3canstorun - 2017-03-15 5:00 AM

The husbands "try" to.  But the x's are usually so mean and manipultive that it doesn't work.  They (X) hold the children like hostages.  If you do this, if you do that to so and so, you won't get to see them.  I will tell everyone about .................  It doesn't matter if it is true or not.  I used to get harassing phone calls because when I washed the kids clothes she didn't like the smell of the detergent.  If a sock got left, we got harassed.  One time I was attacked in a grocery store for "being the skinny Slut" and the kid was riding in my car. 

It has taken many years and counseling for my husband and myself to realize - no matter what we would have done, it would be the same outcome.  Why? Because you can't change another person.  Only yourself. 

And, this was an educated woman - a lawyer (X)  

rodeomom3 - 2017-03-15 5:45 AM

Sounds like a bad deal.  They "used you for free day care"-do you think you should have been paid to care for your step children?  Sad for the kids to grow up in such a mess. 

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 7:55 AM Of course I don't think I should have been paid. But to be expected to take care of them 24/7 and be abused by both parents is not ok. I was taken advantage of. Period. And you are right. It was sad, and it was a mess. I tried my @ss off to give those kids a loving home. And it derailed, badly, because their parents couldn't grow up. And years later, as I look back, it makes me angry and bitter. I was young and felt a responsibility to try and give them a stable parent because theirs SUCKED. I should've walked away, but I didn't. And unfortunately MY own children paid the price for it.

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM

Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM

Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.

Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-15 11:00 PM


Are you and the father still married??

kacy_t - 2017-03-15 12:19 PM

Take it with a grain of salt, but here is my perspective as a step child who was shuffled between houses. I can't tell you why your step daughter is doing what she is, but maybe this will help.

My parents split when I was 3. My mom wanted nothing to do with me until a few years later. Both were remarried, and each had a daughter and a son by the time I was 6. By that point, mom and dad were to far away to send me back and forth each weekend, so I spent my school years with dad, stepmom and his kids, and the summers with my mom, stepdad, and her kids.

I remember taking things from my dad's because I had a fear that when I was gone for three months he would forget about me. My stepmom was in love with her kids, and always told my dad that she "had her kids" and he had "his kid". Not the best way to nurture a relationship. When I was at mom's I would pack as much as I could of things from her house to take back to dad's - toys, decor from my room, clothes, etc - because I thought she would forget about me for the next 9 months I was at school and not want me to come back. It scared me knowing that both of me sets of parents had their "own kids" and had their own lives that operated perfectly find without me.

Maybe your stepdaughter is feeling worried about her place in the family? My advice to you - what I wish all my parents had done with me - is to talk to me. Ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel about going back and forth, what would make the transition easier, and anything else. If she is like me, she won't talk at first or she will play it cool, saying that all is good, but in reality she is scared. The truth will come out if she knows she can talk to you and trust you. My parents played the "he said, she said" game, and I always felt that I was to blame which made me keep everything bottled up.

It's now been 3 years since I have went back and forth and I choose to live close to my dad. I don't think parents realize how much of an impact they have on their kids. Stepparents have a very hard job, but I think it can be worth it in the end. My stepmother is someone that I can't talk to because she turns everything around. I always dreamed of having a stepmom who would want to spend time with me. Your daughter is more thankful for you than you think.

Just make sure she knows she can't lie, and that socks are not the big concern. She has to know that she can trust you.

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-16 1:02 AM


Barely

wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 4:03 PM This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche. The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet. Yes. I am bitter.

1DSoon - 2017-03-16 5:00 AM


you sound like a lot of fun to party with.


 

Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-16 1:07 AM


This made me cry for the young girl you were and how confused and scared you must have been. No one should feel that way. It sounds like you have your head on straight, and I think I can read between the lines and see you are quite the young lady now. Good for you for hanging in and keeping your chin up. May your future be bright my dear.

