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 I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
    
| RidenFly - 2015-03-06 1:08 PM
Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-07 11:01 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?Â
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do."  Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth. Â
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce.  I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess.  I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up. Â
Every one goes into a relationship with different needs. To condemn someone for marrying for stability OR for passion is WAY off track.
To the OP, read the books recommended and if you can get him to read them, all the better. See if you can find a counselor that you can both relate to. Sometimes it takes an outside point of view to see things clearly. Sometimes a third party can suggest things you might not think of. One thing that ours stated was that couples need to touch something like 10 times a day. Not just sex, but a hug, or slipping a hand on a shoulder when he passes by. She called it a "love tank" and told us to be able to say that "my love tank is running low and I need a hug". By gosh, it's amazing how it works for me! But then again, coming from an emotionally barren family life....no hugs, no comfort, no I love yous from parent to child. The Five Love Languages defined for me, my need for hugs and touches from my husband, probably because I did not get them as a child. the whole Love Languages things as a lightbulb moment for me. It helped to explain many couples frustration. You know a really nice guy and a good woman, both who are frustrated, thinking they are doing everything and getting nothing back. They are, but each does not recognize what the other is giving and both do not realize they are nt giving what their partner needs to feel safe and loved.
I think that if the OP and her hubby could sort through their love languages and get and receive what they each need, her attraction to husband would go up exponentially . I know that when I felt like my husband treated me like crap, the LAST thing I wanted to do was jump in bed with him. Jerks are much less attractive to me than a funny, nice guy.
I also think that is why marriage is easy for some and continuous work for others. The ones that find it easy as breathing were fortunate or smart enough to find a mate whose love languages match.
Hugs to the OP. I have gone WAAAAY longer than a week or two without and we are still married years later. But don't wait too long to seek out positive changes. An unhappy spouse who feels unloved, husband OR wife is much more vulnerable to the attentions from someone else who seems to give them what they want.
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 Chasin my Dream
Posts: 13651
Location: Alberta | Fun2Run - 2015-03-05 10:01 PM First, get a couple of books. You can get them both on Amazon.com:
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I'm not a fan of the woman but the book is pretty eye opening.
"The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage; How the Power of One Changes Everything" by Michael Smalley.
You can turn this around - he sounds like he's worth the effort.
Before I got married my mom bought me the Dr. Laura book it's a must!!!
I'll be the first to admit I went into marriage with rose colored glasses on. I am fortunate I married a man who not only is my best friend, but we hare the same interests and have the same visions for our future. Do we fight, heck yes, we are 2 strong willed people and in the end we love each other too much to give up on things when we don't agree. Marriage is definitely a give and take and even evolving of your own person. My husband is the most hard working man and does everything in his power so that I am happy and able to enjoy myself. I know I don't let him know how much I appreciate as I should AND I know I've had to learn how to become less of a selfish person being married.
We we have been married going on 8 years and he still gives me butterflies when I see him drive in the yard or when he walks into the house.... | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
I am not sure what to advise you on your situation because you are in a marriage. That is serious. I hope things get better! Best of luck.
Edited by scwebster 2015-03-06 1:57 PM
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 2:01 PM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?Â
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do."  Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth. Â
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce.  I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOLÂ
People have different priorities, I guess. Â I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up. Â
I agree, T4L. People are lying if they say every time they have sex with their SO that fireworks explode and the heavens open up for angels to sing. BS.
Passion doesn't last 50 years. Good people do. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| SoConfused - 2015-03-06 8:34 AM
First, thank you to every single one of you for responding. I appreciate your honest feedback and advice. I feel absolutely sick this morning and I just don't even know where to start. When I woke up this morning I noticed a huge hole in our wall in the wall above our bed where he obviously punched or threw something last night. I just don't even know how to start to fix this. We (obviously) don't communicate well about problems and I don't know if I've pushed him to the point where he doesn't want to try.
To my defense (not that I don't deserve every word that's been said), but this little snap shot of our life is not necessarily typical. I don't usually withhold sex this much, I'd say we average 2 times a week. For whatever reason, last week passed without any, and then this week every night, he would say "Wanna have sex tonight? Nope, me either." even though I would have said yes. I took advantage of the "out" when I should have said yes anyway. But in "normal" life we get along and have fun, even if we don't spend much time together. I do get resentful that he spends so much time with his friends, and when he is with me, he purposely annoys me so that I'll tell him to go hang out with them. It's even become somewhat of a running joke when other couples ask us why I don't get mad that he doesn't spend much time at home, we say it's because he annoys me to get what he wants! This is why I say he acts like a teenage boy. He will do things like the "repeat" game where he repeats everything I say, or the "I'm not touching you" game, etc. It's annoying when little kids do it and it may be even more annoying when your husband does it.
I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to live like this either. I want to love my husband and be best friends and want to spend every minute together. I just don't know how to get there.
