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Veteran
Posts: 227
 
Location: Heart of Texas | Same problem here. I stuck to my guns and helped him find a hobby. That's helped A LOT. But what's also helped is Church. God does wonderful things. And I read the 7 Love Languages. My hubby felt like he came second to the horses and while he does, shhh, it's still my job as his wife to NOT make him FEEL like it. I try to make him feel loved and just as important as the ponies. Things have gotten better. We'll always struggle but that's marriage. So my advice. God. And read 7 Love Languages. Easy ready. And will really put things into perspective. Good Luck!  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Ridenrun4745 - 2014-12-08 4:54 PM
It definitely takes give and take, and I don't know your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. But, you have a right to be happy too. If horses is what it is, and he knew about it, start getting back into it. Sometimes the anticipation (of being with the horses more ) is the worst part because you both have ideas about what may happen. Be fair and communication openly. Sometimes I assume that my husband will be upset also, when in reality either he isn't upset, or he uses the horses as an excuse when he's really upset about something else.
I've decided that I'm worth it...I think I'm worth being able to do what I want now and then, and the horse time makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. : ) It's taken me a long time and I'm not out there as much as I wish I were, but it's progressing. Give and take... 
^^^This! He could be upset about something else and uses the horses to start the fight. He isnt happy about something so he is going to knock your happiness down. Does he have a hobby? If so, is it split equally? My husband supports my barrel racing during the spring and summer. I have a cut off date each year and then we start hunting in the fall and winter because thats his hobby. We go with each other and spend that quality time with each other. Yes, sometimes I dont want to sit in freezing weather to go swan hunting but Ive realized it just being with each other that counts. If you are going racing on the weekends without him, he may feel left out. Even tho he is your SO, a simple invite to races might change his attitude towards it. |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
 
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | i have a completely different view than you ladies...lol....
but i do agree its more than the horses
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | Without going into too much detail, I can tell you from years of observation and experience, I've learned that "most" men do not do well in a supportive role (maybe in the beginning, but it rarely lasts)...I didn't say all because we've all seen the exceptions....but there are a whole lot of men out there that marry for "mama", and want to be catered to, or to be "daddy", and want to tell you how to live your life....
A famous barrel racer once told me there can only be one star in a marriage, and if it isn't you and your barrel racing (and you value your barrel racing success), you are headed for trouble and misery....I think if anyone wants true success in any given sport, their spouse had better be the type to take a back seat and be the support of the team...I think someone here compared it to a gardener and the flower....thus, the reason I choose to not marry again...in my age bracket, I don't think there are any gardeners, and I refuse to settle for anything less....jmo....
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Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | very very well said cindy........
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Member
Posts: 23
| Wow, thank you for so many responses! I'll try to recap everything.
Yes, he has a hobby, so he's tinkering in the garage plenty in nice weather. He does some car racing also, so he gets the competitive part. We do not have children together, but do have one step child that he brought to the marriage.
After reading this all and thinking, you've hit nail on the head. It's not the horses. That's an excuse. It's something else. Probably multiple things. Our relationship is seriously lacking communication. We don't talk. I used to try, but feel rushed and like my info isn't important, so I've shut down and just don't talk. Period. He isn't much better. This is negative all the way around and I know that.
There are many other little personal things that add up to all this, so at this point, we need to get to bottom of it and heal or move on. I'm so entirely sick of beating the dead horse on same topics..
And I won't give up riding or horses. I pray he doesn't ever give ultimatum, because I know my answer. |
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Member
Posts: 23
| To the people who say dump and run... I've considered that too. But if I do that and when I quit running and look back, can I say I gave it my all and truly tried? Nope.
It's important to me to know if I become a statistic of the big d, that I tried and did not just easy out. I've done so many things "wrong" in life, I'd like to knowi did the best I can on something this big. |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage.
Lulu u R awesome! |
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Member
Posts: 23
| Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal?
I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple |
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | When Hubby #2 and I were dating he came be bopping out to the barn and started in on me about something and the horses came up.
I am a very non confrontational person but let me tell you, I came unglued on him. I told him in no uncertain terms that when it comes to the horses it is my way or the highway.
He must have gotten the message because he is still around. He even proposed to me in the barn and dropped the ring in the barn dirt.
If your man is shifting 'blame' your direction, there is definetly an issue.
Edited by kasaj2000 2014-12-09 9:25 PM
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8699
Location: the end of the rainbow | euchee - 2014-12-08 5:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
This. In 23 years the only time my husband has had a problem with my horses is when he is unhappy with either his work or how his hobby is going. It rarely has anything to do with me or our relationship but because he is unhappy about something he seems to get almost jealous that the horses make me happy. But it took me a long time to figure that out. Now if he says anything negative about the horses I buy him some camera equipment and make an effort to spend at least 1 or 2 weekends a month doing something he likes (hiking or whatever). It's not really a sacrifice as we enjoy a lot of the same thing (except horses). He does the hobbies I'm not into (mostly video games) when I'm riding. |
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 Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty
Posts: 20917
Location: LouLouVille, OK | So he didn't have, never had and still doesn't have horses of his own... correct?
