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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
   
Location: N Texas | luluwhit - 2015-11-30 2:17 PM cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 12:12 PM RidenFly - 2015-11-30 11:06 AM cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 8:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family. Oh I know you...I see you everytime I look into the mirror. You say you bring this up while he tries to go to sleep? Yep, because it stewed in your mind all day. You're an overthinker. So am I. You also said your ex would have done anything to stay married but you chose to leave even though you share children? Aha. Well, sounds like new guy here thinks about those things too and maybe doesn't trust you. You go on to say that he treats your children wonderfully but if he doesn't put a ring on it, you're willing to rip those kids from someone else? That's not fair to the kids. You really have to consider them and their feelings. How many men are going to take in another man's children and be kind to them? How many times can a child be expected to open their hearts to a stranger?
So much for you to consider. I will not leave him, I love him very much and value our relationship. I also would never do that to my children or him. I just want to find a way to be happy and accept it as it is. I do over think, very much so. I don't blame him for not wanting to marry me--I just need to find a way to bring peace within myself with it.
you need to respect him and the relationship you built with him enough to come to a mutual decision you both can live with...
me personally, if i had heard that if you hadnt been married or had kids i would have already married you would have put my boot in his ass and said adios.... thats cold and callous.
Right?? Sounds like a very convenient excuse he can throw in her face because he knows she can never change that.
Some guys are like "well, after I get a good job and we get a house, we can get married". Then after that happens, the excuse becomes "well, I want to get x accomplished before we get married" and it's an endless line of excuses to delay it as long as possible. This guy knows he has an excuse that doesn't expire. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
 
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I was wondering to, is there a age difference between the two of you? | |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Getting married wont save anyone...i think way to many ppl hide behind that...well he married me now he cant leave..he wont cheat...we will be together forever blah blah......its a bit delusional. ....a piece of paper and a gold band dont make a person more commited their heart and how much respect they have do that. ....m | |
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Cat Collector
Posts: 1430
| mruggles - 2015-11-30 1:39 PM
Getting married wont save anyone...i think way to many ppl hide behind that...well he married me now he cant leave..he wont cheat...we will be together forever blah blah......its a bit delusional. ....a piece of paper and a gold band dont make a person more commited their heart and how much respect they have do that. ....m
For once I totally agree with you!!!! | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | No way I would buy a house or have a man's baby if I wasn't married to him! It does make it more challenging that you already have 3 kids but he knew this going in. If he never plans to leave you and loves you, why wouldn't you get married, it just makes sense and it's a commitment for life... I know I might catch crap for it but that's why I think you shouldn't move in with someone unless you're married to them, it makes marriage seem pointless and I know it's the norm nowadays but look at the divorce rate, there is no commitment and nothing to lose.. it's sad and I feel awful for all the broken families in the world, especially with for those with kids. I come from a divorced family and know the hell kids go through! | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | joplin21 - 2015-11-30 4:18 PM Southtxponygirl - 2015-11-30 2:38 PM I was wondering to, is there a age difference between the two of you? We're only a year apart, in our mid thirties. We've been friends forever, but it wasn't until after my marriage we started dating. The reason it has really became an issue over the past year or so is that I just assumed with time we would. Well time has been ticking. When we discussed it in the beginning, it was more a matter of letting the dust settle after my divorce and not just jump into another marriage, to be sure it's right. Well time passed, so I wanted to know his thoughts on our future and if that's what he wanted. Overall he doesn't, but then in the next breath he acts like it's going to happen. Idk, I can't talk to him about it anymore.
Well you are both still young, I was thinking maybe you were older since you had children and he didnt..And that was the reason he was not wanting to get married, I hope that you get it figured out and I dont blame you for wanting to get married befor you have a child with him but being together 6 years thats a pretty long time, if he was ready to get married I think it would be now since you two should know each other pretty darn good by now..You sound like a sweet girl, just try to be understanding and if its meant for the two of you to be married then it will happen, I hope for the best for the two of you.. | |
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | Are you living in a house and property that he owns? If you do, I would urge you to get your own place and if you want to continue a relationship with him, at least wait to move in with him until you actually buy a place together where you have 50/50 property rights. I hope he is going to follow through "buying a house together", but I'd be very surprised if he did that because he sounds scared.
