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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7268
   
| He sounds like a bully. I am sorry for your situation. Big hugs. |
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
 
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | Griz - 2015-06-25 10:16 AM
He sounds like a bully. I am sorry for your situation. Big hugs.
Agree with Griz. Sending hugs.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 629
| Some of the best advice I got about parenting was do a litte something for yourself everyday- your something is horses.
 Completely agree. I do not have kids, (so take this advice as you see fit) but I am married. When the topic of kids comes up with family, we say, we are thoroughly thinking it through before making a decision.
I firmly believe 2 things about marriage and kids. Your spouse should never be prioritized below any children. (Of course, assuming you have a stable marriage - if there is any kind of abuse, this does not apply) You should never prioritize yourself below your children or your spouse.
Having kids, and a life, and a spouse is a juggling act. There are days the kids take up more time than anything. There are days it should be the spouse. There are days you HAVE to put you first.
You cannot be the best wife, mom, employee, daughter if you don't do something for yourself to keep you happy. |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | Wow, sounds like he wants more control over you. You say you ride during lunch, and go to a handful races a month. So really you only take time "away" from your family on those Sundays....
IMO I would seriously rethink your relationship with him. He might not be physically abusive right now, but he might get there soon....
The fact that he does not take care of the kids when you are out is a huge nono for me. They are his kids also, and he needs to take responsibility.... we are not living in the 1800's anymore....
Does he have an issue with you going out with girlfriends (like lunch, or a movie or something) if so, major red flag...
My husband was not in horses at all. But now he helps feed them, goes to races with me, brushes them before I need to run. And also video's all my runs (and those of friends when they don't have anybody available).
He is very supportive of me, and I know I am very lucky in that, because there are not a whole lot of hubbies tagging along all the time...
Now I know we don't have kids together, but I know with his kids he was hands on.
I would not give up your sanity (which it is for me....) for anybody. But maybe he can find a hobby of his own to focus on.
Hope it all works out for you. Good luck and be strong! |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Divorce $ 20 at court house. Put for sale out front of house. Split the difference. Not worth walking on egg shells for the rest of your life. You will learn to hate and every MALE that walks this earth. Now is never too late. Love him from a distance. Hugs. |
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Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Divorce $ 20 at court house. Put for sale out front of house. Split the difference. Not worth walking on egg shells for the rest of your life. You will learn to hate and every MALE that walks this earth. Now is never too late. Love him from a distance. Hugs. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 628
Location: Missouri | My bf jokes about it from time to time but if he ever told me to give up my horses, BUH BYE! Kids or no kids. I've seen women be controlled by men and I will NOT have it. Take me for me or get out the door I can have another guy in no time.
I would seriously consider your relationship. Why be with someone who doesn't support you in ALL that you do! Girl I think it's time to sit yourself down and contemplate your life and your decisions. At the end of the day you are your #1 ( and of course your kids) but you should be able to enjoy your life. Prayers and be strong.  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | You say you work from home...is that your preference? Have you always had a job in the home? I ask because a man like this one is trying to isolate and control the woman. If your only social interaction with friends outside of family is the barrel races...I suspect THAT may be the real issue for him. Whatever his motive...it's WRONG.
If he isn't even being "burdened" with the care of the children when you are at a race...what is he doing? He should WANT to care for the kids part of that time. The fact that he doesn't really bothers me.
Are you apprehensive around him because you just don't want to argue any more...or do you fear he could get physical? If it's the latter...you need to seriously talk with your family to let them know your concerns so they are there to support you.
There is no reason you cannot be an awesome mom and wife while keeping your hobby. It sounds to me like he needs to look in the mirror and think about what he needs to do to be a better husband and father. |
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | There is something seriously wrong with an individual that is threatened by an animal. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 597
| Here's my advice; if you don't put yourself first NO ONE ever will.
We teach people how to treat us, whether that treatment is good or bad is up to us. You don't have to be a diva, you don't have to be a princess, but having a horse and going to a few jackpots is not diva treatment!!! Be very careful not to let go of too much, once you lose it (whatever "it" may be) it's difficult to get it back. Good luck girl, I'm sorry you're in this situation. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1395
Location: Missouri | TrailGirl - 2015-06-25 2:05 PM
You say you work from home...is that your preference? Have you always had a job in the home? I ask because a man like this one is trying to isolate and control the woman. If your only social interaction with friends outside of family is the barrel races...I suspect THAT may be the real issue for him. Whatever his motive...it's WRONG.
If he isn't even being "burdened" with the care of the children when you are at a race...what is he doing? He should WANT to care for the kids part of that time. The fact that he doesn't really bothers me.
Are you apprehensive around him because you just don't want to argue any more...or do you fear he could get physical? If it's the latter...you need to seriously talk with your family to let them know your concerns so they are there to support you.
There is no reason you cannot be an awesome mom and wife while keeping your hobby. It sounds to me like he needs to look in the mirror and think about what he needs to do to be a better husband and father.
This was my first thought, also. Big hugs and prayers to you, OP. |
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | I'd say throw him a big ol' F U. But that's just me. Of course I don't know him or your situation, and I'm sure he has some good qualities, but from your post he sounds like a lazy, insecure a$$hole. The fact that he won't even care for his own children when alone with them is highly alarming. Him making unreasonable demands for you to get rid of the horses or stop competing would be enough for me to leave. If it were ME I would give him an ultimatum. Either he starts pulling his weight and shuts up about the horses, or you leave. That's just me. Only you can know what's right for you.
