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Marriage and infidelity

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stayceem
Reg. May 2007
Posted 2019-07-03 9:08 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Not Afraid to Work


Posts: 4717
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Never your fault... if someone is unhappy and wants to see others, they need to man up and say it. You being distant isnt an excuse. So many people dont want to be along these days that they stack up plan a, b and c and they dont wanna man up for plan a and say they want to see others, divorce, etc because if b or c dont work then they're alone. Ugh its so sad and I keep seeing it over and over. 

I pray you have positive results. I pray you find the strength. Dont stay for the kids... i have a few friends parents who did that and they were impacted pretty negatively. Kids get more than we give them credit for. I pray the guilt does eat away at him. I think finding a counselor is a fantastic idea, you will need someone to talk this through. Counselor and a good attorney would be my first steps. Knowledge is power. 

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Gunner11
Reg. Mar 2011
Posted 2019-07-03 10:01 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Cute Little Imp


Posts: 2747
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As far as "sticking it out for the kids", that's never a good idea. Kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one. My parents separated when I was about 9 or so. I remember being relieved that they decided to split up because the fighting had gotten so bad that we all hated being around it. Kids pick up on stuff and will know that you're miserable and they don't want to live in an environment like that. Their home needs to be their safe place and if there's tension and resentment in the air, it's not healthy for them.

It's easier for kids to adapt to a "new normal" at a younger age than an older one. Waiting till they're 18 isn't good for anyone.

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DashNDustem
Reg. Dec 2010
Posted 2019-07-03 12:15 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Elite Veteran


Posts: 898
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Location: Idaho

lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM

I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:

1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.

2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 

3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.

So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 

It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.

You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 

I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 

I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.

I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 

When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 

I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



Edited by DashNDustem 2019-07-03 12:17 PM
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cindyt
Reg. Dec 2003
Posted 2019-07-03 12:44 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty


Posts: 20904
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I am so sorry you are going through all this at once... that saying when it rains it pours is so true...  Take care of you.  You are wise to not just speak out of emotion but I have to say, IDK how you are doing it... I would have blown a nut already.    Leopards don't change their spots, once a cheater always a cheater.  just know that... the only true way to change his ways is to be brought to his knees through humbling from above... most never get that when they just look for the next flavor of the month.  I was married to a man that cheated... I tried hard to make it work, but he wouldn't quit... and honestly he got worse, so I got out.  Looking back I wish I had just let him go... it was a waste of emotion, effort and time.  Prayers for you girl... its not easy no matter what you choose... 

 

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cindyt
Reg. Dec 2003
Posted 2019-07-03 12:49 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty


Posts: 20904
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Topsey27 - 2019-07-02 7:00 PM


 


I am sure I am somewhat to blame because I've been a little distant lately, I just can't get over his addiction to social media and the fact he falls asleep on the couch every night scrolling through his phone. He doesn't really join in the evening chores, dinner or anything, then gets mad because I don't wake him up when I go to bed. He literally drives down the road scrolling through Facebook, I just don't get it.  One of the reasons I was so angry about him spending time with this woman is that I was shocked he put down his phone for so long.


 


I really appreciate all the responses and support, thank you so much!


dont even try to blame yourself for his bad choices... THIS IS NOT ON YOU... no matter your distance to him, when someone is stuck in their phone, they have put enough distance to drive the other away, this is on him.. The man is "supposed" to be the leader of the house and he has FAILED your house.  

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s_tellar
Reg. May 2019
Posted 2019-07-03 1:39 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity


Member


Posts: 27
25

i am going to disagree with all of the posts that say make it work until your kids are 18, sorry that is ridiculas. That is NO reason to stay together, he cheated on you, you have heath issues, the kids will get over it and will be much happier without you two fighting all the time, its obvious that he is not happy so its time for you to move on and be happy yourself. 

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Firemanswife
Reg. May 2013
Posted 2019-07-03 2:41 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity


Veteran


Posts: 220
100100

So if I read this correctly this is not his first time, just his new piece?  If that is the case he isnt going to stop and is just gonna take advantage of the situation.  In my experience once a cheater always a cheater they just get better at hiding and not making the same mistakes.  I agree with everyone don't stay with him for the babies, yall are going to fight, you are going to be insecure and wonder what he is doing who he is with etc.  That will never go away and when he doesn't answer his phone you will wonder who he is in.  Sorry to be so vulgar but coming from an expirienced scored woman.  Don't drag the inevitable out for years just to figure out in the end you have wasted your precious time just to end up with him doing it over and over when he promises it was a mistake and wont happen again blah blah blah.

