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 Popped
Posts: 20421
 
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | i havnt read any replies.
get in a fight... a big one. call the cops. put that on his record. that along with the prior removal of him before the baby was born should be all the ammo you need. then pick up and move home with your family. let a lawyer ( a good one ) sort it out from there.
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Veteran
Posts: 225
Location: Montgomery TX | Ask your attorney to put in the papers that you can move back to your home state where you have family, that's what I did and the judge approved it. So don't freak out too much about that, I know its scary - especially with him being military with the possiblity of numerous moves in his future.
My heart goes out to you, i've been in your situation, where you're away from family and friends and it all goes really really bad. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
 
Location: N Texas | If your daughter were dating a man like her father, what would you tell her? |
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  Ms. Marine
Posts: 4627
Location: Texas | First off, sorry you're going through this. Second, forgive me for being brutally honest but I think you can handle it and need to hear it.
The speed of your relationship progressing I don't believe is the cause. I was with my husband for 8 months before we were married and we are going on four years and we are happier than we were in the very beginning. He has been lying to you from the very beginning and I find it hard to believe that you didn't somehow sense something wasn't quite right. Staying with a man after he did something that should be unforgivable simply because you're pregnant with his child shouldn't even be a thing. You HAVE to do what's best for the child, and he obviously wasn't invested from the very get go. You forgave him a second time for the same thing, so now he knows that he can just walk all over you and manipulate you. He has gotten physically violent with you, he WILL do the same with you child. I've seen it time and time again (law enforcement). He may tell you he's so sorry and won't do it again, but he will which he's proven already with the cheating. He's not going to get custody of your child. You have proof that he's unstable and doesn't contribute. Make sure you're documenting these things. Your next step should be to kick his hiney out and get divorce paperwork started. If you feel uneasy, get a lawyer. As far as moving before you're divorced, I believe that depends on what state you're from in regards to the child. You don't deserve to be treated as an option. Get out of that toxic relationship for your sake and your child's. |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8552
Location: sunny california | Any chance he is such an @$$ that his parents really do not like him? I mean maybe they care more about a grandchild than the spoiled little A hole they raised. If my son pulled that crap I would tell him to shut up and let the kid get raised right then i would go visiting as much as I could! |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Lawyer is your first step. Like everyone said, document EVERYTHING. From app on the phone with the ex, the sleepover, dirty house, not feeding animals, etc. . . My ex was abusive and was having an affair. He was also an alcoholic. Chandler was 8, and Chris threatened me with taking my baby from me. He said he would do anything needed to hurt me, and he said he could bring me and my parents to our knees by taking Chandler. I was doing nothing wrong (no men, no drugs, didn't drink) but I was terrified he would make up lies and get Chandler. I am an AK amputee, and I take one medicine daily for the nerve damage. He told his lawyer I stayed drugged out and never got off the couch. I cannot make you know how terrified my parents and I were. He had 4 DWIs so it was documented he drank and drove. This helped us get supervised visitation; he had to be at his mother's to see Chandler and could not leave with him. Nor could the other woman be there. But I was still scared so when we went to court, I paid him thousands of dollars and took ALL of the debt from our marriage. I got our house, but there was plenty still owed on it. Looking back now, I was such a total idiot----I had a horrible lawyer and he couldn't have taken my child. But Chandler is my world, and I would have given Chris every penny I had and pecked crap with the chickens before I took a chance he could have got Chandler. My baby turned 18 in March, 2 days after Chris died from drinking himself to death. We had basically made peace by that time. I know how scared you are for your baby---get a GOOD lawyer and keep every tiny piece of evidence showing what he's done and/or is doing. Good luck and many many prayers and hugs. Sorry for the book, but your story touched a chord with me. . . Please PM me if you ever want to talk. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Chandler's Mom - 2016-10-19 2:23 AM Lawyer is your first step. Like everyone said, document EVERYTHING. From app on the phone with the ex, the sleepover, dirty house, not feeding animals, etc. . . My ex was abusive and was having an affair. He was also an alcoholic. Chandler was 8, and Chris threatened me with taking my baby from me. He said he would do anything needed to hurt me, and he said he could bring me and my parents to our knees by taking Chandler. I was doing nothing wrong (no men, no drugs, didn't drink) but I was terrified he would make up lies and get Chandler. I am an AK amputee, and I take one medicine daily for the nerve damage. He told his lawyer I stayed drugged out and never got off the couch. I cannot make you know how terrified my parents and I were. He had 4 DWIs so it was documented he drank and drove. This helped us get supervised visitation; he had to be at his mother's to see Chandler and could not leave with him. Nor could the other woman be there. But I was still scared so when we went to court, I paid him thousands of dollars and took ALL of the debt from our marriage. I got our house, but there was plenty still owed on it. Looking back now, I was such a total idiot----I had a horrible lawyer and he couldn't have taken my child. But Chandler is my world, and I would have given Chris every penny I had and pecked crap with the chickens before I took a chance he could have got Chandler. My baby turned 18 in March, 2 days after Chris died from drinking himself to death. We had basically made peace by that time. I know how scared you are for your baby---get a GOOD lawyer and keep every tiny piece of evidence showing what he's done and/or is doing. Good luck and many many prayers and hugs. Sorry for the book, but your story touched a chord with me. . . Please PM me if you ever want to talk.
