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 Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM
I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married?
Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months....
We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband :(
I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. | |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
  
Location: Texas | bocephus's mama - 2014-02-04 7:25 AM skeeter 777 - 2014-02-02 11:33 AM Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!!  One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you??
In the beginning I didn't think my husband and I were going to make it, he was still in bachelor mode and blowing all his money on stupid crap lol. I was fresh out of a bad marriage where I was controled completely, and I was dead set that no body was going to tell me what to do. We did figure it out though, we still have our moments but the world isn't going to end because of them.
When we got together he was adamant that we didn't go to bars. He is not a fighter, I am.. and somehow in highschool he always ended up in fights that I was in that escalated quickly, I am guessing that plays a big role in his "no bars" rule. I don't think it is fair for me to say I am going anyway because that was one of his conditions when we got together, and I wouldn't be real happy if he went out and did something just because I told him no.
I have girls tell me "My boyfriend trusts me, so he won't tell me I can't go to the bar... and if he did I would go anyway." Well that isn't how we work, and if they knew their boyfriend was leaving work early to drive by their job to make sure their car was really there... they probably wouldn't use the "trust" line so much lol.
There are some things I ask my husband about and vice versa, but for the most part we do our own thing and know that the other will be ok with it. If we have doubts, that is when we ask the other. It is not that either of us are asking permission, more that we are asking to make sure we are on the same page.
I also throw him under the bus all the time, I bet people think he is very controling lol, when usually I have to bring him up to speed on what he "told me I couldn't do" when he really never knew anything about it. I just have a hard time telling people no, so it is much easier to do it that way. | |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you do have him figured out though. When you were dating/engaged did you notice that he did not know how to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own.
Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed.
If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels.
I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Good luck. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 9:16 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own. Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do ). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed. If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels. I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Good luck.
No I didn't notice because he offered to help when we were dating, but now he does not offer. Or when he does offer I already have it done (I have a saying for him.. he's like a blister, he shows up after the works done) I know that is mean but it is the truth. When I do ask him to help and try to have enough patience to wait on him to do it (which happens after he has done everything else he wants to do... procrastinating) I write him a specific list of what I want him to do. And its not that I expect this to get done in an hour but I don't expect it to be done 5 days later (which is typical) these are little jobs that can be done in 2-3 hours MAX.
If I were to ask him to write a letter it would not happen because he is very sensitive about his penmanship (his hands shake a lot).
Our counselor has suggested that book and I would love to get it but at this point it would just be me reading it. I did however purchase the Boundaries in Marriage book (suggested from another friend). I purchased it over a year ago and our counselor told us to read this book. We started reading the chapters good but have steadily declined in this as well, first him and then me. I feel as tho if he feels that the relationship is not worth putting work into then I do not either. I can no longer carry the burden for both of us, it has gotten to the point that I am frustrated at work and also frustrated with my horses or anything else that upsets me because of the situation between us. | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 10:01 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 9:16 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own.
Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do ). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed.
If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels.
I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Good luck. No I didn't notice because he offered to help when we were dating, but now he does not offer. Or when he does offer I already have it done (I have a saying for him.. he's like a blister, he shows up after the works done ) I know that is mean but it is the truth. When I do ask him to help and try to have enough patience to wait on him to do it (which happens after he has done everything else he wants to do... procrastinating ) I write him a specific list of what I want him to do. And its not that I expect this to get done in an hour but I don't expect it to be done 5 days later (which is typical ) these are little jobs that can be done in 2-3 hours MAX. If I were to ask him to write a letter it would not happen because he is very sensitive about his penmanship (his hands shake a lot ). Our counselor has suggested that book and I would love to get it but at this point it would just be me reading it. I did however purchase the Boundaries in Marriage book (suggested from another friend ). I purchased it over a year ago and our counselor told us to read this book. We started reading the chapters good but have steadily declined in this as well, first him and then me. I feel as tho if he feels that the relationship is not worth putting work into then I do not either. I can no longer carry the burden for both of us, it has gotten to the point that I am frustrated at work and also frustrated with my horses or anything else that upsets me because of the situation between us.
Your husband sounds like my dad. My parents have somehow been married over 40 years, but it wasn't because it was a good relationship. More like they were both too stubborn to leave. I love my daddy, he's a good man, but he is not easy to live with. Don't look for him to ever change--he showed you his best face to win you, but you're now seeing the real him. Any time he seems to change, it's temporary. It may even last a few years at a time, but he will always revert back. You can learn to live with who he is, or decide it's not worth it. | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | Reading the book alone can still help. It does not need to be read together. Of course it would be great to have him show some initiative and to put forth some effort and he may get to that point but it is just taking him longer or he is struggling privately. I still suggest reading the book. It is a quick read but full of some great insite to how we all feel and show love differently. Is he home alone ever? I would leave the book lying on the bed or somewhere where he can see it and can easily grab it to take a peak. He may just not want to admit that there is a problem in the relationship or that he is too "tough" to read relationship books, etc but behind closed doors he may read it.