I think he's playing you...he says just enough of all the right stuff to keep you hanging on, but also enough of the red flag stuff to show his cards....it's no wonder you feel the way you do...jmo.
Don't you imagine what it would be like with someone who cherished you and cared enough to ask you to marry him? That good guy is out there and you'll never meet him as long as you are with this one...
p.s...I've been in your shoes exactly and my regret in life is that I didn't leave sooner than I did...I wasted a lot of years feeling resentful and angry like you...it never goes away, it just gets worse until you see it for what it is and put it behind you.... | |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I don't understand how someone can be smart enough to diagnose themselves and yet just can't stand to have a successful relationship ( Notice I did not say marriage ). Why do you want to be self destructive. This man has already married you and has excepted your family in his mind. I will bet you that if you force the issue of marriage and make him marry you. You will be divorced within a few years. This is all about a power struggle and you are willing to gamble this life with him just to prove you are right. And yes I am a man and I know what is going on in his head. And I have been married to my wife for 34 years. Marrage to him is like the horse that pulls back at the rope when he is tied to a trailer. If he thinks he can get away he will never pull. If he pulls and he feels trapped he will pull till he breaks free. | |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | A Marriage Certificate is MUCH more than just a piece of paper....the "Spouse" may have certain rights not allowed to a "girlfriend......
You’ll qualify for an estate tax marital deduction. When one spouse dies, his or her estate passes to the surviving spouse, tax-free.
You’ll qualify for the gift tax marital deduction. As long as your spouse is a U.S. citizen, you can make tax-free gifts of any amount to him or her
You can receive survivor’s benefits from a pension plan. If your spouse is lucky enough to have a pension, and they’ve elected to have survivor’s benefits, you will continue receiving pension benefits after he or she dies.
You can receive Social Security benefits…..Spouses have the option of filing for a spousal benefit, which gives them the potential to collect up to 50% of the other spouse’s benefit amount,”
You’ll save on health insurance…. Usually plans for one plus a spouse are cheaper than if you each have your own plan, even if it’s an employer sponsored plan
You have an advantage if your spouse is incapacitated. If your significant other is in a car crash, you may have more difficulty seeing him or her at a hospital if you aren’t a blood relation or a legal spouse. And if a judge has to name someone to make healthcare or financial decisions on behalf of your partner, you may be overlooked in favor of a parent or sibling if you aren’t married.
You have more protection if your spouse dies…… If one passes away without a will, the state is going to dictate where your assets go. If your significant other still has parents and siblings in the equation when that happens, they may receive assets over a nonrelated boyfriend or girlfriend.
You have more legal rights. For instance, if your spouse is in a fatal accident, you can sue for wrongful death.
You have a leg up when buying a home. Two spouses have a combined income and a legal reason to stay together—and mortgage lenders like that.
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boon
Posts: 4
| Cindy Hamilton - 2015-11-30 4:34 PM
Are you living in a house and property that he owns? If you do, I would urge you to get your own place and if you want to continue a relationship with him, at least wait to move in with him until you actually buy a place together where you have 50/50 property rights. I hope he is going to follow through "buying a house together", but I'd be very surprised if he did that because he sounds scared.
I think he's playing you...he says just enough of all the right stuff to keep you hanging on, but also enough of the red flag stuff to show his cards....it's no wonder you feel the way you do...jmo.
Don't you imagine what it would be like with someone who cherished you and cared enough to ask you to marry him? That good guy is out there and you'll never meet him as long as you are with this one...
p.s...I've been in your shoes exactly and my regret in life is that I didn't leave sooner than I did...I wasted a lot of years feeling resentful and angry like you...it never goes away, it just gets worse until you see it for what it is and put it behind you....
We both have our own homes- his is newer but no land and on a highway. Mine is a 4 bedroom home with my barn and land and I also have rental properties. He rents his house out and lives with me. I pay all of our household bills and for the horses. He makes our tractor and horse trailer payment, and any "fun" stuff we do, such as going out to dinner or trips.
