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 Firecracker Dog Lover
Posts: 3175
   
| I have not read this book and do not plan to. Marriage is tough - no doubt. I think it boils down to how you handle the "little" things. Does he squish the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the bottom? Do I let it drive me crazy or do I just squeeze from the bottom and make it nice and neat again? It's a toothpaste tube for God's sake, squeeze it where you want. Or get separate toothpaste tubes. :) My husband has not cleaned a toilet since before I married him and that has been over 20 years now. I am happy to clean the toilet - for a couple ofl reasons. One - it means I have a toilet - in a home - and some people don't so I am thankful for that. Second - I have never had to plow snow out of the driveway in 15 degree weather with the wind blowing Mach II out. It's a trade off for me.
I am a very strong, independent woman and while I am sure my husband gets frustrated with that on occasion it's also the thing about me that he loves. I HATE to be wrong and I know that. He is a worrier and that drives me crazy. I think we balance each other out. Ultimately I think finding that balance is the key. You have to learn to deal with and overcome differences and sometimes that is hard. But you will both be better for it in the long run. I will always have his back and he will always have mine. There have been times when I know we have driven each other crazy but I think times like that make you appreciate all the good stuff all that much more. And you have to find things to do TOGETHER. My husband is not a horse person AT ALL. I'd prefer to spend every weekend out barrel racing but I can't because it's not his passion. So I make a point to do things he likes to do too and even if I don't get to barrel race on a particular weekend I do get to spend time with my best friend. | |
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 If you knew me you would want to be me
Posts: 13645
 
Location: Utah | I have read it and I have read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and I learned things that I have incorporated into our 30 years of marriage. I do try to greet hubby every time I see him as if I am really happy to see him, heck I am so why not show him that I am.
Men think different than women and having that pointed out to me has helped me understand how he does things differently.
I also read 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
They have valid points. | |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I have not read the book but I agree with all of her points that another poster listed. Everyone keeps saying that marriage is give and take and is a two-way street. Well from the points it doesn't sound like she is saying that the woman has to be the one to give, give, give. To me she was writing TO women and giving advice on what a woman should do in her relationship because the only person you can take control of is YOU! You can't make him a better husband but you CAN make yourself a better wife. Whether your husband sees what you are doing, appreciates it, and decides to reciprocate is totally up to him. I guess that is where good communication comes in to play in a successful marriage. If you don't feel appreciated or that he is giving at all then you need to sit down and talk to him...NOT blame him but let him know how you feel and what you would like to see him do that would show you his love for you. I CHOSE this man to be my husband. I do not want to change him at all. I want to better myself to show him how much I love him. If my man could do something more to show me his love for me I will let him know. If you are secure with who you are as a woman and in your relationship you will not be so worried about caring for your man and doing things for him as being seen as "submissive" and "controlled". You do those things out of LOVE and respect not because you are forced to.
I sometimes feel I am the man in the relationship...lol. We have put off having kids because we want to be selfish and enjoy each other and enjoy being married. I'm not saying kids are not a joy but I want this time to be about us because once we have kids we will never have this back so why not just take our time and be selfish and build on our relationship and really get to know each other? I am one that when we got our new puppy early in our relationship I was jealous of the puppy!! I can see how a husband can become jealous and resentful of the kids. I honestly would get upset when he would snuggle and give the pup a ton of attention. I would feel left out and ignored. Silly as it sounds but it is the truth! I didn't want him to foget about me...hahaha!
