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 Own It and Move On
 
Location: The edge of no where | RunNitroRun - 2014-05-07 12:37 PM You found four things that hurt and that stinks but as much as most marriages hope (and some certainly are) that there is complete honesty there are somethings that some people just don't share either because it's not relevant or because they don't want to, or because they're embarrassed. You need to decide how these things affect you and your relationship. Do the things you found affect your health (ie potential STD's)? Does it affect your financial well being (is he doing something that affects YOUR credit score or joint home equity without you knowing)? Is he doing something that affects your social well being (is he doing something illegal)? If what he's doing doesn't put you in harms way and doesn't affect your health/social/financial life together then think to yourself in 1 year/5 years/10 years will this situation be relevant or am I just mad he has something I didn't know about? If down the road this doesn't affect you (other then you currently being upset) then in the grand scheme of things this is a bump in the road and you'll have a lot more of these as married life, and life in general goes on. If this is the case I'd sit him down and tell him your upset that there are secrets you don't know about and then ask him gently if there is a reason he didn't tell you about it. I hope you guys are able to talk it out.
^^ This is really good advice. Is this something he intentionally lied about, or just never mentioned to you? Would it be an issue he was embarrassed to bring up? |
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes... |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:04 AM
Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you.
He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together.
Could be he feels bad"gulity" about being caught in something he knew he should have told you about a long time ago, & now has no idea how to handle it or where to start in explaining! (Just a thought) |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
 
| Hugs and prayers. You do have a difficult road ahead of you. I hope you are able to find guidance, wisdom and peace where that road takes you. I am very lucky to be married to by best friend and am thankful everyday for him. 26 years of marriage and he still rocks my world and he is who I want to spend my time with. I hope you are able to have that too. |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes...
Are we related?!?!?! LOL Good advice, CH! |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes...
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | Herbie - 2014-05-07 1:24 PM Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes... Are we related?!?!?! LOL Good advice, CH!
LOL...probably way back somewhere.....I guess I got mean in my old age, but I wish when I was her age that someone had sat me down and told me all of this tough stuff!...I had to learn the hard way....and wasted more years than I'll admit to in the process...
I do know it's very, very hard to be the one in a new marriage and facing this with someone you thought you knew and trusted....it blindsides you and your whole world turns upside down...you just want to fix it and have things be the way they were....but it's a big red flag of what's to come if you don't take a stand now....
It's a whole lot easier to be on the outside like we are here, and have already had these things happen to us and can predict for you what you should or shouldn't do, but we all have life lessons we need to learn in our own time and in our own way, and you'll do what fits your personality and tolerance level....it's going to be hard on you if you stay and can't fix this, and it's going to be hard on you if you leave and wait on him to grow up and decide if he truly wants to be a partner with you in life.....I only say this out of experience and my own bad choices...my lessons all came at a price, I'm only hoping to save you the same heartbreak.... |
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Member
Posts: 17
| I am willing to work on this if he will sit down with me and talk this through. If he will continue to not talk to me well then its pretty clear I guess what would need to happen.
What I found does not effect my health, other than giving me horrible anxiety and raisingmy blood pressure from finding out. This could effect me personally down the road if its not handled, that's why I am so upset. Its nothing illegal.
For those of you that said you packed up your horses and left, where did you go to? |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I would try to find a friend who might be willing to keep them for you for a little bit or a pasture someone might let you lease? Maybe board them somewhere?
Good luck to you, and we all wish you the best of luck and are here for you if you need us to be!  |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | mruggles - 2014-05-07 12:19 PM well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m This is a good point, but I would also add. IF something he is doing going to effect me, then you include me.
IMHO it is also very hard to give good advice when one is being as vauge as you are.
Edited by fatchance 2014-05-07 2:40 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 316
| I agree with what someone else said earlier...when I was in my 20's and first married some things were a way bigger deal to me than what they would be now. Hard to say this is one of those situations since we don't know what it is. Plus there are things that I think are big deals that my husband doesn't think is a big deal even to this day.
A few words of wisdom from my experience on the talking part...I'm married to a man that doesn't really know how to share his feelings or what he thinks very well. He's very easy going and laid back; pretty much goes along with anything I say...this is good and bad...believe me! It's taken me 12 years of marriage to figure out how to get him to talk...the biggest thing is to not give any kind of attitude or raise my voice or have any reaction to what he says until he's done. If I react, etc. he will clam up and stop talking. If he feels I'm going to get mad before he even finishes what he's saying he'll just stop.