There is no question in my mind that we will buy the house (the property next to us) if it becomes available. I am going to focus on improving myself, but making these big steps without the commitment of marriage from him is just kind of scary to me. I will not be having a child with him out of wedlock, so that is not an issue.
I just feel like something is missing if he cannot commit to marriage, especially since it is important to me. I guess I am pressuring him by talking about it, but I'm sorry, after 6 years (that have not been pressured) it's time to $#!& or get off the pot. It's not like his rope is tight and I'm at the end of mine with the string of excuses. I feel like at this point it should be more like he can't wait to marry me and be excited about it, not an argument.
Part of me is hurt by it because it is what I want, and then the other part of me says that I'm going to stay independent and you don't get to have me as your wife (that's the tough me coming out lol) | |
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| My opinion, is that if he is committed to you and your children and after 6 years, why won't he marry you? I just can't help but think he is still leaving his options open in case he changes his mind. He hasn't yet, but he can still be flexible. He's got a pretty good thing going and sounds like you pull your weight financially at least 50% if not quite a bit more. To the ones that say if you do push him into marriage, then you'll probably be divorced in a few years - he could still leave in a few years through no action of your own. And, like you, I wouldn't want to marry him if he or I felt he had to be pushed into it.
I suspect that you might regret staying with him in a few years without marriage. What if you don't marry and buy property together and then split up? How difficult will that become to work out? This just doesn't give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.
Good luck to you.
Edited by MO gal 2015-12-01 11:24 AM
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | NJJ - 2015-12-01 9:32 AM A Marriage Certificate is MUCH more than just a piece of paper....the "Spouse" may have certain rights not allowed to a "girlfriend......
You’ll qualify for an estate tax marital deduction. When one spouse dies, his or her estate passes to the surviving spouse, tax-free.
You’ll qualify for the gift tax marital deduction. As long as your spouse is a U.S. citizen, you can make tax-free gifts of any amount to him or her
You can receive survivor’s benefits from a pension plan. If your spouse is lucky enough to have a pension, and they’ve elected to have survivor’s benefits, you will continue receiving pension benefits after he or she dies.
You can receive Social Security benefits…..Spouses have the option of filing for a spousal benefit, which gives them the potential to collect up to 50% of the other spouse’s benefit amount,”
You’ll save on health insurance…. Usually plans for one plus a spouse are cheaper than if you each have your own plan, even if it’s an employer sponsored plan
You have an advantage if your spouse is incapacitated. If your significant other is in a car crash, you may have more difficulty seeing him or her at a hospital if you aren’t a blood relation or a legal spouse. And if a judge has to name someone to make healthcare or financial decisions on behalf of your partner, you may be overlooked in favor of a parent or sibling if you aren’t married.
You have more protection if your spouse dies…… If one passes away without a will, the state is going to dictate where your assets go. If your significant other still has parents and siblings in the equation when that happens, they may receive assets over a nonrelated boyfriend or girlfriend.
You have more legal rights. For instance, if your spouse is in a fatal accident, you can sue for wrongful death.
You have a leg up when buying a home. Two spouses have a combined income and a legal reason to stay together—and mortgage lenders like that.
All this ^^^^^^^^^^^  | |
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 10:58 AM
Cindy Hamilton - 2015-11-30 4:34 PM
Are you living in a house and property that he owns? If you do, I would urge you to get your own place and if you want to continue a relationship with him, at least wait to move in with him until you actually buy a place together where you have 50/50 property rights. I hope he is going to follow through "buying a house together", but I'd be very surprised if he did that because he sounds scared.
I think he's playing you...he says just enough of all the right stuff to keep you hanging on, but also enough of the red flag stuff to show his cards....it's no wonder you feel the way you do...jmo.