I suggest the book the "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It talks about how we all preceive love differently. For example, in our household my #1 love language is "Physical Touch" and that doesn't necessarily mean sex which is what a lot of guys jump to thinking "I need sex in my relationship". No it is about other little physical things such as holding hands, hugging, slight touch as you walk by, etc. For isntance, I constantly will touch my husband. I love to be near him and some part of my body whether it is my foot, hand, whatever needs to be touching him. Whenever I walk by him I will either stroke my fingers through his hair or slap him on the butt...hahaha! I do that because that is how I percieve love...with touch. So in order for my husband to truly show me love he would need to show me affection through touch. I show my husband love through "Words of Affirmation"....so in other words...stroke his ego....lol! Well not exactly but my husband feels most loved when I show my support for him and let him know how much I appreciate what he does, and that he is doing amazing things at work and should be proud of all he has accomplished, etc. For him "Physical Touch" is probably 3rd on the list but it also may not seem like it is as high on his list because that part of his "love tank" is full because I do that all the time. If I never touched him or showed him the affection I do maybe "Physical Touch" would score higher on the list for him. But this book has a quiz that helps you realize what you may be missing in you love tank if you are unhappy. It will help you figure out why you are unhappy. Both of our "love tanks" are full and have been but there is the occasion where I feel a little less loved or that something is missing, etc. I think we all have those days but now I have an idea of why I may feel that way. It is not because he doesn't love me but he just didn't fill my tank that day...lol. It is definitely good information to have for the future because maybe our marriage someday will not always be as strong as it has been and this info could definitely help us figure out where it is going wrong.
Edited by Just Bring It 2014-01-09 1:43 PM
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Do we need to change your name to husband groper? LOL | |
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 Baby Blue's
Posts: 7306
Location: Texas | I read this yesterday and loved it. My husband could have written it. I just think it's funny that a man could get "jealous" of his children. I know every family/marriage is different (as I stated above) but my husband is too busy being the 50% to my 50% of the parents to be jealous. Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around the concept (kind of like me trying to imagine what -50 degrees feels like. Just can't do it!) of it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/awesome-dad-styles-daughter-39-hair-breaks-internet-204400163.html
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 2:52 PM I read this yesterday and loved it. My husband could have written it. I just think it's funny that a man could get "jealous" of his children. I know every family/marriage is different (as I stated above) but my husband is too busy being the 50% to my 50% of the parents to be jealous. Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around the concept (kind of like me trying to imagine what -50 degrees feels like. Just can't do it!) of it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/awesome-dad-styles-daughter-39-hair-breaks-internet-204400163.html
Love this quote.
"Until we can get to the point where men and women can complete the same parenting tasks and the reactions are the same, we will have problems. If you want to create a statue for me for taking care of my daughters, create one for the moms who are doing the same **** thing every day for their kids without receiving a 'Thank you' or an 'Ooooh' or 'Ahhhh.' These behaviors should be expected of moms and dads. No exceptions." | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | Three 4 Luck - 2014-01-09 1:49 PM Do we need to change your name to husband groper? LOL
hahaha!!! Pretty much! At least is is my OWN husband!  | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 1:52 PM I read this yesterday and loved it. My husband could have written it. I just think it's funny that a man could get "jealous" of his children. I know every family/marriage is different (as I stated above) but my husband is too busy being the 50% to my 50% of the parents to be jealous. Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around the concept (kind of like me trying to imagine what -50 degrees feels like. Just can't do it!) of it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/awesome-dad-styles-daughter-39-hair-breaks-internet-204400163.html
I can definitely see a man getting jealous of his kids. He went from #1 in the love of his lifes eyes to #2. He went from having this woman that only had eyes for him and was more than happy to please him to having a woman that has to take care of the child first and then at the end of the day is too tired to give him any attention. It's not saying dad's hate their kids! Of course dads love their kids just as much as the mother but they just begin to feel "left out" or pushed aside and forgotten about. I absolutely understand where men are coming from when they say that. I think dads are absolutely amazing and should be willing and able to do everything the woman does to take care of the child (minus breastfeeding of course...lol) and it shouldn't be a huge surprise when they do but that doesn't mean they completely forget about being a husband as well. There is a difference between being a mom and a wife and a dad and a husband. I think the husband and wife relationship should come first. That relationship is the glue holding the family together. Nurture and care for it like you did when you decided you wanted to bring a child into it. Growing up with a family filled with love will give the child a foundation on what to base their future relationships around. Sometimes I think men begin to feel like the only reason the woman wanted in the marriage was to have kids and now that she has them she is happy and doesn't need him. He wants to feel needed and loved still. I know I never want my husband to feel neglected. After all HE is the reason I want to bring kids into this world....because I love him and want to share that with him. Not because I just want to be a mommy. | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 1:52 PM I read this yesterday and loved it. My husband could have written it. I just think it's funny that a man could get "jealous" of his children. I know every family/marriage is different (as I stated above) but my husband is too busy being the 50% to my 50% of the parents to be jealous. Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around the concept (kind of like me trying to imagine what -50 degrees feels like. Just can't do it!) of it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/awesome-dad-styles-daughter-39-hair-breaks-internet-204400163.html
