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 Veteran
Posts: 292
 
Location: Northeast Nebraska |
Run away. Now. Fast and far. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 242
| I agree, from first hand experience for years! It doesn't change, you will just get use to it! There's Too many men out there without baggage to put up with an ex wife and two kids whom she may use against you in the future. It sounds like she is that type if he's fearful he won't talk to his kids if he doesn't pay the cell phone bill. Most woman would pay it with the child support or deduct it!!
Edited by abuffalo27 2015-02-24 8:52 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 350
| You really need to RUN Fast and Hard away! Listen to your gut on this....there are plenty of good men out there just take your time and find one without all the baggage. You will find someone else and when you do, you will think back to this relationship and you will be so thankful you didnt "settle" for this guy and all the troubles that come with him. Its hard enough making it without starting out with all that trouble. I think your reactions are pretty normal and trust me the resentment will only grow over time. Please run away for your sake. You deserve better. Good luck | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| rodeodelux - 2015-02-24 7:51 AM
I had a wonderful step mom!! And she is a even better grandmother to my kids and my brothers kids!! I wish my mom and her could of gotten along, it would of been a lot easier on us back then. But it was what it was. My dad has been gone for 11 years now, and she has a boyfriend who knows we are still her step kids and step grandkids. I just wanted to let you know some kids do love their step moms!!
I had great step kids and also got along great with their mother. Their father is a psycho monster and we are divorced but I still keep in touch with the kids and their mom. I miss them and am very thankful I had the opportunity to know them. | |
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boon
Posts: 2
| cheryl makofka - 2015-02-24 4:40 PM
I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ;)
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens :) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 974
Location: USA | I've been in your situation. It's not fun. If she's being hateful now, just wait till you're engaged and married (if it came to that) then the real fun will start. Note sarcasm here. I grew up with AWFUL and abusive step parents in more ways than one and would never treat my stepson that way. I love my husband and adore my step child, but if I had to do it again I wouldnt. To say it's hard is an understatement. And my husband is truly a wonderful man and father. My stepson is 7 and is great; he's funny and smart and goes with the flow. It's the mom that's a pain. She feeds him (stepson) such BS and is so vindictive. Gets him whatever he wants so she doesn't have to deal with him. Uses him as a pawn in the game called life. It's horrible. But anywho, back to the topic at hand. I know it's hard when you love someone to walk away. But seriously think about it. I doubt you'll find many stepmoms who'd willingly do it all over again regardless of how great the hubby or kiddos are. It's just always a difficult situation. Do what's best for YOU. | |
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| Actually Cheryl Makofka is not rude or snarky, she is just direct. That is what you get and what you should expect from posting on an open forum. (Believe me there has been much, much worse expressed here before.). When you say you want advice and all perspectives hers is just another perspective. it does seem, to me, that you are awfully early in the relationship to be fussing about something. That is probably a red flag. However I have not been in your position and it is very hard to get the whole situation in just a few paragraphs.
Good luck. | |
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 Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | I am just going to put a few things out there for you to think about concerning relationships.
He sounds like a great guy and you sound like a really good girl.
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
You have only been dating him for 5 months so I think you kind of prematurely allowed him to move in with you. He should of got his own place for him and his children. I hope he is paying you rent.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ;)
Now you are in the position of giving him a place to live, a wife, and stepmom with no ring, marrige kind of the old saying why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
He is 33. He knows what he is doing.
He most certainly should be paying you rent, split the bills such as electric, food, cable, etc etc etc.
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens :) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over.
I encourage the two of you to sit down and have a heart to heart about life goals and how you will go about acheiving them.
276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
WORK
1. Are you working on your chosen field?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)
4. What is your dream job?
5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
7. Have you ever been fired?
8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
HOME
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?
13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?
14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?
16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
20. What is your annual income?
21. Do you pay alimony or child support?
22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person's salary?
25. Who should handle the finances in your family?
26. Do you have significant debts?
27. Do you gamble?
28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?
29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?
30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you?re on a tight budget?
31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?
32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
RELATIONSHIP HISTORY
33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?
34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?
36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?
37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you?re not proud of?
36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?
39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?
41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?
42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn?t go through with the wedding?
43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?
44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?
SEX
45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.
46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?
50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?
51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to ?keep the peace?? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to ?keep the peace??
52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
54. How often do you need or expect sex?
55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
HEALTH
57. How would you describe the current state of your health?
58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?
60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?
61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?
62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?
63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?
64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?
65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?
67. Do you take medication?
68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
P.. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
70. Do you see a therapist?
71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?
72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?
73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?