So I will ask what no one else has...how old are you and your husband. You sound on the younger side to me...but maybe not. Personally I waited until I was 34 to get married. This way I had:
Dated enough men and been around enough of my friends and their relationships to see what I would and would not put up with from men
been on my own and payed for my own rent, truck, horses, clothing, barrel races, dogs, etc and knew that I didn't NEED a man for stability
only had to take care of myself for about 5 years and worry about my own needs, wants and desires and was READY and WILLING to put another person and a relationship first
had met a man who I was attracted to physically, mentally, and felt secure with, as well as becoming each other's best friends and he had the same views about God and religion, love, money, marriage, raising children, and life (wanted to stay on a ranch/farm and not live in the city) and was WELL aware and familiar with what came with it
it is not fair to marry someone if you are not ready to be married. There is nothing saying you have to be married. If you (and he) are not ready to be fully committed to each other and there is jealousy (of friends/animals, etc) then there is something underlying the issue and it needs to be worked out or you need to part ways. And the "you want to have sex?" question like that is not gonna make it happen. Like someone else said, get some lingerie and some wine and have fun. Sex brings you closer and its the way men feel wanted.
*this post made me so sad that I had to text my husband and tell him how much I loved him and would always be there for him. | |
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Seek help and hopefully you can get things worked out between the two of you...
I think i'm gonna stop and get some whipped cream on my way home from work and suprise my husband... Reading this post really makes me want to appreciate him even more... even though we say i love you like 15 times a day and kiss everytime we seperate... I think i can do more and better to appreciate him... I think maybe you should try it to...
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM
Umm. Wow.
I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him.
Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him.
You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you?
I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy.
When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way?
Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished?
Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
She took the words right out of my mouth | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments.
You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| "Honey, do you know why I married you?"
"My sparkling eyes or my tight arse?"
"No, silly. It was because of your Union pension."
Sounds like a hell of a life. For her. | |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-07 4:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
So well put. People take each other for granted all the time in relationships. Get away from the computer, the horses, or whatever is taking your time away from him and focus on him for once. Physical attraction comes from emotional attraction. If you spend no time with this man, you cannot expect your love to grow. Count up the hours in the day that you spend on other things and ask yourself if they are as important as your marriage. If the animals are tearing things up, do a better job of training them so he can be happy living with them too. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Bear - 2015-03-06 6:20 PM I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments. You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple.
Very well said,,  and the guy even cooks for her  | |
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | Bear - 2015-03-06 6:20 PM
I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments.
You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple.
This. And what CPC said. | |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Â post a picture of the hole in the wall in the bedroom. | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:42 PM Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability. As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy. Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? Then why did you marry him if it was never there.... you used him . thats selfish in my opinion. Shame on you.
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-03-06 8:23 PM
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
I could be the OP. Her husband could be my fiance. Seriously.
OP, take these ladies' advice. Imagine your life without your husband. Can you? | |
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Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-06 8:21 PM SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:42 PM Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability. As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy. Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? Then why did you marry him if it was never there.... you used him . thats selfish in my opinion. Shame on you.
You married this man at the wrong time, IMO.
My above comment compares us to each other. The difference is I waited to get engaged until I was 100% positive I really love my fiance. And I have always been open about my feelings.
I was scared that I was simply comfortable and he was the "smart" choice. Last year we had a little bit of a rough patch that opened both of our eyes. It was not ideal or pretty, but I saw how much he truly loves me and realized how badly I don't want to be without him as a partner in crime. We made a promise to each other that day and haven't looked back. That was after 6 years of dating. 3 months later he proposed and I said "Yes!" without a single doubt in my mind, it was an amazing feeling in my heart. We will be married this May and will make 7 years as a couple.
He makes me feel special and I make him feel appreciated.
Everytime I am around our friends I know that I'm the one with the catch.
As far as the bedroom activities go, how adventurous are you? Not saying you need to get crazy, but find out what you like. Truthfully I really could live without it. But if there is a man I'm attracted to, it's the one who loves me unconditionally.
I make sure he knows I'm not turning HIM down, or that I'm not attracted to HIM. I let him know on those nights it's just me and how my body is, because that's the truth. He loves me and understands. But he also knows I don't repeatedly shut him down.
I think it bears mentioning that I didn't begin to move in until AFTER we got engaged. We bought a home and I'm about halfway moved in now with 2 months to go until our wedding. I think the tendency to marry for comfort and familiarity is greatly increased when two people live together. I'm so happy I waited to be sure. Of course you can't change that fact.
I think you need to find out if you truly love him with everything you have and can return his love. If not you are potentially wasting your and his time.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1163
Location: Foot of the Smoky Mtns, East Tennessee | This could be my first marriage. I was you. I married my first husband because I knew I could trust him. Did I love him? Yes I did, but I wasn't in love with him. We had a good marriage as far as never arguing and getting along. He did all the cooking and cleaning and we had a lot of fun together even though he wasn't really into the horses. Was I attracted to him? Not in any way. We would go months without being intimate because I never wanted to do anything. We were married for seven years and have a child together. I finally realized I wanted more and left. I've been remarried now for twelve years and it's completely different with my husband in so many ways. I do all the cooking and cleaning because I want to take care of my family. He races also so that makes the horses and animals so much easier. The most important thing though is the physical attraction. I have NEVER told my husband no because I'm so attracted to him! This marriage is different all the way around. Am I telling you to get a divorce? No. Only you can decide how you want to live your life. What I'm saying is, sometimes you have to take a chance you are not uncomfortable with to be happy. | |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| luluwhit - 2015-03-08 5:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.
But she's not loving him. She's using him. She loves him but she's not in love with him and I think it's robbing that guy of happiness he doesn't even know about. I'm not showing my Azzz and what a thing for you to say to anyone who post on here. She asked for opinions and got them. I'm surprised at you. | |
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