I agree, having kids can be crazy times, especially when you have 4 a year apart but it doesn't have to hurt your relationship. My husband was hands on with the kids, doing what ever needed to be done. He still pinched me on the butt back then and still does today. | |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Just Bring It - 2014-01-10 12:29 PM I have not read the book but I agree with all of her points that another poster listed. Everyone keeps saying that marriage is give and take and is a two-way street. Well from the points it doesn't sound like she is saying that the woman has to be the one to give, give, give. To me she was writing TO women and giving advice on what a woman should do in her relationship because the only person you can take control of is YOU! You can't make him a better husband but you CAN make yourself a better wife. Whether your husband sees what you are doing, appreciates it, and decides to reciprocate is totally up to him. I guess that is where good communication comes in to play in a successful marriage. If you don't feel appreciated or that he is giving at all then you need to sit down and talk to him...NOT blame him but let him know how you feel and what you would like to see him do that would show you his love for you. I CHOSE this man to be my husband. I do not want to change him at all. I want to better myself to show him how much I love him. If my man could do something more to show me his love for me I will let him know. If you are secure with who you are as a woman and in your relationship you will not be so worried about caring for your man and doing things for him as being seen as "submissive" and "controlled". You do those things out of LOVE and respect not because you are forced to.
I sometimes feel I am the man in the relationship...lol. We have put off having kids because we want to be selfish and enjoy each other and enjoy being married. I'm not saying kids are not a joy but I want this time to be about us because once we have kids we will never have this back so why not just take our time and be selfish and build on our relationship and really get to know each other? I am one that when we got our new puppy early in our relationship I was jealous of the puppy!! I can see how a husband can become jealous and resentful of the kids. I honestly would get upset when he would snuggle and give the pup a ton of attention. I would feel left out and ignored. Silly as it sounds but it is the truth! I didn't want him to foget about me...hahaha!
I suggest the book the "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It talks about how we all preceive love differently. For example, in our household my #1 love language is "Physical Touch" and that doesn't necessarily mean sex which is what a lot of guys jump to thinking "I need sex in my relationship". No it is about other little physical things such as holding hands, hugging, slight touch as you walk by, etc. For isntance, I constantly will touch my husband. I love to be near him and some part of my body whether it is my foot, hand, whatever needs to be touching him. Whenever I walk by him I will either stroke my fingers through his hair or slap him on the butt...hahaha! I do that because that is how I percieve love...with touch. So in order for my husband to truly show me love he would need to show me affection through touch. I show my husband love through "Words of Affirmation"....so in other words...stroke his ego....lol! Well not exactly but my husband feels most loved when I show my support for him and let him know how much I appreciate what he does, and that he is doing amazing things at work and should be proud of all he has accomplished, etc. For him "Physical Touch" is probably 3rd on the list but it also may not seem like it is as high on his list because that part of his "love tank" is full because I do that all the time. If I never touched him or showed him the affection I do maybe "Physical Touch" would score higher on the list for him. But this book has a quiz that helps you realize what you may be missing in you love tank if you are unhappy. It will help you figure out why you are unhappy. Both of our "love tanks" are full and have been but there is the occasion where I feel a little less loved or that something is missing, etc. I think we all have those days but now I have an idea of why I may feel that way. It is not because he doesn't love me but he just didn't fill my tank that day...lol. It is definitely good information to have for the future because maybe our marriage someday will not always be as strong as it has been and this info could definitely help us figure out where it is going wrong.
I agree with what you said 100%. And kudos to you for not having kids but taking this time for yourselves. I don't think it is selfish at all. When the kids do finally come along, they will have parents with a strong relationship that has been cultivated and is strong. That is the best gift you can give them as parents, IMO.Â
Edited by Hollywood's Fan 2014-01-09 4:30 PM
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  Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
Annemarea, you sound like my twin and I never had kids too for the exact same reason. Of course, I grew up being resented and being told you could never ever trust anyone so what could you expect?
