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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
   
| HotbearLVR - 2014-07-13 9:44 PM ninaom - 2014-07-13 8:07 PM HotbearLVR - 2014-07-13 7:13 PM ninaom - 2014-07-13 6:40 PM DLV I think what upsets you is that he is ignoring you, not that you do not appreciate your husband. It is no fun to feel like you have no say in a marriage. If the tables were turned and you were the one who had taken a promotion against your husbands wishes and were writing for advice on how to deal with your husband feeling ignored...I wonder what the advice would be. I am pretty sure everyone would be telling you to scale back on work and pay more attention to your spouse. I doubt anyone would be saying your husband should suck it up and appreciate what he has. It is possible to appreciate a hard working partner yet still want a decent balance in life between work and family. Good point with your scenario. I have another scenario....maybe the hubby should just give up and take that lower paying, less time-consuming, less stressful job, in return for selling the horses and trailer, more weekends at home instead of jackpots, and rodeos. I bet that would lead to some real quality time. why do you think the husband is paying for all that and not the wife? I wonder what the $ for the promotion is being spent on though...how do you know it isnt strip clubs? Or "boy toys"? Honestly if I was in the same situation I would not mind at all.I think it is nice, really, that the wife is so interested in spending more time with her husband. Pure conjecture....we don't know. It's easy to insinuate that kind of thing. Maybe he has a drug problem? Maybe it's prostitutes? Maybe it's gambling? He is a man, after all, so many decide he's up to no good. All I know is what the OP shared....a scenario where there's a marriage where there's already been stress and strife. A husband who decides to accept this position that is a promotion, requiring more work and stress, in return for the advancement and better pay. The guy hasn't been working long hours and has been showing signs of stress at home. My point of all of this is, as a man, from the outside looking in, on a forum frequented by 99% women, I'm a little tired of the husband-bashing, especially where I have a hard time commiserating, given the circumstances. I like what SHR ranch said....that a lot of women would give anything for a husband who is willing to work hard. I also find it refreshing to see that there are a lot of women willing to share stories about similar stories from earlier years in their marriage. What I see in those instances is a lot of gratitude and recognition that both the husband and wife suffered and sacrificed a great deal, but in the end, their marriage was strengthened because of it.
I can definitely see where you're coming from.
However, I see a lot of woman bashing on sites that I frequent that are 99% "populated" by men. There's a lot of hate on both sides that I wish would just stop. Enough is enough, already!
Anyway, I'm not a relationship expert so I don't really have an opinion. I do see lots of good advice though.
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
 
Location: Never in one place long | LRQHS - 2014-07-14 6:06 AM
I say this with all sincerity, give that man a back massage when he comes home.
Hope it gets better for you soon, but if it doesn't, go buy another horse with his cash.
Lol! I actually do just that quite often (the back massage)... not so much lately though... perhaps I should. Just sold a horse so def not buying another! Maybe we should take a vacation together to have some quality time.... we're planning on one in a few months. | |
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  Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | DLV - 2014-07-14 8:25 AM
LRQHS - 2014-07-14 6:06 AM
I say this with all sincerity, give that man a back massage when he comes home.
Hope it gets better for you soon, but if it doesn't, go buy another horse with his cash.
Lol! I actually do just that quite often (the back massage )... not so much lately though... perhaps I should. Just sold a horse so def not buying another! Maybe we should take a vacation together to have some quality time.... we're planning on one in a few months.
That sounds like a great idea. Bora Bora looks nice and relaxing. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | RoaniePonie11 - 2014-07-14 12:51 AM
WOW you people are rude. Pretty sure she asked what she would do to help change the situation not weather or not you want her husband because she doesn't deserve him or how horrible of a wife she is.
To the OP. Please skip a lot of these responses. I wish I could say I was surprised at what you got. I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you want your happy together time back and stress from the new job has taken that away from him. I know it is hard to put a smile on your face when all you want to do is yell at him because he hurts your feelings. I have been there. Believe me. Honestly, I recommend finding out when he'll be off one evening and set up a date night of some sort where you don't leave the house but set something up out of the ordinary that is up his alley (dinner and beer outside just hanging out or fancy dressy dinner with the dining room all fancy) and get him home and enjoy and relax with him and sometime during the night after he has began to relax and enjoy tell him you want more nights like that and you miss having y'alls time. Don't gripe about the job because I think that might strike a cord. Make it about wanting to spend more time with him and relax and have fun again.
Best of luck. Sorry your thread went south. Some people just don't have very open minds. I do realize your not bashing him.
