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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
  
| RnRJack - 2017-03-19 9:26 AM
I understand the bottom line is the child and that's why I've tried to make it work for so long but I will not stay in a toxic relationship and make myself miserable for the rest of my life just because of his child. I plan on still spending time with her as I have a great repore with his grandparents who watch her a lot. So my intentions were to stay in her life as long as I possibly could. Now, if he gets some help or counseling then I would consider going back and working things out, as everything needs the chance to change or get the help they need if THEY want it, but I cannot force him to want to change nor can he change me.
I agree with jake16. I think she was saying DON'T stay for the child, if the relationship is toxic to you, get out now rather than months or years down the road. It will be better for you and the little girl. You are in a hard place right now and i wish the best. You and the little girl deserve better than what he is willing to give you. |
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 Regular
Posts: 84
| You should not have to give up what you love just to make him happy.If thats the case he should give up fishing.Everybody deserves to have something that they love and feel passionate about without being criticized for it. If he cant understand this then you should move on and find somebody that will. good luck
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
  
Location: Displaced Iowegian | GLP - 2017-03-19 9:56 AM RnRJack - 2017-03-19 9:26 AM I understand the bottom line is the child and that's why I've tried to make it work for so long but I will not stay in a toxic relationship and make myself miserable for the rest of my life just because of his child. I plan on still spending time with her as I have a great repore with his grandparents who watch her a lot. So my intentions were to stay in her life as long as I possibly could. Now, if he gets some help or counseling then I would consider going back and working things out, as everything needs the chance to change or get the help they need if THEY want it, but I cannot force him to want to change nor can he change me. I agree with jake16. I think she was saying DON'T stay for the child, if the relationship is toxic to you, get out now rather than months or years down the road. It will be better for you and the little girl. You are in a hard place right now and i wish the best. You and the little girl deserve better than what he is willing to give you.
I agree that a toxic relationship is not good for anyone and, certainly, not for an autistic child. Additionally, jumping "in and out" of an autistic child's life is NOT in the best interest of the child. You will cause more problems in this child's world because they don't understand "adult" issues....I think that you are looking for solutions like IF he goes to counseling....IF he does this....IF he does that.....make a clean break ! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Where is the child's mother? Does he have her full time?
It almost seems that he was looking for you to be a mother...that he needs someone to help care for his child. Anything you do that takes time for yourself and away from the home is going to be a problem for him. Look at the Sunday issue...you give up that day and instead of the three of you doing something together...he skips off to fish and get away while you take care of his kid. He doesn't want a partner that spends more time with HIM...he wants a babysitter. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | SC Wrangler - 2017-03-18 8:52 AM
If it wasn't the horses, it would be knitting, gardening, volleyball, or pretty much anything that kept your time from being centered around HIM. IMHO this is a symptom of HIS issues and HIS need for control in the relationship. I guess the question whether or not you are willing to deal with his jealousy forever.
Agree. 100%.
My husband does not have the smallest amount of interest in my horses. But I couldn't ask for anyone more supportive. In the last 6 months we sold our big house in a neighborhood and downsized to a tiny house on 20 acres. He spent all day just yesterday building fence. All for me. How blessed am I?
He doesn't go to horse shows with me. I feel guilty asking him to sit through that torture. He doesn't enjoy it. But he's perfectly fine going fishing or piddling around his shop until I get home. Doing something he DOES enjoy. We get "our time" in, but we don't have to have all the same hobbies and spend all of our free time together.
I think it's about balance.
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO and I have been together for a while. He has his trucks and his motorcross bikes and all his mechanical things. I have horses. He understands that his bikes keep him sane and my horses keep me sane. He watches the girls while I ride and I watch the girls while he rides or tinkers with toys/trucks.
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 BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | I married a non horse person and in the beginning it was great because he was in love with the idea of being with a "cowgirl". He had a 10 year old son and when his son was riding he was very involved. Once his son stopped, he stopped and it became and issue.