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me --
My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place. | |
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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7268
| Murphy - 2014-01-09 1:55 PM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 2:52 PM I read this yesterday and loved it. My husband could have written it. I just think it's funny that a man could get "jealous" of his children. I know every family/marriage is different (as I stated above) but my husband is too busy being the 50% to my 50% of the parents to be jealous. Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around the concept (kind of like me trying to imagine what -50 degrees feels like. Just can't do it!) of it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/awesome-dad-styles-daughter-39-hair-breaks-internet-204400163.html
It always KILLS me when someone says their husband is "babysitting." - You don't BABYSIT your OWN kids! | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Fairweather - 2014-01-10 3:58 AM annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me --
My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place.
Excellent advise. My husband is the kindest, most thoughtful husband you could ask for. He is also a cut to the chase kind of guy. Years ago when I was at home all day with our 4 young kids I would whine when he went to go play golf on the weekends, I am bored, etc. even though I was not planning on going and doing anything. He looked at me and said " You are my best friend and I love being with you but it is not my job to entertain you, find an interest and I will support you anyway I can or you can come with me when ever you want." Shut me up :) | |
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Baby Blue's
Posts: 7306
Location: Texas | rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 7:17 AM Fairweather - 2014-01-10 3:58 AM annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me --
My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place.
So if you would've walked out (kidless) to a barrel race at that point, he would've been fine? | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| bocephus's mama - 2014-01-10 7:37 AM rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 7:17 AM Fairweather - 2014-01-10 3:58 AM annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me --
My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place.
Yep, we didn't have horses back then, too broke but I started planning stuff with friends and he happily stayed with the kids, bathed them, did laundry and if it was dinner time he cooked to. | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Sounds like you have a good man there rodeomom. Smart too. He understands "womanese" and knows how to cut to the chase as well.
Womanese is a hard language to master. I'd rather have to learn Mandarin Chinese. I will say that since being on BHW for the past 7 years I've started to understand womanese better. Women are curious creatures, but then again I can't imagine life without them. It's a challenge trying to translate the language sometimes, but life wouldn't be very fun without them. They are a little like trying to figure out a Rubik's cube. | |
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Baby Blue's
Posts: 7306
Location: Texas | rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 8:02 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-10 7:37 AM rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 7:17 AM Fairweather - 2014-01-10 3:58 AM annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me --
My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place.
That's good!
We do everything together. I couldn't imagine leaving on the weekends for hours at a time on a regular basis (I work so all week during the day I don't see my kids or husband) and my husband certainly wouldn't be doing it either. Even now, I'm studying 20 hours a week (most at work but 6-7 on the weekends) and slicing out 3 hours of time by myself is hard.
Maybe it's b/c I work but if my husband walked out the door to play golf more than once in a blue moon, the sh/it storm he'd come home to would make Katrina look like a summer shower.
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| bocephus's mama - 2014-01-10 8:38 AM rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 8:02 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-10 7:37 AM rodeomom3 - 2014-01-10 7:17 AM Fairweather - 2014-01-10 3:58 AM annemarea - 2014-01-09 9:32 AM bocephus's mama - 2014-01-09 8:47 AM Marriage is such a strange animal. We're all different and every relationship is different so have a formula for a successful marriage is as real as aliens. For instance, my husband and I are alphas. I NEED an alpha however two alphas is pretty volatile. Most people couldn't handle our type of relationship but for us, we need the other to have that particular personality trait.
Some people that have long marriages have them because they give and take and all that. Others have them b/c neither partner, although possibly unhappy, doesn't have the personality to leave (change is tough) and there are some marriages that still exist because one partner may lack the means to make it alone (no skills to work, etc) yet we throw all of these long lasting marriages into the same "successful" bucket.