They will never get it... they have to be the center of attention most of the time and horses take up your time... they can't deal with it.
I swore after my divorce that I would never even date let alone marry a man that didn't own horses himself.
In fact if a man so much as said, I love horses but Ive never owned um, I ran! lol
Your not saying he is a bad person but he just probably isn't the right person for you... you had the horses going into it and have made sacrifices and it's still not working... Life is way to short to settle and not be happy...
you shouldn't have to explain to him on a daily basis or justify yourself.. he knew you going into it... |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
I look at my marriage as a job that I enjoy. So if you enjoy it, the work is more of an investment into your relationship and your spouse. The friendships don't seem like work because you only do things together or talk on the phone when it is mutually convenient. Marriage takes the convenience out of the equation, which makes it seem like more work than a friendship.
So is marriage work? Yes. But then again, I think that all things we value and hold dear have taken blood, sweat, and tears to get. |
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 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | Because you don't sleep with your friends!! whole different kinda love and emotions....JMHO |
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 Lady Di
Posts: 21556
Location: Oklahoma | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM
Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal?
I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
IMO, the answer to this is that REAL love doesn't just happen. Lust happens, but we all know that it can die pretty quickly. Love is a choice. It's choosing to love another person even when they are unlovable. Without you having your own children, it's hard to describe. When you choose to love someone, you want them to be the very best they can be and you want to help them be, and even if they never get there, you still love them, no matter what. You don't want to change them; you want to love them with all their faults. By the same token, you want them to love you the same way.....with all your faults, including horses, if that's one of them. For the one who said the horses really do come ahead of her husband, I feel for you....if God saw fit to take every one of my horses, I would certainly be sad, but there's always another horse. If God saw fit to take my husband, I don't know if I could survive. As irritating as he can be, I love everything that he is, and I believe he loves me the same way. I KNOW I am unlovable a lot of the time, but he usually just grins and knows that the next minute, I won't be like that. I waited until I was 37 for a love like that, and although he's not perfect, and we've certainly had our rough patches, I know that I would have a very hard time (if not impossible time) living without him or replacing him. I can always replace a horse. JMO
Edited by dianeguinn 2014-12-10 10:35 AM
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | dianeguinn - 2014-12-10 10:33 AM troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple IMO, the answer to this is that REAL love doesn't just happen. Lust happens, but we all know that it can die pretty quickly. Love is a choice. It's choosing to love another person even when they are unlovable. Without you having your own children, it's hard to describe. When you choose to love someone, you want them to be the very best they can be and you want to help them be, and even if they never get there, you still love them, no matter what. You don't want to change them; you want to love them with all their faults. By the same token, you want them to love you the same way.....with all your faults, including horses, if that's one of them. For the one who said the horses really do come ahead of her husband, I feel for you....if God saw fit to take every one of my horses, I would certainly be sad, but there's always another horse. If God saw fit to take my husband, I don't know if I could survive. As irritating as he can be, I love everything that he is, and I believe he loves me the same way. I KNOW I am unlovable a lot of the time, but he usually just grins and knows that the next minute, I won't be like that. I waited until I was 37 for a love like that, and although he's not perfect, and we've certainly had our rough patches, I know that I would have a very hard time living without him or replacing him. I can always replace a horse. JMO
This ^^^^
Love is most certainly a choice. And honestly, it's a choice you should WANT to make over and over again, even when times are tough. |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 10:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
you can have a happy marriage and horses if thats what you both want. if you only want horses or would only pick horses then he probably is feeling very insignificant knowing you feel that way.
I once felt as you did... but it was hard on my marriage. when i chose my husband and made him feel like i needed him the most.... i got to enjoy my horses more than i ever thought possible. he made that his priority to allow me that luxury because he wanted to make me happy. it was a win win (and one of the best decisions i could have made in a life time of making bad ones)
and douglas.... i get that alot! bahahaha |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Douglas J Gordon - 2014-12-09 8:50 PM luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage. Lulu u R awesome!
agree. this is excellent advice! |
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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | I haven't read all the responses but this is my take on it. If my husband told me it was him or Vinny I would put Vinny in the trailer, hook it up to my truck, load all my stuff and I would gone. Horses come and go but Vinny means more to me than that. Now, people will say what about your husband...if he truly truly loved me for all that I am, he would never ask me to get rid of any of my horses. He tried it once and he got an answer he didn't like and it hasn't happened again. I'm not an easy person to love and get along with, I know my husband puts up with a lot but asking me to get rid of one of the only things that makes me happy in life would show me that my husband really doesn't understand me. I would never ask him to get rid of or stop doing the things he loves so why would I ever? |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 10:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
My marriage isn't work. I'm at work for 10 hours a day, I don't want to "work" when I get home. That doesn't mean that we just let each other do whatever, but I never understood why someone says they have to work at their relationship either. That sounds terrible. I'd avoid it too if it was work. |
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