My response was and still is............I had horses before you and I'll have horses well after your gone. He doesn't say much anymore. |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | My husband is non horsey... but he supports me. He's supported me buying/trading/selling horses. In fact, we kept a filly that was his even though I hate mares. He traded the filly off for a gelding I fell in love with so I could have a horse that I'd be happy with. We have a 6 month old baby and a 9 year old. He's working 12-14 hour days, but still tells me a couple evenings a week to go and ride so I can have me time. It comes down to working as a team and supporting each others hobbies. |
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | Well, I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said in the aspect of it being a man problem and not so much a horse balance one. If he won't back off on making you feel guilty, you just need to apply some good ole Southern female life-training on his poor little hide and let him know that you'd be happy to take his daughter to the barn so you can more properly balance that life/hobby issue out. Be sure to let it sink in just how much money this is going to add up in the future with two females in the house in horse-love and associated costs of pony plus horses plus shows plus . . . well, everything. Be a doll and get online to find yourself an article about the benefits of "horse therapy" and autistic kids -- believe me, they are out there -- and tell him of your new plan and show him how it's medically sanctioned and approved. Get his parents in on it if you have to. Hit him hard between his eyes with the notion of it being something that maybe you all (including him) should be involved in and have family time down at the barn instead of just at the house. Do it right and I have a feeling you'll free up some time for yourself at the barn -- just like you wanted all along. Show him how much worse it could be. |
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 Expert
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Location: Cocoa, Florida | Red Raider - 2017-03-22 9:46 AM
Well, I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said in the aspect of it being a man problem and not so much a horse balance one. If he won't back off on making you feel guilty, you just need to apply some good ole Southern female life-training on his poor little hide and let him know that you'd be happy to take his daughter to the barn so you can more properly balance that life/hobby issue out. Be sure to let it sink in just how much money this is going to add up in the future with two females in the house in horse-love and associated costs of pony plus horses plus shows plus . . . well, everything. Be a doll and get online to find yourself an article about the benefits of "horse therapy" and autistic kids -- believe me, they are out there -- and tell him of your new plan and show him how it's medically sanctioned and approved. Get his parents in on it if you have to. Hit him hard between his eyes with the notion of it being something that maybe you all (including him) should be involved in and have family time down at the barn instead of just at the house. Do it right and I have a feeling you'll free up some time for yourself at the barn -- just like you wanted all along. Show him how much worse it could be.
We had a long discussion about just this yesterday!!! I need to find articles of how therapeutic it really is. He thinks I just want him to come hang out at the barn and that's not the case!! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Anybody that wants you to change that much of who are are...it aint good..and its only going to get worse. ....you need to put yourself first not the man or the kid but YOU......m
Edited by mruggles 2017-03-22 10:09 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 911
Location: Northern Ontario | My amazing BF is non-horsey is super supportive but he doesn't ride at all. I am ok with that. He likes to pet her and feed treats, and we are working hard towards buying our farm in a few years(He is into sleds, trucks, and ATVs bigtime and is a country boy) From your post, it doesn't sound like non-horsey issue, it sounds like a relationship issue. Those issues arent really related to horses because even if you weren't a horse person, you would still have other hobbies |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 710
| I dated a team roper and it was the worst experience of my life. Don't think because they are in the horse industry that everything is going to make sense and he'll understand you better. I'd rather have someone who loves me and wants me to succeed, and have an equal relationship. It sounds like you're very unhappy, maybe it's time to move on for yourself. |
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 The best bad guy on the internet
Posts: 3519
Location: Arizona | My husband is a non-horsey person too. In the beginning it was indeed a struggle. I had six horses at the time. He thought for sure they were a phase, and I didn't understand him wanting me around more..I had to compromise. I have 3 horses now. He understands how important they are too me, they are my life. I do make time for him as well. I had to adjust my riding schedule and take time out and spend it with him. He has his motorcycles and hobbies too. We each have our own thing and then we have our common interests as well. It's a perfect balance. Does your SO have other interests/hobbies? If you aren't happy and he's not either, then end it and move on. Life is just too short to be miserable! |
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Doggy Diaper Designer
Posts: 2322
Location: WI | Sweetie, get out now. He will not change, it will not get better long term. I been there done that and now have a divorce decree to show for it. I'm 36. I was with him 7 years. I cut back on horses to the point I barely rode. It was an emotionally abusive tactic he used to essentially get me to do all he wanted. He too has a child that I was step mom to.
It damaged me badly and I'm still recovering two years later and trying to regain my drive to compete and haul again.
It's not worth it!
I've now been with someone only 5 months, but it's great. He knows zero about horses, but he's crazy obsessed with hunting and managing his land. It works. He gets passion and he thinks the world of me for who I am.
It can be so much better, get out! Dont look back. |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | RnRJack - 2017-03-22 10:02 AM Red Raider - 2017-03-22 9:46 AM Well, I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said in the aspect of it being a man problem and not so much a horse balance one. If he won't back off on making you feel guilty, you just need to apply some good ole Southern female life-training on his poor little hide and let him know that you'd be happy to take his daughter to the barn so you can more properly balance that life/hobby issue out. Be sure to let it sink in just how much money this is going to add up in the future with two females in the house in horse-love and associated costs of pony plus horses plus shows plus . . . well, everything. Be a doll and get online to find yourself an article about the benefits of "horse therapy" and autistic kids -- believe me, they are out there -- and tell him of your new plan and show him how it's medically sanctioned and approved. Get his parents in on it if you have to. Hit him hard between his eyes with the notion of it being something that maybe you all (including him) should be involved in and have family time down at the barn instead of just at the house. Do it right and I have a feeling you'll free up some time for yourself at the barn -- just like you wanted all along. Show him how much worse it could be. We had a long discussion about just this yesterday!!! I need to find articles of how therapeutic it really is. He thinks I just want him to come hang out at the barn and that's not the case!!