74. Do you use recreational drugs?
75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
APPEARANCE
77. How important is it that you always look your best?
78. How important is your spouse?s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical ?type??
70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?
80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse?s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?
84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?
85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or ?chemistry? ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
PARENTHOOD
86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?
90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?
91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?
92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?
94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child?s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?
96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
97. How would you handle it if you didn?t like your child?s friends?
98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
99. How would you handle it if you didn't like your child's friends?
100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?
101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it?s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
EXTENDED FAMILIES
103. Are you close to your family?
104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past?the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other?s families?
106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
FRIENDS
FRIENDS
111. Do you have a ?best friend??
112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?
113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?
115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
PETS
119. Are you an animal lover?
120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?
121. Is your attitude ?Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]??
122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?
123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?
124. Do you consider pets members of your family?
125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner?s relationship with a pet?
126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
POLITICS
127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?
128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?
130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?
131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women?s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
COMMUNITY
134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?
137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?
CHARITY
140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?
142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the ?haves? of the world to help the ?have-nots??
143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MILITARY
144. Have you served in the military?
145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?
146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?
147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?
148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
THE LAW
149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
156. Do you believe it?s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?
157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MEDIA
158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?
159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
RELIGION
162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?
166. Do you believe in life after death?
167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?
169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?
170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?
173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
CULTURE
174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?
175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?
176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it's because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)
177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?
178. What is your favorite style of music?
179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?
180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?
181. Do you like to dance?
182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?
183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
LEISURE
184. What is your idea of a fun day?
185. Do you have a hobby that?s important to you?
186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?
187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?
168. What activities do you enjoy that don?t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?
189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?
190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you?ll do something wrong or people won?t have a good time?
193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?
194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?
195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?
196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?
197. Are you usually the ?life of the party," or do you dislike being singled out for attention?
198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other?s behavior at a social function?
199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS
286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
TRAVEL / VACATIONS
204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?
205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?
206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?
207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it's wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?
206. Do you think it's important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?
209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
EDUCATION
210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?
211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?
212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn?t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
TRANSPORTATION
215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?
216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your ?castle??
217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?
218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?
219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?
220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
COMMUNICATION
223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?
225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?
226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?
227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?
228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?
229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MEALTIME
230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?
231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?
233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
GENDER ROLE
237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by ?equality.?
340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?
242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?
RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES
243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?
245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?
247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren?t born biased, we learn it, and it?s important to trace where it was learned.)
248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?
249. What were your family?s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
LIVING EVERY DAY
252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?
254 Are you a physically affectionate person?
255. What is your favorite season of the year?
256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?
256. How much sleep do you need every night?
260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you?re really angry?
263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
265. What makes you most secure?
266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?
267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?
268. What is your greatest limitation?
269. What is your greatest strength?
270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?
271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?
272. What makes you most afraid?
273. What drains you of your joy and passion?
274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?
276. What makes you feel the most alive?
Edited by candyloveshorses 2015-02-25 8:06 AM
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | To those of you saying it's none of her business until she marries him... well, by then it's too late! I understand that he needs to take care of his kids etc and as of right now them just dating, she really has no say but if they get serious about marrying, it will be a HUGE issue. I'd say things likely won't change so if this really bothers you, I'd walk away but better to work this out now or decide if you can live with it then when it's too late! I know myself and I could NOT handle it that is for sure! | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Lost1 - 2015-02-24 11:41 PM
cheryl makofka - 2015-02-24 4:40 PM
I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ; )
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens : ) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me ) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over.
Okay, well, this reply does add a little light to your thoughts. However, as someone who had a rough decade during my 20s, let me say this:
If he's so financially well off as to offer to let you quit your job, building housing, arenas, etc, etc, TWO things need to happen
1. He needs to get his own place to live. Those boys do NOT need a secondary mother figure until you are more deeply involved. 5 months just doesn't do it. 5 months of nearly daily interaction, my husband and I hadn't even said the 'official boyfriend/girlfriend' words, much less the 'I love you' mess. Give him the boot to his own place. Stop changing your life for a man. Small adjustments can be made for someone worthy, but major life changes are just not healthy. At all.
2. Make sure his money is where his mouth is. I'm not saying let him buy you these things, please don't! (Unless you're well into a lovely and organized marriage). You absolutely must find out if he's just telling you the 'I'll buy you this, and this, and this", in order to keep you hearing what you want to hear and making him feel good about himself. It's empowering to give big gifts, or even talk about them, especially if he's feeling a bit held under by his ex.