Thank you. you are very right. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| We have gone through this 2 times. First was when my daughter was in jr. high. I never had a close relationship with my dad so I wanted her to have one with her dad. He was working overtime ALL the time, thinking that was what I wanted. But when I explained how showing heifers was something that he and Beth did together and would keep them from growing apart and how important the father/daughter relationship is to a pre-teen, he cut down on the overtime to go with us to the shows. Once the kids got in college, he took a promotion that was nothing but stress and working overtime, but not getting paid for it since he was salary. I supported him as well as I could. If he was grumpy, I asked if he wanted to talk, and if he didn't we would sit on the porch and drink a beer, or I would go ride and he would watch t.v. or go visit his cows. If he did want to talk, I just listened and said nothing but I love you. He has since changed positions and is much happier. I am blessed with the sweetest, most loving man, so when he was grumpy it broke my heart to see him feeling this way. Just give him some space and be patient with him. Recognize how you feel and let it go and then do something for yourself, whether it be reading a good book, listening to soothing music, or in my case sometimes listening to metal rock. It is normal to not want to be ignored, but don't resent him or think he loves you any less, because though he may not say it, he is doing this for you too. Find someone you can safely vent to, but make sure they are completely trustworthy. You can pm me if you want.  | |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | GLP - 2014-07-14 8:40 AM
We have gone through this 2 times. First was when my daughter was in jr. high. I never had a close relationship with my dad so I wanted her to have one with her dad. He was working overtime ALL the time, thinking that was what I wanted. But when I explained how showing heifers was something that he and Beth did together and would keep them from growing apart and how important the father/daughter relationship is to a pre-teen, he cut down on the overtime to go with us to the shows. Once the kids got in college, he took a promotion that was nothing but stress and working overtime, but not getting paid for it since he was salary. I supported him as well as I could. If he was grumpy, I asked if he wanted to talk, and if he didn't we would sit on the porch and drink a beer, or I would go ride and he would watch t.v. or go visit his cows. If he did want to talk, I just listened and said nothing but I love you. He has since changed positions and is much happier. I am blessed with the sweetest, most loving man, so when he was grumpy it broke my heart to see him feeling this way. Just give him some space and be patient with him. Recognize how you feel and let it go and then do something for yourself, whether it be reading a good book, listening to soothing music, or in my case sometimes listening to metal rock. It is normal to not want to be ignored, but don't resent him or think he loves you any less, because though he may not say it, he is doing this for you too. Find someone you can safely vent to, but make sure they are completely trustworthy. You can pm me if you want.
Really great advice. The more resentful you are of the hours he's gone, the less he's going to want to be around you. So what if he isn't doing as much as he used to around the place...Maybe cut back on the volunteering and just pick up the slack for him. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | GLP - 2014-07-14 8:40 AM
We have gone through this 2 times. First was when my daughter was in jr. high. I never had a close relationship with my dad so I wanted her to have one with her dad. He was working overtime ALL the time, thinking that was what I wanted. But when I explained how showing heifers was something that he and Beth did together and would keep them from growing apart and how important the father/daughter relationship is to a pre-teen, he cut down on the overtime to go with us to the shows. Once the kids got in college, he took a promotion that was nothing but stress and working overtime, but not getting paid for it since he was salary. I supported him as well as I could. If he was grumpy, I asked if he wanted to talk, and if he didn't we would sit on the porch and drink a beer, or I would go ride and he would watch t.v. or go visit his cows. If he did want to talk, I just listened and said nothing but I love you. He has since changed positions and is much happier. I am blessed with the sweetest, most loving man, so when he was grumpy it broke my heart to see him feeling this way. Just give him some space and be patient with him. Recognize how you feel and let it go and then do something for yourself, whether it be reading a good book, listening to soothing music, or in my case sometimes listening to metal rock. It is normal to not want to be ignored, but don't resent him or think he loves you any less, because though he may not say it, he is doing this for you too. Find someone you can safely vent to, but make sure they are completely trustworthy. You can pm me if you want.