"I would have given Chris every penny I had and pecked crap with the chickens before I took a chance he could have got Chandler."
That made me tear up. I am so so so thankful that I didn't have a child with my POS first husband or that could have been me. Bless you for protecting your child the best you could. |
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| To repeat, get an attorney. Speak to one in your current state. You would be amazed at some of the laws. For example, in MN - if a child is born out of wedlock, the "father" has ZERO rights. Even if he signed the recognition of parentage and/or the birth certificate. It means nothing. He has to go through the courts to obtain right to his children. Again this is in MN.
Speak to multiple attorneys and find one that is familiar with both the military and family law. I would start planning and looking for places to live temporarily. Save enough money for rent and damage deposit. And leave when he isn't home and have him served with divorce papers the same night if you can make it happen. Keep your location a secret until your attorney says you need to reveal it. Protect yourself and baby first and foremost. Maybe arrange to have your horses sent back home until you have less on your plate.
Do NOT stay with him, not even for the baby. A few friends parents did this and their children suffered much more than if their parents had just gotten divorced. He will have a hard time getting custody of that child, do not let him scare your or manipulate you.
Play along to get along - maybe consider counseling for yourself or him if he gets suspicious. You will need to learn to get along most likely. Some parents will walk away from a child but most wont. Expect him to be involved in some way. Counseling is a good way for you two to figure out how to both be parents. |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7543
| luluwhit - 2016-10-18 2:02 PM
i havnt read any replies.
get in a fight... a big one. call the cops. put that on his record. that along with the prior removal of him before the baby was born should be all the ammo you need. then pick up and move home with your family. let a lawyer ( a good one ) sort it out from there.
Please don't do this. Your baby has A LOT to lose if you start a fight and it escalates beyond what he's already shown you. The police have already been involved and I hope there's a record of that event. |
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| Just Plain Lucky - 2016-10-19 11:19 AM luluwhit - 2016-10-18 2:02 PM
i havnt read any replies.
get in a fight... a big one. call the cops. put that on his record. that along with the prior removal of him before the baby was born should be all the ammo you need. then pick up and move home with your family. let a lawyer ( a good one ) sort it out from there.
Please don't do this. Your baby has A LOT to lose if you start a fight and it escalates beyond what he's already shown you. The police have already been involved and I hope there's a record of that event.
Agree. If he has gotten physical with you, I certainly wouldn't go looking for a fight.
And when you tell him your plans for divorce, I would make sure someone else is watching your child.
Edited by WrapN3MN 2016-10-19 11:26 AM
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | There is no way a judge would grant him custody with him being active military. Trust me.
Prayers and higs for you. |
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Thread Killer
Posts: 7543
| WrapN3MN - 2016-10-19 12:25 PM
Just Plain Lucky - 2016-10-19 11:19 AM luluwhit - 2016-10-18 2:02 PM
i havnt read any replies.
get in a fight... a big one. call the cops. put that on his record. that along with the prior removal of him before the baby was born should be all the ammo you need. then pick up and move home with your family. let a lawyer ( a good one ) sort it out from there.
Please don't do this. Your baby has A LOT to lose if you start a fight and it escalates beyond what he's already shown you. The police have already been involved and I hope there's a record of that event.
And when you tell him your plans for divorce, I would make sure someone else is watching your child.
Agreed. Definitely keep the baby away from his wrath. You didn't mention your family's opinion. Do they know about your situation? If so, have someone with you (your parents etc). Don't do it alone. The police may be able to assist (keep him on his best behavior) when you're moving out. |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | I've lived this...and I am so sorry. Just reading your story is tough because it reminds me of that lost, empty, helpless, embarassed 24 year old I was then. I had a three year old and no idea what to do, when I knew that no one would believe how incredibly awful it was...not even my parents.
Find the best attorney you can find that will consult you on your rights and what you should do legally....They generally don't charge for this. Gather all of your financial records and statements for safe keeping. If you feel threatened, have an emergency protective order filed. Document EVERYTHING. Take pictures of all of your possessions. Record conversations if necessary. Understand that you have the power to change your circumstances and your life...Do not accept that this is how it's going to be or that you will even consider raising your daughter with a man like this. They don't change! It's been 11 years now since I left and that man hasn't changed a bit. He just uses his narcissism on our daughter now to manipulate her into believing he cares.
You aren't the first to make this mistake, and you won't be the last. You've gotten some good advice on this thread....sort through the silly parts and handle this with dignity. My prayers are with you and your daughter. |
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Regular
Posts: 65
| I don't even need to read your whole post....GET OUT...be smart about it, get a plan together and I'm sure you have family and friends who will help where needed. Would you want your child to grow up and be in a relationship with someone like that...absolutely NOT, think of what kind of example you will be setting if you stay. He has no regard for your feelings and he showed you that by continuing to speak to her after he begged you for forgiveness....
