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 Wide Darn Open
Posts: 2141
  
| After 13 years of marriage I went through my husbands overnight bag when he got back from a trip to get my camera because I needed it for work and he had taken it with him. I found several things at once that blew my mind. He didn't say I'm sorry, he said that what he did when he wasn't with me was none of my business. I left that day but that may not be the answer for you. It is possible because I left with 5 horses, 3 dogs and $10.00. It was very scary but my biggest advice would be to pray first and seek guidance from family, friends, a pastor, counselor, or anyone you have and once you feel you've gotten a direction go with it even if it's difficult. These girls here on BHW will pray with you and listen...they have been my rock in the past. You can mssg me anytime and I'm praying for you!  |
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  Roan Wonder
 
Location: SW MO | I have no advice only prayers, hugs, a shoulder to lean on & ears to listen |
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 Cyber World Challenged
Posts: 2526
Location: My Own Little World | I haven't read all the posts here but do want to say that you are in my prayers for peace and wisdom. Having had some pretyy bad experience with marriage myself, my greatest decision that helped me the most was to seek out counseling. I went once a week for nearly 2 years and that combined with great friends, got me through it. Now, ten years later, I look back and see that I am better off for the experience; although, at the time I sure didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs and if I can be of any help, just say so. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Hollywood's Fan - 2014-05-07 10:37 AM
Whiteboy - 2014-05-08 9:26 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
The lying is one thing, his attitude about it after he was caught is more disturbing, IMO. He should be doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust. Sounds like he is arrogant about it.Â
He said he isnt going to go pay someone to tell him what he already knows...
That doesn't make any sense but that is what he said. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| ^^ Great advice! |
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 Pork Fat is my Favorite
Posts: 3791
Location: The Oklahoma plains. | I feel really bad for you- I am sorry that you dont feel you can reach out to a friend.
I will agree that ALL marriages are work but there can be FUNDAMENTAL differences in life that if you are not willing to live with them then this may be a sign that your future is elsewhere or with someone else?
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I haven't read any responses, but I think it really depends on the advice you get from what you found in the mail. If it was a student loan bill that you didn't know about, ok, not that big of a deal. If it was the results of a paternity test, then yes, there would need to be some explaination going on. I have no idea what you found, but I think that would depend on a lot of advice you get. |
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I can't give you any other words of advice that haven't already been mentioned but just wanted to let you know that I'm/we're here if you need us.  |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you.Â
He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | He won't talk about it either because he's ashamed, because he's embarassed, or simply because he doesn't want to. The fact that he won't talk to you about it you absolutly cannot change and the more you ask him and beg him to talk to you, the further away you will drive him. KNOW THAT! I'm pulling straws to find out what this could be since it came in the mail. Does he have a loan you didn't know about? Credit card? CHILD? Pen pal? STD? Medical condition? I know you don't want to tell because you are embarassed, and I respect that, but I also know that things I thought were huge deals and super embarassing in my early 20's I wouldn't blink an eye at in my late 30's. As you get older, you learn to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:09 AM Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. Just know you cannot do this alone. You cannot build trust without two people. Set your standards, expectations, deal breakers and dont' bend them. Secrecy is a deal breaker in a marriage.....unless they are buying a horse or horse related item fur us! LOL In all seriousness, just teach him how to treat you, and if he is not willing to treat you that way, move on, because someone would love to appreciate their partner and vice versa. You are very young......this is not the end of the world, I promise you!
Edited by Herbie 2014-05-07 11:16 AM
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Member
Posts: 17
| Herbie - 2014-05-07 11:15 AM
LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:09 AM Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. Just know you cannot do this alone.  You cannot build trust without two people.  Set your standards, expectations, deal breakers and dont' bend them. Secrecy is a deal breaker in a marriage.....unless they are buying a horse or horse related item fur us! LOL In all seriousness, just teach him how to treat you, and if he is not willing to treat you that way, move on, because someone would love to appreciate their partner and vice versa. You are very young......this is not the end of the world, I promise you!
Thank you Herbie for all your adivce. Its appreciated more than you know. Thank you. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:04 AM Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you. He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together.
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2014-05-07 7:40 PM
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 Veteran
Posts: 173
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow | Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances.
Is this the first and only thing? |
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Member
Posts: 17
| BabyJ - 2014-05-07 12:11 PM
Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances.
Is this the first and only thing?
Yes, this is the first thing. But it wasn't just one thing, it was 4 things. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | I also really like the book Tough Love by James Dobson.
ETA: on the other end of the spectrum, The Five Love Languages is another win.
Edited by oija 2014-05-07 12:24 PM
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 12:19 PM BabyJ - 2014-05-07 12:11 PM Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances. Is this the first and only thing? Yes, this is the first thing. But it wasn't just one thing, it was 4 things.
This is probably going to be a turning point in your marriage, and how you handle this will teach him what you are willing to put up with....if it's important enough for you to feel this bad, then he needs to know it's serious and could jeopardize your future together.....
I know when I was your age I was in a bad marriage and I was the one who took my horses and left....I just wasn't willing to put up with crap anymore and it was easier for me to leave.....I did leave the door open for change, but it never happened....
This might be bad advice, take it however, but if the deceit is going to put a big wedge between you and he won't go to counseling or talk to you, then I would take my horses and move out....explain that when he's ready to talk and work things out like a mature adult that you will be there to listen.....if he would let you go over this without trying to work on it, then you deserve better...who wants a lifetime of lies and arrogance towards you and your feelings?....don't waste precious years on him.....good luck!
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 678
Location: Canada | You found four things that hurt and that stinks but as much as most marriages hope (and some certainly are) that there is complete honesty there are somethings that some people just don't share either because it's not relevant or because they don't want to, or because they're embarrassed.
You need to decide how these things affect you and your relationship. Do the things you found affect your health (ie potential STD's)? Does it affect your financial well being (is he doing something that affects YOUR credit score or joint home equity without you knowing)? Is he doing something that affects your social well being (is he doing something illegal)?
If what he's doing doesn't put you in harms way and doesn't affect your health/social/financial life together then think to yourself in 1 year/5 years/10 years will this situation be relevant or am I just mad he has something I didn't know about? If down the road this doesn't affect you (other then you currently being upset) then in the grand scheme of things this is a bump in the road and you'll have a lot more of these as married life, and life in general goes on. If this is the case I'd sit him down and tell him your upset that there are secrets you don't know about and then ask him gently if there is a reason he didn't tell you about it.
I hope you guys are able to talk it out.
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