Peewee212 - 2017-03-17 3:54 PM Thanks for your input and know Im so sorry for what you had to go through as a young girl, but know I appreciate your view especially since you've been that little girl. I have always went out of my way to make sure she knows shes loved and missed when she's not here and we have talked about how we know shes loved and missed at her other home when she is at our house. She does go 10-15 days in a row in the summer each month at our house, and Im sure that's hard being away from her mom that long and how her mom does It I have no idea. But I have never had her hoping and wishing to return before that times up. And now with a brother she even more excited to come, but she misses out on so much (which I never tell her) when shes gone for 2 wks and here for 2 days. And she does have a sister at her other house that's older, I think 4 maybe, so she has the kids and one house kids at another, but we have never made her think that she is separate from them. She is a sister, we don't put the half in there even though she has asked me about that before, we just don't label it. And I had my concerns before we had our baby this past year, that maybe at the other house she was getting treated this way just alittle bit and I don't know this for a fact, this is just kinda what I got out of her, but she made the comment that her little sister still sleeps in her mom and step dads bed, and this is everyones own personal parenting choice, but we don't let the kids sleep in our bed, my step daughter never did and my son doesn't (he was in our room for a few months in a rocker, but is now in his crib not far from our room) but I feel like this bothered her and actually talked to my husband about it, that I don't want her to every feel like she doesn't think she's a part of our family or feels like shes a different part of it, when I talked to him I just told him I hope she doesn't think that her sister gets to sleep in their bed because she is THEIR kid?! She will be in a similar situation like you were with being 2 families with kids. I don't know and its none of my business if her mom plans to have more, but we are (will actually have an addition in about 7.5 months, shh don't tell anyone), but because she is older, 9 years older I could see how she could maybe feel this way, like we have our own family and they have their family and she just doesn't feel like she fits in either one, and I will do everything I can to make her never feel this way. I know its harder too with so much age in between, I started dating my husband at 19, he was 23, and she was 2 months old. We married when she was 2 and we weren't ready to have kids as soon as we got married, I was 22. And honestly I didn't want them that close in age more for the fact I didn't want my husband to ever have to choose one school function over another (were not close enough distance wise that our kids will attend the same school) and I didn't want that issue of feeling like we had to choose one over the other, and we wont this way, but the downfall being there 10 years apart in age, not that this was a deciding factor on when we were going to start a family, because we just weren't ready, I liked the idea of being married for a while. Her mom on the other hand married when she was 3 or 4? and had a baby right away, but they are still 5-6 years apart which a lot of families have their kids spaced out, so maybe I shouldn't be as concerned about that, I just came from a close made family, 4 in 4 years and if Gods willing I think Ill have my kids the same way. :) But want her always to feel like shes our kid just like the rest of our kids. I just know where there will be instances where she's going to feel left out more when they get old enough to tell her about things. We just don't make a point to tell her the things we do when shes not here that we know she would have enjoyed?!? And I know things will change when she gets older, and can drive, and have job, will probably start to loose her a little bit which I pray she still wants to come when it works. I guess im not sure what to expect as a step parent when that age comes, I feel the weekends obviously wont be set in stone, if she works or has school activities? IRUNONFAITH how does this work? Are yours old enough yet that their schedules are this busy? And know I shouldn't worry about this till the time comes, worry about today today and tomorrow tomorrow.

Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM

Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation.  I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing.  That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband.  My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August.  My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4.  My husband and I don't have children of our own either.  When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation.  I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife.  I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation.  Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure.  Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot.  After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet.  BEST DECISION EVER!!!!  Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls.  There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant.  Maybe even offer her a compliment.  I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom".  I knew my role clearly.  I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak.  Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour.  My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about.  I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad  word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.  

There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge.  It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point.  It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way.  Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with.  Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things.  If not, don't engage and just hit ignore. 

We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great.  We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me.  My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together?????  Yep, sure is.  We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world.  She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls.  In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters".  This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket.  It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night.  At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter.  I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same.  Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too.  I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!

So, yes, it is HARD!  Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed.  You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved.  But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life!  I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children.  I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do.  I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife.  She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women.