 

And to add, don't post anything on social media that you can't take back if you decide to stay and let famli and friends find out things they won't find nearly as easy to forgive and forget as you.  They won't want to look the other way at holidays and family gatherings.  I can not tell you how many times I have seen people blast there partner on facebook for cheating only to see a week later they are back together and in love. SMH



Edited by Firemanswife 2019-07-03 2:45 PM
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want2chase3
Reg. May 2009
Posted 2019-07-03 3:53 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Warrior Mom


Posts: 4400
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Humans arent meant to be monogamous.... I'm sorry but this sounds so silly to me.. what separates us from friggen animals?? Oh sorry honey, it's just not in my DNA to be a faithful spouse, to respect the vows we took in front of God and our families. That just sounds like a lousy excuse to me. I dont give a rip about scientific reasons why people cheat ... in my opinion they cheat because they are cheaters and have zero respect instilled in them for their partners or families. I know what yall are saying, I dont need a science lesson or see proof... My father passed away 12 years ago, tomorrow  to be exact.. my mother and he were high school sweethearts and married young, she, to this day hasn't been with anyone else nor will she ever. She says shes happy just being with family. I realize that shes probably the exception but still... it's just sad to me how disposable marriage is nowadays, divorce is rampant... what's the statistic lately?? Is it over 50% now of marriages will fail?  Infidelity is one thing I'd never forgive and forget just for the sake of saving a marriage and for the sake of kids. Nothing is sacred anymore! 

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-03 4:05 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 41354
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Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

want2chase3 - 2019-07-03 3:53 PM


Humans arent meant to be monogamous.... I'm sorry but this sounds so silly to me.. what separates us from friggen animals?? Oh sorry honey, it's just not in my DNA to be a faithful spouse, to respect the vows we took in front of God and our families. That just sounds like a lousy excuse to me. I dont give a rip about scientific reasons why people cheat ... in my opinion they cheat because they are cheaters and have zero respect instilled in them for their partners or families. I know what yall are saying, I dont need a science lesson or see proof... My father passed away 12 years ago, tomorrow  to be exact.. my mother and he were high school sweethearts and married young, she, to this day hasn't been with anyone else nor will she ever. She says shes happy just being with family. I realize that shes probably the exception but still... it's just sad to me how disposable marriage is nowadays, divorce is rampant... what's the statistic lately?? Is it over 50% now of marriages will fail?  Infidelity is one thing I'd never forgive and forget just for the sake of saving a marriage and for the sake of kids. Nothing is sacred anymore! 


Yes yes yes to all what you just said....

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WrapN3MN
Reg. Mar 2008
Posted 2019-07-03 4:08 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity





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Like others have said, please do not try sticking it out until the kids are older. My husbands parents got divorced when he was in his 20s, and in fact right before we were to get married. It blind sided him, truthfully no one saw it coming. I never felt like he got cold feet, but I did question if in his heart his mentality on marriage had changed. Felt like a 25+ year lie to him. 

 

I am sorry, but he should have thought of the kids before he went over to that womans house. 

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willrodeo4food
Reg. Dec 2004
Posted 2019-07-04 10:36 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



pressure dripper


Posts: 8696
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Location: the end of the rainbow

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  Please remember that you are a good person and you have done nothing to justify him treating you like this.  His lack of respect for you and the life you have built together is not okay.  You deserve a partner who supports you with his whole heart and helps you with the every day chores in life, not just the big struggles or celebrations.  If he can't be all in for your relationship all day every day maybe it is time for you to be all out.



Edited by willrodeo4food 2019-07-04 11:04 AM
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Chandler's Mom
Reg. Jan 2015
Posted 2019-07-04 2:42 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



My Heart Be Happy


Posts: 9159
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Location: Arkansas

Thinking of you today

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-04 2:58 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 41354
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Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!


I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..

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Chandler's Mom
Reg. Jan 2015
Posted 2019-07-04 3:27 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



My Heart Be Happy


Posts: 9159
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Location: Arkansas

Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 2:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..


I was with Chris for 18 years, married for 13.  I thought I'd never be with another man when I met him.   We had rough patches, but we had amazing times mostly.  Until the very end.   And that last night was like a horror movie. . . However, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and commitment and one man and woman in love til death-do-us-part.  (My parents have been married over 54 years, both sets of grandparents were married until my grandfathers died, so I have good role models!)

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-04 3:43 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 41354
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Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

Chandler's Mom - 2019-07-04 3:27 PM


Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 2:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..



I was with Chris for 18 years, married for 13.  I thought I'd never be with another man when I met him.   We had rough patches, but we had amazing times mostly.  Until the very end.   And that last night was like a horror movie. . . However, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and commitment and one man and woman in love til death-do-us-part.  (My parents have been married over 54 years, both sets of grandparents were married until my grandfathers died, so I have good role models!)