Your marriage is still so young. Don't give up on him just yet. You fell in love with him for a reason. Remember as you are leaning how to be a wife he is learning how to be a husband. It sounds like he needs to grow up and mature. Some "men" take longer than others. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 10:34 AM
Reading the book alone can still help....Your marriage is still so young. Don't give up on him just yet. You fell in love with him for a reason. Remember as you are leaning how to be a wife he is learning how to be a husband. It sounds like he needs to grow up and mature. Some "men" take longer than others.
I agree with this. Also, my husband is NOT a reader, and is a procrastinator. He sounds very much like yours, lol. :) he will, however listen if I read aloud. We took a long road trip and I read an entire book to him, it made for good discussion. It is better reading a whole chapter or book than just an excerpt though; less threatening that way. Otherwise I tend to pick the pickiest points, oops! I also once did an organizational/cognitive survey with my husband once when I came home from a work conference. (I wouldn't do this again!!) I thought it was interesting to see the answers and it helped me understand him more, but he was quite threatened by the results. What it showed me though is that he has a very very difficult time prioritizing and with time management - totally makes sense and is frustrating, but as time goes on I think we are both learning to manage it a bit better.
I've learned to take it less personally too, he's not generally upsetting me on purpose...part of it is the way he is wired. Right or wrong. I can choose to love him as he is or try to change him - life is better for all of us if I love him as he is :)
Edited by Ridenrun4745 2014-02-04 10:59 AM
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Nope never was | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all.
I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons. | |
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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I haven't read all the responses word for word, but hugs and prayers to everyone struggling. Everybody, every woman deserves to just be loved. No strings attached :( | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | aggiejudger - 2014-02-04 11:07 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons.
I feel as tho I should try to save the marriage because of his family. I know that is not a good reason but his father is a Baptist minister and I am much more like him in attitude and demeanor than I am my husband. My husband is much more like his mother (with whom I disagree constantly and cannot have a conversation with alone due to her personality). | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol.
Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | My husband is very easy to get along with, he rarely if ever tells me no, let's me take care of all the finances and even though I foster dogs and horses which cost time and money he USUALLY doesn't complain! I can tell him anything and he won't criticize me but he holds me to a high standard and calls me out when I'm being unreasonable... he is continually challenging me to improve myself in a good way and wants what is best for me! He knows I'm terribly stubborn and determined so I think he's learned to let me make my own decisions. I love him and we truly do balance each other out!
I too think it's sad when women are constantly saying I can't do this or that becuase my husband won't let me! I think it's either an excuse or ridiculous! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol. Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change.
Moving away from our family and friends a year after we married was the BEST decision we ever MADE.. it makes you dependant on each other and helps you grow and start your own life! | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:17 AM aggiejudger - 2014-02-04 11:07 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons. I feel as tho I should try to save the marriage because of his family. I know that is not a good reason but his father is a Baptist minister and I am much more like him in attitude and demeanor than I am my husband. My husband is much more like his mother (with whom I disagree constantly and cannot have a conversation with alone due to her personality ).
You're not married to his family and are not obligated to make decisions based on how it would affect them. I had some relationships along the way where I LOVED the guy's family and was sad to lose them or cause them hurt, but they were not a reason to stay in a relationship that needed to end. I'm not a big divorce advocate either, I've always felt that except in cases of abuse or infidelity that everything possible should be tried first. Months of counseling with no change doesn't sound like there is anything here to save. Especially when you said you want kids but can't imagine having them with him. Big big clue right there. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol. Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change.
I would nothing more than to move away from his parents but if I even mention the idea he gives me the most hateful "go to hell" look I have ever seen on his face. So I do not see that happening, and all because he grandfather spent the $ to buy the house just for us (which I do appreciate very much don't get me wrong or call me spoiled). I really don't think his parents are going to be a help to anything because of the issues between his mother and I. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | And yes I have spoken to his dad and he point blank asked me "Do you want to save the marriage" and this was in Oct. and I said yes. He said then lets get you into counseling and that's all that was said. He has asked me several times if I think the counselor is helping or if my husband likes the counselor and I have told him I believe he is giving us good advice and that my husband does not like the counselor. But he has not asked lately so I have not talked to him about it. I am reluctant to tell anyone that I have pretty much decided to leave him because I am afraid for the safety of my pets and horses (my in-laws had their dog put down for no apparent reason while we have been living on the farm which highly upset myself and my sister-in-law). | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:33 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol.
Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change. I would nothing more than to move away from his parents but if I even mention the idea he gives me the most hateful "go to hell" look I have ever seen on his face. So I do not see that happening, and all because he grandfather spent the $ to buy the house just for us (which I do appreciate very much don't get me wrong or call me spoiled ). I really don't think his parents are going to be a help to anything because of the issues between his mother and I.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate the idea of a marriage ending especially when it is just starting out but it really sounds like you are alone in this. Does he know divorce is your next option if nothing changes? Does he fully understand how serious you are and how close he is to losing you? Don't make it a threat but let him know that divorce is your next step. If you have told him everything you have told us on here and he fully understands how unhappy you are and why and still isn't making an effort to change then it is time to sit down and have the "D" talk. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I think that he has an idea that it is but he is in denial about the whole situation. | |
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