. The transcript can be printed out for court if needed. It's free. https://www.talkingparents.com/
Edited by crapshooter 2015-05-02 1:44 PM
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