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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
 
| Just Plain Lucky - 2018-03-22 5:19 PM
want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 11:22 AM
I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow...
No matter how you decide to deal with your ex and his gf, keep reminding your daughter that NONE of these ADULT problems are her fault.
I truly think she knows that. She's very open and honest with me, we have a very close open door relationship, she knows she can tell me anything. I have a very different style of parenting than her father. She has my complete trust, until she gives me a reason not to.. fathers trust is zero and needs to be earned type. Anyway I took her to her first counseling session today and the woman wanted to speak to both of us, it was really good for us I think... and no, we didn't bash her father... I just sat and listened to my daughter explain how he's making her feel and I confirmed a few things and that was all. I also learned what type of things I need to work on as her mom. I'm glad we got her into this program and I think it's going to be very helpful to her. Regardless of what he thinks. In his mind he thinks she's too young to be having such "emotional problems" like what could possibly be so bad in her life.. which is so unfair and the counselor validated that and assured her that it's ok to be getting help. The thing that made me really realize how damaged their relationship is when she asked the counselor if whst they talk about will ever get back to her dad.. she assured her, it wouldn't unless she felt her life was in danger or in danger of harming someone else. That really seemed to put her at ease. | |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
  
| want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 6:57 PM
Just Plain Lucky - 2018-03-22 5:19 PM
want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 11:22 AM
I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow...
No matter how you decide to deal with your ex and his gf, keep reminding your daughter that NONE of these ADULT problems are her fault.
I truly think she knows that. She's very open and honest with me, we have a very close open door relationship, she knows she can tell me anything. I have a very different style of parenting than her father. She has my complete trust, until she gives me a reason not to.. fathers trust is zero and needs to be earned type. Anyway I took her to her first counseling session today and the woman wanted to speak to both of us, it was really good for us I think... and no, we didn't bash her father... I just sat and listened to my daughter explain how he's making her feel and I confirmed a few things and that was all. I also learned what type of things I need to work on as her mom. I'm glad we got her into this program and I think it's going to be very helpful to her. Regardless of what he thinks. In his mind he thinks she's too young to be having such "emotional problems" like what could possibly be so bad in her life.. which is so unfair and the counselor validated that and assured her that it's ok to be getting help. The thing that made me really realize how damaged their relationship is when she asked the counselor if whst they talk about will ever get back to her dad.. she assured her, it wouldn't unless she felt her life was in danger or in danger of harming someone else. That really seemed to put her at ease.
It's great that you have such a good relationship with your daughter and are getting her some counseling. Your ex's attitude is the one I had to cope with when I was having emotional trouble as a teen.....now I'm picking up the pieces as an adult. It's hard. I wish you all the best - I haven't been posting much but I check on your thread for Jacob almost every day.
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | honestly i don't know how you refrain from telling your ex " look I don't think your girlfriend is a good role model for our daughter; she is weak and allows herself to be treated like $hit and stays with a lieing cheating dirtbag. I would rather our daughter have role models that are strong and know how to make a happy and safe place for themselves in this dog eat dog world" | |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I've told him in the past that I didn't think much of her when she was bad mouthing him to MY mom at baseball games we'd go to, to watch Jacob. She talked so poorly about him to my mom, she finally told her to stop and told her she wasn't the right person to be talking to, then had to block her from Facebook as well. I told him the things she had said about him and the things she had said about jacob. Apparently it didn't bother him. I hate having to deal with this I just want my kids to be happy and healthy and I want my daughter and her father to be able to have a good healthy happy relationship! | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | I didn’t read all the posts here, but it sounds to me like the cat’s already out of the bag. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, so to speak. Your daughter will learn a valuable, albeit painful lesson about bad men from this. I’d be careful not to inject yourself into that relationship that is doomed to fail, lest you become a scapegoat. Your daughter is probably more resilient than you realize and she’s learning something. Some kids grow up to be much better than their parents as a result of their parent’s faults. They observe these things and learn how they don’t want to be as adults.