I think you are grasping at straws....you already stated that you give up YOUR time for HIS child .... he will be happy as a peach for you to take care of her FULL TIME!
But he is still going to b*tch about you being unavailable to him....NOW., the end thought should be what is in the best interest of the CHILD....tension, squabbling, and turmoil is NOT in the best interest of an autistic child.... |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | NJJ - 2017-03-25 9:23 AM RnRJack - 2017-03-22 10:02 AM Red Raider - 2017-03-22 9:46 AM Well, I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said in the aspect of it being a man problem and not so much a horse balance one. If he won't back off on making you feel guilty, you just need to apply some good ole Southern female life-training on his poor little hide and let him know that you'd be happy to take his daughter to the barn so you can more properly balance that life/hobby issue out. Be sure to let it sink in just how much money this is going to add up in the future with two females in the house in horse-love and associated costs of pony plus horses plus shows plus . . . well, everything. Be a doll and get online to find yourself an article about the benefits of "horse therapy" and autistic kids -- believe me, they are out there -- and tell him of your new plan and show him how it's medically sanctioned and approved. Get his parents in on it if you have to. Hit him hard between his eyes with the notion of it being something that maybe you all (including him) should be involved in and have family time down at the barn instead of just at the house. Do it right and I have a feeling you'll free up some time for yourself at the barn -- just like you wanted all along. Show him how much worse it could be. We had a long discussion about just this yesterday!!! I need to find articles of how therapeutic it really is. He thinks I just want him to come hang out at the barn and that's not the case!!
But he is still going to b*tch about you being unavailable to him....NOW., the end thought should be what is in the best interest of the CHILD....tension, squabbling, and turmoil is NOT in the best interest of an autistic child....
Where is the mom to this child? Sounds like he needs a full time mommie for his kid. Do they live in your house are did you move in with them? I hope all this bad feelings between you and daddy are kept from this child, autistic children are so very fragile. This kid needs a mommie, where is his? I agree with Norma that your grasping at straws, this man is not going to change, and you did point out and made it very clear that this is his child and you are giving up your time for him/her.. Be prepared because he does need you not so much for himself but for the child. How old is he/she. I may have missed this somewhere.. |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | I didn't read all the responses but it honestly has nothing to do with whether or not your SO is a horse person or not. My dad and his wife have ZERO in common and respect that and let the other do what they enjoy. My husband is very much a horse lover. We have so many things in common, but still fight like cats and dogs about ALL of it. He is very critical and at times, a know it all about my horse interests. He is a great colt starter and rancher, just a great horse man. But he thinks that gives him the knowledge to tell me about barrel racing and the horse shows. Not a good thing. I can take advice and help all day long. Critisism just makes me want to throat punch him. I may sound harsh, but we have been working cattle together all spring and as all ranch people know, that quickly developes a love/hate relationship   |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 683
Location: Ohio | I have been married 8 years to a man who isn't into horses and he has never made me feel bad about time spent at the barn and has always been there when I needed his help with them. He doesn't mind running me meds at 3 a.m. when I have a colicky horse, he doesn't make me feel bad when I need his help putting up new fence or fixing something around the barn. He knows how much my horses make me happy just like I know he has his own hobbies that make him happy. There are good, non horse guys out there who wouldn't dream about wanting you to give up what you love, kids or not!!!! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1286
Location: Mississippi | My hubby is about as non-horsey as they come but he is very supportive. He doesn't come to many of my races but he supports my "habit" and never says much about what spend on my horses (time or money). I will say that he is getting more interested in them but I don't suspect he will ever want to go riding with me and honestly, I am fine with that. His business is his hobby and he enjoys his cattle. I enjoy my horses. I have always been comfortable doing my own thing so it doesn't bother me that we have our own separate interests. I am extremely thankful that he works so hard and wants to see me to accomplish my personal goals.
I haven't read all of the posts but I don't think it's all about finding someone who enjoys all of the same things you do - I think it boils down to being comfortable with yourself and trusting one another. And from what you say, it sounds to me like your boyfriend is very insecure. |
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