Please just make sure you're not under an evil spell. Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath. Stop praising a boyfriend, especially such a new one with so much chaos. Praise him after he's moved into his own home, has designed a stable life for his children, settles up with his ex, and can give you the time and attention you deserve. If he really wants to be in your life, he will be, even if you decide to keep living your life. Don't stop living your life, because if the relationship fizzles, you'll hate yourself. Make yourself the priority, not him or his kids. He needs to take care of his life and HIS children!! It's great to be supportive, and talk regularly on the phone, and see each other often, but giving up your life just ain't it. I have done it!!! I know!!
Make barriers, stand strong. Don't spend all weekend with the kids. Spend Sunday morning for breakfast. Do your own thing while they get their family figured out. I don't think you should run, but I think you should take a BIG step back and understand that white knights are usually pretty smudged up underneath. My white knight needed a THOROUGH cleaning, and while I still love him, and have forgiven him, and married him in the end, I'm still realistic about people. Sounds like your man is balancing a lot, which is hard work, and telling people what they want to hear can snowball. I would give him some room and see how much soap and water you're going to need to bring to the party.
Just remember, NOTHING is ever what it seems. Ask him to get his own place, and give you some room from the dramatic ex situation. Reassure him you want to be with him, but that you want it to last and the way things are right now, they probably won't. If he's feeling a lot of pressure to keep you, juggle the ex, work, life, kids, he'll probably appreciate it. If he freaks, then you'll know what his true colors are.
Just remember your worth, and be very careful in giving your precious life moments and time away to someone that might just be balancing too much. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Thank you Classicpotatochip for the life lesson quote of the year:
"Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath"
So true...so true. And at the 5 month mark we seldom have that Holy water handy. We are usually still living on butterflies and rainbows like it or not.
OP... I find it odd that this guy had a roommate... and when that went south he moved in with you rather than getting his own place? If he has the financial resources to convince you he has big plans for building arena's and being your sugar daddy...WHY then does he need to live with anyone? That seems odd and not the best situation for his kids either.
You are a braver girl than I am. I wouldn't get involved with a guy that has kids and an ex wife. That's too much potential drama...and the two of you will never come first. You won't be building a life for the two of you...he already has his life...you will just be fitting into that one if you can. I don't know...I am sure it works well for some. But you are very young and you deserve to be someone's Everything. To have a family of your own...not just fit into someone else's when there will clearly be issues with the EX going forward.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | TrailGirl - 2015-02-25 8:53 AM Thank you Classicpotatochip for the life lesson quote of the year: "Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath" So true...so true. And at the 5 month mark we seldom have that Holy water handy. We are usually still living on butterflies and rainbows like it or not. OP... I find it odd that this guy had a roommate... and when that went south he moved in with you rather than getting his own place? If he has the financial resources to convince you he has big plans for building arena's and being your sugar daddy...WHY then does he need to live with anyone? That seems odd and not the best situation for his kids either. You are a braver girl than I am. I wouldn't get involved with a guy that has kids and an ex wife. That's too much potential drama...and the two of you will never come first. You won't be building a life for the two of you...he already has his life...you will just be fitting into that one if you can. I don't know...I am sure it works well for some. But you are very young and you deserve to be someone's Everything. To have a family of your own...not just fit into someone else's when there will clearly be issues with the EX going forward.
BIG ditto! He needs his own place so when his kids come to visit, they're not forced to be around you. I don't mean that in a rude way, but kids don't always want to have to be around the step-parent. My parents split when I was about 9 or so, and we ended up living with my dad. My mom quickly moved in a with another man, so everytime we saw my mom, we had to be around him too. He was a super jealous person and would get really ****y and feel left out if we ever wanted to spend time with just our mom and not him. It was REALLY annoying.
I guarantee you that if you start trying to tell him what to do with HIS money, and he stands up to the ex, she WILL automatically know you're putting him up to it, and will resent you even more.
Pretty much the only control you have is the rules of your house (no jumping on furniture, no playing ball in the house, etc.). Other than that, you don't get to make up rules about what he does with his kids, and what he spends his money on....assuming he's pulling his weight with the bills.
I still think there are way too many red flags because you're not really ok with his relationship with his ex, and if you can't convince yourself to stay out of it, I don't see this being a very healthy relationship. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| If he has those kind of resources, why is he living with her and why is she complaining about phone bills? It's not a jealous or an reasoning problem, it's a control problem.
You're probably my friend on here, but I'm telling you how this looks. | |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | It's not worth it, move on or you will ruin your life! | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | why does he not have a place of his own and he lives with you ? | |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | RidenFly - 2015-02-25 10:00 AM If he has those kind of resources, why is he living with her and why is she complaining about phone bills? It's not a jealous or an reasoning problem, it's a control problem.