Brilliant as always! | |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | What type of problems were going on before? Do they contribute to this issue? | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| oija - 2014-07-14 9:03 AM
GLP - 2014-07-14 8:40 AM
We have gone through this 2 times. First was when my daughter was in jr. high. I never had a close relationship with my dad so I wanted her to have one with her dad. He was working overtime ALL the time, thinking that was what I wanted. But when I explained how showing heifers was something that he and Beth did together and would keep them from growing apart and how important the father/daughter relationship is to a pre-teen, he cut down on the overtime to go with us to the shows. Once the kids got in college, he took a promotion that was nothing but stress and working overtime, but not getting paid for it since he was salary. I supported him as well as I could. If he was grumpy, I asked if he wanted to talk, and if he didn't we would sit on the porch and drink a beer, or I would go ride and he would watch t.v. or go visit his cows. If he did want to talk, I just listened and said nothing but I love you. He has since changed positions and is much happier. I am blessed with the sweetest, most loving man, so when he was grumpy it broke my heart to see him feeling this way. Just give him some space and be patient with him. Recognize how you feel and let it go and then do something for yourself, whether it be reading a good book, listening to soothing music, or in my case sometimes listening to metal rock. It is normal to not want to be ignored, but don't resent him or think he loves you any less, because though he may not say it, he is doing this for you too. Find someone you can safely vent to, but make sure they are completely trustworthy. You can pm me if you want.
Brilliant as always!
Aww, thank you. How are Zephyr and the Chasin Firewater? | |
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | GLP - 2014-07-14 9:14 AM
oija - 2014-07-14 9:03 AM
GLP - 2014-07-14 8:40 AM
We have gone through this 2 times. First was when my daughter was in jr. high. I never had a close relationship with my dad so I wanted her to have one with her dad. He was working overtime ALL the time, thinking that was what I wanted. But when I explained how showing heifers was something that he and Beth did together and would keep them from growing apart and how important the father/daughter relationship is to a pre-teen, he cut down on the overtime to go with us to the shows. Once the kids got in college, he took a promotion that was nothing but stress and working overtime, but not getting paid for it since he was salary. I supported him as well as I could. If he was grumpy, I asked if he wanted to talk, and if he didn't we would sit on the porch and drink a beer, or I would go ride and he would watch t.v. or go visit his cows. If he did want to talk, I just listened and said nothing but I love you. He has since changed positions and is much happier. I am blessed with the sweetest, most loving man, so when he was grumpy it broke my heart to see him feeling this way. Just give him some space and be patient with him. Recognize how you feel and let it go and then do something for yourself, whether it be reading a good book, listening to soothing music, or in my case sometimes listening to metal rock. It is normal to not want to be ignored, but don't resent him or think he loves you any less, because though he may not say it, he is doing this for you too. Find someone you can safely vent to, but make sure they are completely trustworthy. You can pm me if you want.
Brilliant as always!
Aww, thank you. How are Zephyr and the Chasin Firewater?
I will PM you. :) | |
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 Roan Wonder
Location: SW MO | I'm old school I guess. The complaint part of you have about not answering text or calls at work. I didn't think you were supposed to text at work & personal calls were only for emergencies??
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10D Crack Champion
| crossspur - 2014-07-14 9:20 AM I'm old school I guess. The complaint part of you have about not answering text or calls at work. I didn't think you were supposed to text at work & perosn calls were only for emergencies.
I thought that as well. I thought folks were only supposed to make work related calls while at work.I guess someone could respond to texts and personal calls on breaks and lunch.
To the OP so sorry things aren't going well. Hang in there! | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | crossspur - 2014-07-14 9:20 AM I'm old school I guess. The complaint part of you have about not answering text or calls at work. I didn't think you were supposed to text at work & personal calls were only for emergencies??
It depends on where you work. | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | I knew that saying what I did would not go over well, but threads like this tend to be one sided, whenever one gender dominates. I don't have a problem if someone wants to use a public forum or social media to vent or garner some support, but I think a lot of people who read these wonder about the other person's side of the story. Maybe my comments served to put things in perspective and maybe, just maybe, the OP considered them, took a step back, and reconsidered things. Sometimes when we are told something we don't want to hear, it still has a positive impact and strikes a chord that eventually helps to right the ship. If that happens, then some of the vitriol directed toward me for going out on a limb will be well worth it. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| OP- All of us wish you nothing but the best. I hate seeing marriages end period. | |
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| I agree that some that the previous issues you guys have had are mostly driving this discontent; it's just another thing on top of the others. I suggest you try to come to terms with whatever those issues are so you can get a better perspective on the current status.
I do think that perhaps this first 6-12 months might be a lot of hard work and hours for him. When I have made a challenging career more, it has taken me that long to get all the pieces in place and become efficient (spend less time) at it. It has always been worth it, but you have to get through the other side of it first. When I started my current position, Plant Controller for a manufacturing facility, I was working about 80 hours per week easily. The plant was going through some challenges, but that was why I got hired to get them through those. I don't have a spouse or kids at home, but I still had all the household stuff and animals to take care of also. How great it would have been to have help with the stuff at home.