Negative “role models” can be just as powerful a learning tool as positive ones sometimes. She will learn to recognize douchebag men based on her observations of her father. Both her father and his girlfriend are teaching her this. You can provide valuable guidance in this regard, but be careful not to inject yourself into a relationship that is headed down the drain, lest you become a scapegoat. Lord knows you have enough on your plate as it is. | |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | DO NOT INVOLVE KIDS IN ADULT ISSUES. Period. End of story. The GF needs to know NOW that this is unacceptable. Make it crystal clear that she is under no circumstances to bring anything up to your daughter, and if she brings up ANYTHING to your daughter about her father, immediately call your ex and tell him this has to stop. I'd also block the GF from being able to contact your daughter. She needs to learn what her boundaries are. | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-21 10:25 AM
horsegirl - 2018-03-21 10:14 AM
That's a tough one. I think I'd speak to the girlfriend and just explain that your daughter is going through a lot already and it is not beneficial to speak to the daughter about her father's misdoings. As long as it is a civil conversation, maybe it will help, since she seems to be cognicant of her boundaries a little (she stopped texting when you made comment about it). ????
I've gone back n forth on calling her. Honestly, I do feel a tad sorry for her, I too was on the receiving end of his antics way back when... my own mother had to block her, because she was confiding in her about their relationship as well! My mother, obviously, his ex mother in law, isn't the one to vent to about the guy. I feel like if I tell my ex, he will either get really angry at her and/or my daughter for telling me. I don't have much of a relationship with this woman, we don't talk, like, at all.
Your obligation is to your daughter, NOT the girlfriend. It's not your problem that your ex is treating the gf like crap, if she's choosing to stay with him knowing what he's doing, that's her problem. | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM
I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting.
Does your husband and your ex have that kind of relationship that they can talk calmly and rationally? Unless they actually have mutual respect for one another and can listen to what the other one has to say, then your husband doesn't need to be the one to get involved. As the mother, you are the one who needs to be doing all the communicating. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | oija - 2018-03-22 1:11 PM In Texas, at the age of 12 I think it is that kids are allowed to choose who they live with and how often they want to see either parent. You might see if that's the case where you are at. I can't remember if visitation is still required at that point though. Your daughter may choose to live with you and only see her dad girlfriend free a few times a year or something.
I have seen MANY men go to court here in Texas and get denied to their face from their children for visitation. A friend recently had to file for a protective order because the father got so out of hand.
OP Your husband is a Narcissist. In every sense of the word. It is never their fault. They are always right and they will turn a conversation around to where you need to appologize to them. Those are the type of people we like to refer to as: The crazies.
Hugs to you.
As always a meeting with legal counsel is always free ;) Ask them if there is anything you can do or file in order to keep your daughter safe. He sounds like he is going to be hostile with your daughter when she returns to his house. | |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Bear - 2018-03-23 9:26 AM
I didn’t read all the posts here, but it sounds to me like the cat’s already out of the bag. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, so to speak. Your daughter will learn a valuable, albeit painful lesson about bad men from this. I’d be careful not to inject yourself into that relationship that is doomed to fail, lest you become a scapegoat. Your daughter is probably more resilient than you realize and she’s learning something. Some kids grow up to be much better than their parents as a result of their parent’s faults. They observe these things and learn how they don’t want to be as adults.
Negative “role models” can be just as powerful a learning tool as positive ones sometimes. She will learn to recognize douchebag men based on her observations of her father. Both her father and his girlfriend are teaching her this. You can provide valuable guidance in this regard, but be careful not to inject yourself into a relationship that is headed down the drain, lest you become a scapegoat. Lord knows you have enough on your plate as it is.
I was telling my husband, I cannot believe we are having to deal with this right now. He stopped me and said we aren't dealing with this any more. What needed to be said, was said.. he knows now that we know what's going on, and obviously the gf does too. He knows where we stand. That's the end of it. She's in good counseling now so we just let the counselor do her job and we stay supportive and be there for her like we have been.. but there is no more dealing with him and his gf's BS.. it's finished. He's seriously always been my voice of reason. I've gotten a few texts from the ex in regards the kids schedule since their talk... it's been very cordial, kind of like nothing happened, which bugs me slightly, but I'm taking my husband's advice for now and leaving it be. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 950
Location: MO | This, and I would def talk to them BOTH. That way, nothing can be taken out of context with either of them.
What she is telling your daughter is WRONG. At 13, she has enough of her own drama, but the drama surrounding HER DAD, def doesn't need to be there. That is her dad, and right or wrong whatever it is he is doing, shouldn't be brought up to her. It can only put a wedge between them as father/daughter. So sad.
Edited to add I read further down after I posted. There is already so much damage done, and I can't blame the kid for being angry at him and you being livid. AGain, a sad deal, and all I can offer is prayers.
Edited by Shushi 2018-03-27 11:43 AM
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