Also, I'm really sorry, but the advice of leaving...we don't even know what this is...is it something that can be fixed? Sometimes leaving is harder than trying to work through an issue. Was it a mistake and he's just embarrassed to tell you about it? Was it something that happened prior to you getting married and he didn't know how to talk about it without you getting upset? I know that my husband sometimes avoids talking to me about some things and telling me about some things because he knows I'll just instantly get mad. Not saying it's not okay to get mad, but like I said above I have to wait until he's totally finished talking. And then when I do react I need to react in a way that he will understand how I feel. As soon as I start to raise my voice he's checked out. If I stay calm and just explain how I feel he's attentive. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 838
Location: Georgia | mruggles - 2014-05-07 3:19 PM
well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m
I have to agree with this, to some extent. I guess the big thing is what exactly he's done, but I also feel like if there isn't an infidelity with another woman then hopefully your marriage will be salvageable. Another good piece of advice is to not sweat the small things like others have said... If it is something financial and/or some sort of money issue, men have a really hard time dealing with financial troubles. I know with my husband, if we get in a bind or our savings get low, he gets really tore up because he feels like it's his responsibility to be the primary bread winner and financial statue... I wish you both the best in your decisions and I hope this is something you can work out.
My husband is 35 and I'm 25, we've been married 4 years, we have a coming 3 year old son and another son due in July and we are still figuring out each other. Marriage isn't easy by any means, especially since we started having kids right off the bat, but if you truly love each other, it will work out. Please let me know if I can help you in any way! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers for you |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | If this is something that would embarrass / affect you if it got out, are you willing to deal with it?
I found out something about my X that floored me. I tried to understand. My brain couldn't wrap around it. Even when I educated myself about it. I spiraled down to a dark place and had to get out. |
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 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | Ok im going to put my two cents in for what it is worth... i just went through this and it is horrible and you feel lost and wonder if you will ever breath again.
I could'nt pack my bags fast enough...but it took many years of my life when i could have just nutted up and stood up!!!
WHY SHOULD YOU MOVE??? My butt would be planted so hard and firm!!! surely there are other rooms you can sleep in till he gets the message. He will see you everyday and have to talk soon...but you may not get all the answers you want. Do you want to live with that? Do you want to live everyday thinking there are more secrets? it will burn a hole in your soul till you set him down. He owes you that much!!
I set mine down and i ask every question on my mind...and im more than positive that he lied on most of them.
There is a silver linning... Good luck to you and i wish you the best. I don't know where you live or i don't know you...but my place is always open!!!
i know i contradicted myself...but i made him buy me a house in the divorce. I could'nt afford the bills on the one we lived in together.
Edited by teressa 2014-05-07 3:12 PM
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I'll Be Your Huckleberry
Posts: 1488
Location: Arizona | I'm sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say I got married very young. My husband was also very young. Things were NOT easy for a long time. There were things said and done that didn't even cross my mind as something people dealt with. It takes a long time to learn each other and your quirks. I think sometimes men take a while to mature (not trying to be sexist here) as my husband has gotten older he has become much more sensitive to my feelings and is a much gentler person. I thought about walking out many times, and could have rightfully done so but I am glad I didn't. Marriage is something to be valued and unless it something like cheating, physical abuse, or serious mental and emotional abuse I think you should think long and hard before ending it. I would suggest going to a counselor yourself if he won't go, or even getting some books to help you better understand him. It can help you know how to speak to him and have a productive conversation instead of playing the blame game.
My husband and have been married almost 10 years with 2 beautiful children and I am so grateful to have him. I'm grateful I decided to do everything I could to make my marriage work instead of giving up when things got really hard. I hope you find a good solution and find a way to stay positive. |
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 MEOW!
Posts: 4477
Location: High heels in the air... | The lack of empathy is what bothers me...some guy are quiet types but at some point they need to open up...baby yourself, go ride, get a pedicure, and wait a bit...he may not be ready to explain himself...men avoid drama even if they cause it...so chill, try not to stress...give him a chance to own it then decide what's best for you. |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| First of all, hugs.
Secondly, when people show you who they are believe them. Whatever this problem is, it's up to you what you can and cannot accept in your life. This man whatever he did, will not change, and don't expect him to. He has laid out for you a blueprint of how he handles adversity in his life. The only thing you can control and count on is you. So, what do you want for you?
If you chose to work on this issue, do it with both eyes open and demand and expect respect and answers. If he won't do that then he needs to go. Period. You deserve the best and you get what you deserve.
Praying. Put your big girl pants on and face this head up, not head down. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Well he came home and I very calmly sat him down and talked to him. I was very careful not to interupt when he was talking as another BB said. Once he started talking and he saw that I was staying calm he was a little more open, not a lot though.
I told him this is his one and only warning and I won't deal with this again. I don't think he believes me when I say that but that's okay. If he does this again I will show him I'm serious. I've decided to start a little savings account for me if I need it. I have a truck and a trailer big enough for all my horses but a place to stay would be the issue so a little savings account I think is in order.
I'm not ready to give up but I won't do this again. If there is a next time, I will be prepared. |
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