Edited by cavyrunsbarrels 2015-06-25 8:53 PM
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | A lot of what I was going to say has already been said. So I'll just say I'm sorry you're going thru this and prayers for you and your children. |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| I married a man that was very controlling. He made me quit riding. At that time I was the one to beat around here. My wonderful horse went to waste in the pasture. My husband became very ill and died after a 5 year illness where i had complete care of him. I really do not think he ever appreciated what i did. This is a whole other story but I had to wait at the police station for about 3 hours and was trying to find something to read. The only thing I could find was a pamphlet about spouse abuse. As I read the pamphlet I realized that was me. Wow.
After 15 years of not ridding, I just can't ride anymore so I went to a clinic at Josey's. I know everyone there and used to compete against all of them. One of the ladies asked me why I had not ridden in so long. Another one answered that my husband would not let me ride. I was so surprised that everyone knew.
You need to encourage your husband to get some counseling. This is only going to get worse until you resent everything about your husband. It does not contribute to a healthy relationship. |
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Veteran
Posts: 225
Location: Montgomery TX | Honey, I have been in your shoes! There are so many people praying for you and your family. I love the support we can get from our board buddies.
I was married to a man very similar to how you are describing your husband. In my case, I sold the horses and everything associated with them. It did not help, not one bit! There was always something that he found to gripe about, eventually he became physically abusive also. Not saying your husband will, but mine did. I took my kids and left. Fast forward 12 years, I am now in a position to start riding and hauling again. I'm not competitive by any means! LOL But I'm happier and more care free than I have been in a very long time. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who will shove me out the door to the barn when I'm grumpy, he knows it relaxes me and I'll come back in the house in a much better mood. He has his motorcycles, fishing and hunting and I have my pony and we're both happy with that.
Whatever you do, be safe and know we are praying for you. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 316
| I have been there with no children (not married) Asked for how long I am going to be doing this and would get angry and jealous when I went every weekend. Now my S.O. jokes about how horses are my first priority over him because he knows how much they mean to me and he says they are important to him just due to the fact that they mean so much to me and knows that where ever we may end up living that my horses are always coming with
Mind you neither were horse people before we met |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | wild_west - 2015-06-25 6:56 PM
Here's my advice; if you don't put yourself first NO ONE ever will.
We teach people how to treat us, whether that treatment is good or bad is up to us. You don't have to be a diva, you don't have to be a princess, but having a horse and going to a few jackpots is not diva treatment!!! Be very careful not to let go of too much, once you lose it (whatever "it" may be) it's difficult to get it back. Good luck girl, I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I agree.
My husband wanted me to sell my horses for financial reasons, and I was pregnant, couldn't continue working where I was because I was pregnant yada yada. I did end up selling them, and even though it was the right thing to do at the time for our family I still kind of resent it. Some days I have pity party days and I feel like I will never have horses again.
I was also the person that would give up any extras so we could afford this, or we could pay that off faster. Meanwhile money was being blown by everyone but me. So I finally got fed up, husband got a good raise and I am doing the things I always wanted to do but never wanted to spend the money. Husband made a comment a few weeks ago about how high maintenance I have become in the last few months. I said "Well I am tired of doing without and still getting no where. Now I am doing the things I have always wanted to do." His answer "About time." lol He is the type that will blow money and not bat an eye (as long as bills are paid), I was trying to off set his spending habits by not spending any myself. So now we both blow money and I am having a heck of a time lol. Can't take it with us lol. |
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | I have been a victim of a bully and control freak....NEVER AGAIN....I haven't been in a relationship for a long time for this very reason, and I can tell the women who have supportive SO's and spouses to cherish that relationship...and I can also tell the ones in daily arguments and walking on eggshells to get out now, life is too short....like Dr. Phil says..."Id rather be happy and alone than sick with someone else"...and I hate to tell you it is a sick relationship that will destroy your self worth over time....he does not value you at all, so please value yourself, plus your kids are seeing him as a sick role model and it will affect their relationships seeing your dysfunstional one and how you respond......
another thing is that if you stay long enough and then leave, you will actually experience symptoms of PTSD...the relief of finally having some peace in your life and being able to make your own choices is so overwhelming that it takes a lot of time to get used to, and only those who have been there will know what I'm talking about...hugs!!! |
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 Dog Rescue Hero
Posts: 1660
Location: Oklahoma City OK | This issue resonates with me....I've never understood why someone who supposedly loves you, wants you to give up or deny you something that makes you happy. Just doesn't make sense..... |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | So very sorry for your situation. No advice....
But this just is a grand reminder of how blessed I am. My husband never liked horses. But as a stay at home mama, he is our familys sole provider. And he HAPPILY pays for my horses, surprises me with saddles and tack. Encourages me to attend races. Hauls us to them. Helps brush and saddle with me and cheers me on. He is my biggest SUPPORTER. As a husband and partner should be. But I know he is AMAZING. I couldn't handle being with someone who wanted to control what I did. Thank you for reminding me of how truly blessed I am. |
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