I got married young and quickly and 3 months after we were married his true colors came out and I left. I loved him, but I knew I could never have kids with this person...it was hard and it will be hard for you and your child....but it won't always be hard...Stay Strong and make a better life for your kid...Good Luck and I'm so sorry. |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| Consult with a licensed attorney who is familiar with military divorces. If you are stationed away, where you file might depend on what jurisdiction is listed as your "home" state with the military. There is alot of advice on military.com |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | It took me 15 years to realize who I was married to this last time. There's no guarantees just because you wait. You look at all the marriages that lasted through WW2 where they knew each other a couple days in some cases and they stayed married 50 years. I've seen couples break up that knew each other for a long time before they married. Life is too short & there are no guarantees - do what is best for your mental sanity, physical health , and the mental health of your child long term. Be smart about it and plan it. You can do it. You just have to wake up every morning and tell yourself you can. |
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Ms. Marine
Posts: 4627
Location: Texas | IRunOnFaith - 2016-10-19 9:31 AM
There is no way a judge would grant him custody with him being active military. Trust me.
Prayers and higs for you.
This is true. Single parents have to sign their custody rights away during the enlistment process so no judge would award him custody of your child. Active military are deemed "too unstable" to have sole custody since there's a chance of deployment, PCS, etc. |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Three 4 Luck - 2016-10-19 10:49 AM
Chandler's Mom - 2016-10-19 2:23 AM Lawyer is your first step. Like everyone said, document EVERYTHING. From app on the phone with the ex, the sleepover, dirty house, not feeding animals, etc. . . My ex was abusive and was having an affair. He was also an alcoholic. Chandler was 8, and Chris threatened me with taking my baby from me. He said he would do anything needed to hurt me, and he said he could bring me and my parents to our knees by taking Chandler. I was doing nothing wrong (no men, no drugs, didn't drink) but I was terrified he would make up lies and get Chandler. I am an AK amputee, and I take one medicine daily for the nerve damage. He told his lawyer I stayed drugged out and never got off the couch. I cannot make you know how terrified my parents and I were. He had 4 DWIs so it was documented he drank and drove. This helped us get supervised visitation; he had to be at his mother's to see Chandler and could not leave with him. Nor could the other woman be there. But I was still scared so when we went to court, I paid him thousands of dollars and took ALL of the debt from our marriage. I got our house, but there was plenty still owed on it. Looking back now, I was such a total idiot----I had a horrible lawyer and he couldn't have taken my child. But Chandler is my world, and I would have given Chris every penny I had and pecked crap with the chickens before I took a chance he could have got Chandler. My baby turned 18 in March, 2 days after Chris died from drinking himself to death. We had basically made peace by that time. I know how scared you are for your baby---get a GOOD lawyer and keep every tiny piece of evidence showing what he's done and/or is doing. Good luck and many many prayers and hugs. Sorry for the book, but your story touched a chord with me. . . Please PM me if you ever want to talk.
"I would have given Chris every penny I had and pecked crap with the chickens before I took a chance he could have got Chandler."
That made me tear up. I am so so so thankful that I didn't have a child with my POS first husband or that could have been me. Bless you for protecting your child the best you could.
Thank you for your kindness T4L---it's very hard to relive all this. And I want to say that Chris wasn't always this way---he was a wonderful daddy when Chandler was born. Took him on the fish ponds so I could sleep some or work on tax returns at home. But he changed and Chandler was my priority. I miss MY Chris, but that man was gone years before he actually passed away. However, I owe him so much because he gave me the greatest blessing of my life---my most precious son.
My heart breaks for the OP knowing what all is ahead of you. Be strong and just look at your daughter for inspiration to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I saw a sign at a church the other day---"If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Praying for you and your baby each night. |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12838
| You should be able to go to your county attorney to find out what your rights are. They are free. Your husband will probably never be able to get custody especially if you are in another state. You probably need to file for divorce where you are from or you are going to have to run back and forth for court dates which can get expensive. If you called the police when he got violent you have a legal record which is useful for divorce and for child custody. Good move on your part. Dump the chump and move on. Life is too short to be miserable. He has told the other girl he is getting a divorce. Make it happen. |
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Miss Southern Sunshine
Posts: 7427
Location: South Central Florida | Not knowing what state you live in I would suggest that you move near your family and get a job and establish a "life" before he can contest it in any legal way. If you live there already, he can not prevent you from moving away.
As hard as all this is, it is probably not for him. He will bow up and blow hard, but he doesn't sound like he really wants all the care dealing with a baby would involve.
Yet, she has a right to know her father and attempt a relationship through her life, but thats a little farther down the road.
Please don't try to stay and work things out. It is clearly time to go. I will be praying for you in this matter.
Also if you have police records from even 1 call, that may qualify you for some state assistance in divorce and custody legal issues.
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