I understand how some marriages dont work out, it happens, you have a heart of Gold and Chris was a fool, but it happens, I'm so glad that you still have the faith and you have the family that you have. I just dont understand the thought that man or women dont have to be faithfull to the one they love, just blows my pea brain, lol.I dont know maybe I just read what DashNDustem wrote wrong, If I did I'm sorry.. When my dad died my mother never did see another man, she didnt want too either, there were a few men in her church that tryed thou..

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lonely va barrelxr
Reg. Apr 2005
Posted 2019-07-04 4:16 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Reaching for the stars....


Posts: 12704
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Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 3:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..


 

The ability to override instinct IS what raises us above the other critters on earth. Or the desire to even try. 

It used to be, in almost all religions, that there were celebratory outlets for sexual energy. Many. Most. Christianity decided that sex was a sin and so came the idea of monogamy and celibacy being holy. 

I have been married twice. My first husband cheated on me multiple times and then tried to kill me by strangulation when confronted. I know a lot about all these subjects both from years of psychology, biology and theology study AND from first hand experience.

 

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Chandler's Mom
Reg. Jan 2015
Posted 2019-07-04 4:45 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



My Heart Be Happy


Posts: 9159
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Location: Arkansas

lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-04 4:16 PM


Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 3:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..



 


The ability to override instinct IS what raises us above the other critters on earth. Or the desire to even try. 


It used to be, in almost all religions, that there were celebratory outlets for sexual energy. Many. Most. Christianity decided that sex was a sin and so came the idea of monogamy and celibacy being holy. 


I have been married twice. My first husband cheated on me multiple times and then tried to kill me by strangulation when confronted. I know a lot about all these subjects both from years of psychology, biology and theology study AND from first hand experience.


 


Bless your heart, Miss Lori.   

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-04 4:55 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 41354
5000500050005000500050005000500010001001001002525
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-04 4:16 PM


Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 3:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..



 


The ability to override instinct IS what raises us above the other critters on earth. Or the desire to even try. 


It used to be, in almost all religions, that there were celebratory outlets for sexual energy. Many. Most. Christianity decided that sex was a sin and so came the idea of monogamy and celibacy being holy. 


I have been married twice. My first husband cheated on me multiple times and then tried to kill me by strangulation when confronted. I know a lot about all these subjects both from years of psychology, biology and theology study AND from first hand experience.


 


I;m so sorry that you went threw a horrible marriage, that is just so sad how one can turn on someone they loved or once loved. Theres just so many that should not get married and even be married, I have a sister in law that has been married to the same man for over 40 years, I dont know why because she had caught him so many different times with different women all threw out their marriage, she has never strayed, but shes so in love with him she just looks the other way..

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lonely va barrelxr
Reg. Apr 2005
Posted 2019-07-04 6:40 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Reaching for the stars....


Posts: 12704
500050002000500100100

Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 5:55 PM


lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-04 4:16 PM


Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 3:58 PM


DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM



lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM


I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:


1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.


2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 


3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.


So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 


It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.


You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 


I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 



I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.


I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 


When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 


I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!



I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..



 


The ability to override instinct IS what raises us above the other critters on earth. Or the desire to even try. 


It used to be, in almost all religions, that there were celebratory outlets for sexual energy. Many. Most. Christianity decided that sex was a sin and so came the idea of monogamy and celibacy being holy. 


I have been married twice. My first husband cheated on me multiple times and then tried to kill me by strangulation when confronted. I know a lot about all these subjects both from years of psychology, biology and theology study AND from first hand experience.


 



I;m so sorry that you went threw a horrible marriage, that is just so sad how one can turn on someone they loved or once loved. Theres just so many that should not get married and even be married, I have a sister in law that has been married to the same man for over 40 years, I dont know why because she had caught him so many different times with different women all threw out their marriage, she has never strayed, but shes so in love with him she just looks the other way..


 

The biggest takeaway that I am meaning is that if all else is good in a marriage that a one time slip may not mean the end. If a dude, or woman, can't ever keep their pants on (except with spouse or so) then that's a different issue. I do not believe 'once a cheater always a cheater.' I really don't. I've seen people grow up a lot in life. I've known people with terrible issues get past them and never return to their dark road. But I agree that most people do not mature and change. 

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della
Reg. Apr 2011
Posted 2019-07-04 9:45 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Peecans


2000100050010010010010025

Even *if* humans can not be monogamous... and I do mean if, because I do not belive that it's still absoultly no excuse for the emotional pain of sneaking around, lieing and dishonesty. 

If you are in a open relationship, you are completely honest, your spouse knows everything. If that is what you want, and both agree all the power to you, but that's not what this is. This is cheating because of the lies and emotional pain, and there is no excuse for that. NONE. 

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