You're probably my friend on here, but I'm telling you how this looks.
There is a reason for judges orders regarding cohabitation...
If he's living with you and has the resources that you claim that he has, then there is a huge red flag. The fact that you are already living together is another strike... If my children were having to be dropped off at my ex's new girlfriends house where she lives with her mother, I would have a problem with it too.
Obviously we only know what you have shared, but have you considered that her low paying job might allow her more time with her kids? As long as the kids are being cared for it's no ones business how she spends her money. In her situation I would be extremely resentful of you and your position in my children's lives. You are 26 and have moved into a place of influence in the lives of young impressionable human beings. | |
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I am a Freak
Posts: 3326
Location: Nowhere Special | Run....Run now.... Run Far... Run Fast!! And I don't say this lightly! I was almost ready to ask if you were dating my ex except he had a little girl and not two boys (that I know of) On the outside for the first year he behaved just like yours, so sweet, thoughtful, "TALKED" of big plans, kept asking me to quit my job and let him take care of me.. Blah, blah, blah... He also lived with me! His ex wife drug him around by the nose and controlled him like a whipping boy, use to drive me crazy but being raised by a single mom I was ALWAYS very supportive of him paying his child support, pitching in extra on other stuff, trying to be reasonabile about things.. I tried to encourage him to spend time with his daughter (whom by the was was satan spawn.. I like kids, kids like me, this child was evil) I tried to discourage him being disneyland dad and buying gifts that were way over his daughters level (laptop, PS3 for her 2nd birthday) it wasn't the amount of money I just knew the gifts were a list from Mom that her older brother wanted.. Because you would have a PSP player and then a coloring book, laptop with windows 7 and then a stuffed pink bear, motorcycle (big one) and then a swing set. It was obvious what she wanted and then there was what the family wanted.. But when I tried to steer him in the right direction I was jelous.. go figure.. Any way, he ended up not at all being the prince charming he started out as and when his true colors shown thru he was a complete loser that could not even take care of himself. To this day he still lives like a frat boy in a crap apartment, sparsley furnished with a roommate and all he cares about is "looking the look" but has nothing to back it up..
I now understand why his ex wife acted the way she did.. He couldn't let go, still hasn't, and by keeping little things together he gets to keep his finger in the door so to speak.. I sure hope yours turns out better then mine did, but keep your eyes open and feet on the floor.. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1062
Location: Probably On the Road to the Next Barrel Race! | GoGaited - 2015-02-24 5:08 PM Run away. Now. Fast and far.
what she said. Run away fast, and far, If you don't like this, it's not going to change. Find someone else. Don't say we didn't warn you. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 288
| Having been in your shoes and living in step family hell, there are so many red flags and you should really listen to everyone on this bored. With the exception of Cheryl, who's response went beyond direct to rude and frankly, as a longtime step mother, I am insulted by it. I do agree with her point though that we all have and that is to leave. But you won't. He is doing a bait and switch that you will see in hindsight someday.
I really find it insulting when the sole responsibility for the man's poor behavior, ex wife's *****iness and jealousy, and the kids atrocious behavior falls on the shoulders of the new woman who usually wants nothing more than for this new family type unit to be successful. It's frankly repulsive to me that is the mainstream memtality of society.
I won't go on, it's a subject I feel to strongly about to be nice.
Good luck. Don't believe his cinderella story BS I promise you it's an act, and if you stay do not be a doormat for her and her children. It's UNfun. Trust me. | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I wrote a bunch and changed my mind. You are being both reasonable and jealous. Given the history he has with the other woman, it doesn't matter what she does or what he pays her, she will be in the wrong in your eyes. I doubt you've heard much good about her from him. And then, if you chime in, it's an argument because he once cared for her.
However, from a dating standpoint:
- At 33, he needs to have his own house and be more financially secure to consider a long-term relationship with.
- After 5 months of dating, the kids should not know you. (As a mom, I can assure you I would not be pleasant if I was the other woman and my ex was introducing my kids to women who were most likely just a ship passing through.)
- At 5 months of dating, you should know somewhat of his financial standing--as in approximate income and his debt load--if you are considering something permanent. As far as what he pays and how much, this stage is too soon to know this.
Bottom line -- You pick a guy with kids, you get the baggage of an ex (unless she's deceased). And if you don't want to deal with the ex, move along. I would move along. I don't care how great he seems. Either she or he got tired of the other's crap. I wouldn't want the constant drama and headache for the rest of my life. | |
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