Peewee212 - 2017-03-14 2:26 PM Thank you. I think it sounds like your doing a great job. And this is why I came to this board hoping at least one person could put it into perspective and make me look at it differently before I talked to my step daughter, and though there were several, I really appreciate your input as another step mom dealing with a sometimes difficult situation. I feel like we're doing the best we can with the situation we've been given.

3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM

So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up.  They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to.  If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married.  Plus more.  And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on. 

Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... 

3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up.  They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to.  If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married.  Plus more.  And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on. 



Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... 

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 3:03 PM This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche. The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet. Yes. I am bitter.

IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones.      Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you. 

I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart!  It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters. 

You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words. 

Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation,  and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.  



My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you. 

3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM The oldest kids were 4 when we met.  And went down to age 1.  So, we had time for a bond.  Just didn't happen.  But, to me the biggest thing is - when the mothers take them so the dad's can't visit or have them every other weekend.  This to me is what needs to be the biggest concern in divorce.  (Baring, drugs, alcohol abuse etc., proven by a court system). 



Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up?  If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid. 



Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids.  But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids.  Go with the flow, let her have the socks.  Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time.  Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.   

IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:27 PM So very true!!

My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.

Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids.  If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting.... 

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 1:03 PM


This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche.
The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet.
Yes. I am bitter.

Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 9:56 AM


Wow how sad.

IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 3:27 PM


So very true!!
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids.  If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting.... 

Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-14 4:52 PM I think you have lucky "kids", be they step or biological. Cause you have it figured out----that it's the kids and their feelings and well-being that matter, not the mother or father I do understand that there are kids that cannot be won over or will never give the step parent a chance. But I think that all things considered, they are the exception rather than the rule. I am sorry for the step parents that have those in their lives. . . .

classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 7:45 AM


You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page.

I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out.

It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD.

I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer.


As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here), if she were here full time.

I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing.

Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.

IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 5:04 PM


I completely agree. I don't think there are any rules to be an exception from but I am very glad they are very willing and open children. That has to say something for their Mother and her parenting style. 

Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM


Wow how sad.

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM


You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.

rodeomom3 - 2017-03-14 10:12 PM  Why didn't your husband intervene  and discipline his kids??