With my experiences, I can be very easy to tell someone to kick him to the curb. However, in this instance (or I am mellowing out) I am going with the back massage.
Good luck. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | HotbearLVR - 2014-07-14 9:36 AM
I knew that saying what I did would not go over well, but threads like this tend to be one sided, whenever one gender dominates. I don't have a problem if someone wants to use a public forum or social media to vent or garner some support, but I think a lot of people who read these wonder about the other person's side of the story. Maybe my comments served to put things in perspective and maybe, just maybe, the OP considered them, took a step back, and reconsidered things. Sometimes when we are told something we don't want to hear, it still has a positive impact and strikes a chord that eventually helps to right the ship. If that happens, then some of the vitriol directed toward me for going out on a limb will be well worth it.
When you post on a public forum you have to be willing to accept whatever people say and I'm glad you posted your opinion, doesn't mean I have to take it but I think from every single post, there has been something that I can learn from. The fact that you assumed I was a spoiled, unthankful wife out rodeoing and spending my husbands money was not very fair because it's far from the truth and that's why I don't care so much about the money. I have no hard feeling about it. As I said on my OP, I was being resentful etc. and DON"T want to be! I was asking for advice on how to get through this and ending my marriage is NOT an option, neither or us want that nor would I even entertain the idea! We have to get through this and I'm certain we're both a part of the problem. I'm glad to hear so many have been through simular sitations and I'm so thankful for all the heartfelt advice and encouragment!
We had a great night last night and actually had fun!
Edited by DLV 2014-07-14 10:05 AM
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | crossspur - 2014-07-14 7:20 AM I'm old school I guess. The complaint part of you have about not answering text or calls at work. I didn't think you were supposed to text at work & personal calls were only for emergencies??
That kind of depends. my hubby is a company man and he will take my call and answer a text in front of his boss. his reasoning is simple and everyone knows it: I work 60 hours a week when I cheat the company, and my wife does not complain. I take her calls and return her texts as a way of showing her SHE IS FIRST, and maybe that is why she doesn't complain and is a company wife. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | DLV - 2014-07-14 10:03 AM HotbearLVR - 2014-07-14 9:36 AM I knew that saying what I did would not go over well, but threads like this tend to be one sided, whenever one gender dominates. I don't have a problem if someone wants to use a public forum or social media to vent or garner some support, but I think a lot of people who read these wonder about the other person's side of the story. Maybe my comments served to put things in perspective and maybe, just maybe, the OP considered them, took a step back, and reconsidered things. Sometimes when we are told something we don't want to hear, it still has a positive impact and strikes a chord that eventually helps to right the ship. If that happens, then some of the vitriol directed toward me for going out on a limb will be well worth it. When you post on a public forum you have to be willing to accept whatever people say and I'm glad you posted your opinion, doesn't mean I have to take it but I think from every single post, there has been something that I can learn from. The fact that you assumed I was a spoiled, unthankful wife out rodeoing and spending my husbands money was not very fair because it's far from the truth and that's why I don't care so much about the money. I have no hard feeling about it. As I said on my OP, I was being resentful etc. and DON"T want to be! I was asking for advice on how to get through this and ending my marriage is NOT an option, neither or us want that nor would I even entertain the idea! We have to get through this and I'm certain we're both a part of the problem. I'm glad to hear so many have been through simular sitations and I'm so thankful for all the heartfelt advice and encouragment! We had a great night last night and actually had fun!
Glad to hear last night was good. Hope more will come for the two of you.  | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | kwanatha - 2014-07-14 10:04 AM
crossspur - 2014-07-14 7:20 AM I'm old school I guess. The complaint part of you have about not answering text or calls at work. I didn't think you were supposed to text at work & personal calls were only for emergencies??
That kind of depends. my hubby is a company man and he will take my call and answer a text in front of his boss. his reasoning is simple and everyone knows it: I work 60 hours a week when I cheat the company, and my wife does not complain. I take her calls and return her texts as a way of showing her SHE IS FIRST, and maybe that is why she doesn't complain and is a company wife.
Exactly! and as I SAID on his LUNCH break, I'm pretty sure on lunch break, you are free to make a phone call in any place of work! His boss actually yelled at him for NOT answering my calls one time and told him he needed to call me more oftten when he is on business trips! | |
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