Don't you imagine what it would be like with someone who cherished you and cared enough to ask you to marry him? That good guy is out there and you'll never meet him as long as you are with this one...
p.s...I've been in your shoes exactly and my regret in life is that I didn't leave sooner than I did...I wasted a lot of years feeling resentful and angry like you...it never goes away, it just gets worse until you see it for what it is and put it behind you....
We both have our own homes- his is newer but no land and on a highway. Mine is a 4 bedroom home with my barn and land and I also have rental properties. He rents his house out and lives with me. I pay all of our household bills and for the horses. He makes our tractor and horse trailer payment, and any "fun" stuff we do, such as going out to dinner or trips.
There is no question in my mind that we will buy the house (the property next to us ) if it becomes available. I am going to focus on improving myself, but making these big steps without the commitment of marriage from him is just kind of scary to me. I will not be having a child with him out of wedlock, so that is not an issue.
I just feel like something is missing if he cannot commit to marriage, especially since it is important to me. I guess I am pressuring him by talking about it, but I'm sorry, after 6 years (that have not been pressured ) it's time to $#!& or get off the pot. It's not like his rope is tight and I'm at the end of mine with the string of excuses. I feel like at this point it should be more like he can't wait to marry me and be excited about it, not an argument.
Part of me is hurt by it because it is what I want, and then the other part of me says that I'm going to stay independent and you don't get to have me as your wife (that's the tough me coming out lol )
But he told you from the beginning he didnt want to get married... so you either accept that or you move on. It really is that simple but you have to genuinely accept it. He clearly doesnt want marriage right now, maybe ever... and it doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong in a relationship and if you have those doubts then you have bigger issues than this you need to resolve.
I think you could benefit from seeing a counselor because in the end, this is only a problem you can solve. He made his decision... long ago. You need to come to terms with it. | |
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 10:58 AM Cindy Hamilton - 2015-11-30 4:34 PM Are you living in a house and property that he owns? If you do, I would urge you to get your own place and if you want to continue a relationship with him, at least wait to move in with him until you actually buy a place together where you have 50/50 property rights. I hope he is going to follow through "buying a house together", but I'd be very surprised if he did that because he sounds scared.
I think he's playing you...he says just enough of all the right stuff to keep you hanging on, but also enough of the red flag stuff to show his cards....it's no wonder you feel the way you do...jmo.
Don't you imagine what it would be like with someone who cherished you and cared enough to ask you to marry him? That good guy is out there and you'll never meet him as long as you are with this one...
p.s...I've been in your shoes exactly and my regret in life is that I didn't leave sooner than I did...I wasted a lot of years feeling resentful and angry like you...it never goes away, it just gets worse until you see it for what it is and put it behind you.... We both have our own homes- his is newer but no land and on a highway. Mine is a 4 bedroom home with my barn and land and I also have rental properties. He rents his house out and lives with me. I pay all of our household bills and for the horses. He makes our tractor and horse trailer payment, and any "fun" stuff we do, such as going out to dinner or trips. There is no question in my mind that we will buy the house (the property next to us ) if it becomes available. I am going to focus on improving myself, but making these big steps without the commitment of marriage from him is just kind of scary to me. I will not be having a child with him out of wedlock, so that is not an issue. I just feel like something is missing if he cannot commit to marriage, especially since it is important to me. I guess I am pressuring him by talking about it, but I'm sorry, after 6 years (that have not been pressured ) it's time to $#!& or get off the pot. It's not like his rope is tight and I'm at the end of mine with the string of excuses. I feel like at this point it should be more like he can't wait to marry me and be excited about it, not an argument. Part of me is hurt by it because it is what I want, and then the other part of me says that I'm going to stay independent and you don't get to have me as your wife (that's the tough me coming out lol )
I truly feel your pain. It sounds like you have things thought out and the only glitch is the marriage certificate....all I can say is don't give him an ultimatum unless you are prepared to hear the worst...and like I said, after having gone through this exact same thing myself for many more than 6 years, I would never do it again (all the resentment and anger eventually made me a worse person in every way until I said no more, sad to say)....he would have to respect my beliefs and wishes in this or I'd move on, but I see there are many on here who would live without the piece of paper and think nothing of it, but it's just not me anymore...best of luck, it's really a huge life lesson no matter what you choose... | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I'm young and haven't been married but am a child of divorces and marriages and have also been in a few long relationships with those who didn't want to necessarily have a commitment so I do have a little background in what you're feeling. I'm actually feeling like that right now that I possibly could be going down this road...marriage is important to me and I DON'T wanna just play house. Granted I'm younger and not as far along with kids, but there's that fear of what if they leave, hurt because they don't feel as attached as you do to WANT to get married, they have an easy out and you think it's probably on their mind if they don't want to make that commitment, etc etc. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Everyone has their own opinion of marriage but I definitely get where you're coming from and I pray you can do what you need to do or find peace with the decision you think he's made. Counseling definitely helps and church does too so you can relieve the bitterness you're feeling inside | |
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Miss Southern Sunshine
Posts: 7427
Location: South Central Florida | It's clearly an important issue to you. I would seriously have to question the relationship. My point, if it doesn't "matter" to him, they why not do what you would like?