I like your comment. Marriage and men has always been a big source of hatred for me. I grew up watching my parents making marriage look like the worst thing that can happen to two people. I have read this book years ago and what I remembered about it was to try to make your man feel like the "man" in the relationship. I am alpha in my relationships....I do what I want, and if they don't like it, "pack your ****". I never wanted to "need" a man because of what I witnessed and saw growing up. Honestly, I am happiest living seperate, but in a relationship. I begin to have panic attacks once a man asks for commitment and marriage. After counseling I learned to give in a little more and take more chances. This is the longest I've ever been married (2 years! LOL) and it is extremely difficult for me. Financially I do not need a man and never have. I have never wanted to have kids because of what I went through growing up. I always felt that kids were such an awesome, serious responsibility and did not want their happiness dependant on me. So, I have never "stayed" for the children. One day I went to see my counselor and just flat out asked, "How the hell do people stay married?!?". What I got, was a very real response. She told me that, honestly, most people stay becasue of the children or for financial reasons. They just tough it out. Then, my cousin told me basically she was still married for the same reason (for her financial) and from the outside this woman looks to have the perfect marriage. I never realized how unhappy she was. It made me feel better about all of my failed relationships. I've always felt so different than everyone else. Never had a desire to get married/have kids. Marriage is work.....PERIOD. No easy way about it. And I still have no idea how to have a successful marriage. At this point I feel like it's more about forgiving and moving on from each other's imperfections and communicating your feelings as often as possible. I am probably every mans worst nightmare! LOL
I've been married for 11 years now and it's not always easy. I think the key to surviving and not being bitter is to let things go and not focus on them, remember you're not perfect either and remember things could be a lot worse.
As far as the book, I really think whether or not you work and/or make as much money as your husband will change how you look at the book. I think it also changes how you look at the marriage in general.
For me, Fatchance said it very well and I think brought up a VERY important point about being responsible for your own happiness. If someone is looking to you & dependent on you to make themselves happy, it doesn't matter what you do they will NEVER EVER be satisified or happy. I've learned that first hand. So you could do everything that the book says and it won't work.
By the same token, if you're looking to someone else to make you happy, you'll never be satisfied either because people are human and they're going to fail, AND that's just too big of a responsibility to put on someone else's shoulders. I think when you start to focus on making yourself happy -- not just being selfish and pursueing your interests, but really looking at yourself and making an effort to become someone you like --- then what they do doesn't effect your happiness as much.
So Fatchance summed it up for me -- My take on marriage has always been simple.... be responsible for your own happiness, be each others best friend, and treat each other the way you would want to be treated. The rest will fall into place.
We do everything together. I couldn't imagine leaving on the weekends for hours at a time on a regular basis (I work so all week during the day I don't see my kids or husband) and my husband certainly wouldn't be doing it either. Even now, I'm studying 20 hours a week (most at work but 6-7 on the weekends) and slicing out 3 hours of time by myself is hard.
Maybe it's b/c I work but if my husband walked out the door to play golf more than once in a blue moon, the sh/it storm he'd come home to would make Katrina look like a summer shower.
which was very nice of her, but if he was too busy at work to take off a day to spend with me and the kids he sure as h@ll was not going fishing. I told him, take a day or two off for us then go do what you want. His sister was used to having him to herself, did not liked being told no and had to get use to the kids coming first- turned into a huge ridiculous fight. Really ****ed me off he even considered it. As soon as the kids got old enough to start playing sports our weekends were jam packed getting the 4 of them to the right field :). Neither of us missed a game or a rodeo once they got into horses.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-01-10 12:08 PM
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 Proud to be Deplorable
Posts: 1929
| HotbearLVR - 2014-01-10 8:17 AM
Sounds like you have a good man there rodeomom. Â Smart too. Â He understands "womanese" and knows how to cut to the chase as well.
Womanese is a hard language to master. Â I'd rather have to learn Mandarin Chinese. Â I will say that since being on BHW for the past 7 years I've started to understand womanese better. Â Women are curious creatures, but then again I can't imagine life without them. Â It's a challenge trying to translate the language sometimes, but life wouldn't be very fun without them. Â They are a little like trying to figure out a Rubik's cube. Â
Doc I didn't want to touch this thread.....But could not agree with your statement more.....womanese what a good term LOL. | |
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Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I don't understand womanese. I must be very simple minded. I am a very strong woman, and I don't want to deal with the BS, so I have talk very direct with people and I want that in return. I don't like 'hints' or 'I hope he notices'. This is what I want, in this timeframe. I don't understand why women have to dance around things. Just say it, da*n it. | |
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