I think what has changed after six years, is that you have realized (and I'm going out on a limb here) that you are NOT the one, and you know that deep inside in more that 1 way. There are other things that are telling you that you are not the center of his world, and the committment is varriable. That is all still true in a marriage situation, however after being married, if I had ANY QUESTIONs at all, I would not marry, and might rethink the situation. I know I would NOT buy a house nor have a baby.
I'm sorry, I have not read any of the comments, this is just my gut feeling.
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Miss Southern Sunshine
Posts: 7427
Location: South Central Florida | Southtxponygirl - 2015-12-01 12:28 PM NJJ - 2015-12-01 9:32 AM A Marriage Certificate is MUCH more than just a piece of paper....the "Spouse" may have certain rights not allowed to a "girlfriend......
You’ll qualify for an estate tax marital deduction. When one spouse dies, his or her estate passes to the surviving spouse, tax-free.
You’ll qualify for the gift tax marital deduction. As long as your spouse is a U.S. citizen, you can make tax-free gifts of any amount to him or her
You can receive survivor’s benefits from a pension plan. If your spouse is lucky enough to have a pension, and they’ve elected to have survivor’s benefits, you will continue receiving pension benefits after he or she dies.
You can receive Social Security benefits…..Spouses have the option of filing for a spousal benefit, which gives them the potential to collect up to 50% of the other spouse’s benefit amount,”
You’ll save on health insurance…. Usually plans for one plus a spouse are cheaper than if you each have your own plan, even if it’s an employer sponsored plan
You have an advantage if your spouse is incapacitated. If your significant other is in a car crash, you may have more difficulty seeing him or her at a hospital if you aren’t a blood relation or a legal spouse. And if a judge has to name someone to make healthcare or financial decisions on behalf of your partner, you may be overlooked in favor of a parent or sibling if you aren’t married.
You have more protection if your spouse dies…… If one passes away without a will, the state is going to dictate where your assets go. If your significant other still has parents and siblings in the equation when that happens, they may receive assets over a nonrelated boyfriend or girlfriend.
You have more legal rights. For instance, if your spouse is in a fatal accident, you can sue for wrongful death.
You have a leg up when buying a home. Two spouses have a combined income and a legal reason to stay together—and mortgage lenders like that.
All this ^^^^^^^^^^^
Add to this, to be married He would be telling the World...I love her and am committed to her! I know it's personal, but it is far more than a piece of paper.
If he is not willing to protect you in the ways marriage does, I don't think he is you "one".
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 10:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family.
This confused me...
I thought you were upset because you say he doesn't want to get married, but here you say he does want to get married?
I honestly don't see what the problem is.. Just do something fun and simple. Take a trip to graceland with the kids and get married there or even Vegas, or just a backyard wedding.
I would assume that if he has said for 5 years he doesn't want to get married and now he has changed his mind it's because he's finally realized you are "the one". Why else would he stay in a relationship with you and your kids for 6 years? If he didn't want to commit to you he would have left a long time ago.
But maybe I just don't understand the situation. That's my advice based off what I think is going on. | |
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