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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
  
Location: Bastrop, Texas | RidenFly - 2015-03-07 9:03 AM
luluwhit - 2015-03-08 5:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....Â
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.Â
But she's not loving him. She's using him. She loves him but she's not in love with him and I think it's robbing that guy of happiness he doesn't even know about.  I'm not showing my Azzz  and what a thing for you to say to anyone who post on here. She asked for opinions and got them. I'm surprised at you.Â
Actually, I'm not surprised. | |
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 I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
 
| RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her.  I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy.  Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her.  I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy.  Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
If
 I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
I've never had someone do that for me! Great idea. I think a a good foot rub and back rub for your man should be one of your wifely duties as well.  | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Bear - 2015-03-08 9:28 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
Why the sneaky guy? If you're in love, and you truly want to uplift your man, you would do it, and do it with joy. You know, what you give, you get. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. | |
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 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
Location: Sunnyland Florida | Bear - 2015-03-07 1:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
We replaced "obey" with "cherish" in our wedding vows!! Most wives don't obey anyway!! But the husband must obey.
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM
Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.  | |
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | Bear - 2015-03-07 11:28 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
Maybe there's a reason no one has done these things for you. | |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM
rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her.  I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy.  Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
 Holy crap! I love that idea of a warm towel for when getting out of the shower. Dang I would do anything for that woman. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Douglas J Gordon - 2015-03-08 10:51 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated. Holy crap! I love that idea of a warm towel for when getting out of the shower. Dang I would do anything for that woman.
See. Dougie gets it. | |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.
LOL, Scott is trying to stir **** again. Actually, the bible does say that the wife should submit herself unto her husband. It also says that the husband is suppose to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Christ dedicated his life to the church and offered himself to die a horrific death in order that the church (believers) could have eternal life. I DON'T KNOW A WOMAN ALIVE THAT WOULD NOT WILLINGLY SUBMIT HERSELF TO A MAN WHO WOULD LOVE AND CHERISH HER AS CHRIST DID THE CHURCH. | |
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I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| RidenFly - 2015-03-07 11:49 AM
 If you're in love, and you truly want to uplift your man, you would do it, and do it with joy.   You know, what you give, you get.Â
I wish! Unfortunately, this is not always the case. | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | luluwhit - 2015-03-07 8:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.
She is the one that stated she cant manufactor love if it wasnt there to begin with.. so no showing my azz here.. she said it herself so why did she marry him? for support or for somewhere to go or what? thats using someone isnt it?just being honest with what she has stated.. not bashing her just being honest . | |
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 Googly Goo
Posts: 7053
| Hollywood's Fan - 2015-03-07 2:01 PM classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.
Well done, Hollywood. Most people quote only the first half of that verse. A good husband has an awesome but impossible obligation to be Christ like. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 3:27 PM luluwhit - 2015-03-07 8:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it. She is the one that stated she cant manufactor love if it wasnt there to begin with.. so no showing my azz here.. she said it herself so why did she marry him? for support or for somewhere to go or what? thats using someone isnt it?just being honest with what she has stated.. not bashing her just being honest .
Thats right Bibs  , and I dont see myself being an azzzz either, I just read what she wrote and it dont seen that theres any love on her end and to say that she withwholds the S word from him is kinda being a child to me that got married for all the wrong reason's. | |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | Bear - 2015-03-07 1:14 PM
Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
lol, obey!! What's that??? I know in my relationship that I fail on that one!!! | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases.
Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two.
She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being."
She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it.
Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow.
Aarrghhhhh!
We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
Edited by oija 2015-03-07 8:26 PM
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | oija - 2015-03-07 9:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with?
she said she loves him as a brother or friend.. to me that means not as a husband and her sentence above threw me so I asked why did she marry him ?
if it hurt her feelings I am sorry.. it wasnt meant to but it was a question and if it wasnt for love and it love wasnt there from the beginning... well shes going to get opinions and I feel we can never express ours anymore on here .. so what do you want us to do? or say? she asked ? I am sure shes not a hitlar with boobs as you call it.. My opinion wasnt attacking her.. shame on her for doing what she did yes.. but not attacking her .
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-03-07 8:32 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | She never said love wasn't there; she said she had little physical attraction. Big difference. Less physical attraction can make it harder to jump into bed and be super passionate but it is not a requirement. There are other ways to be attracted. Love is a learned behavior. Passion can be learned too. What is the kama sutra about? Its a book about how to enjoy sexual love about how to learn how to have good sex. I know of a few young people, especially who are inexperienced sexually, that have tons of passion but then fumble around because of inexperience. They learn how to make love and do it well, or sometimes they become so disheartened that no matter the physical attraction they stop trying. Good sex is often a great cure. It helps generate passion. Who doesn't like to feel good? I'm not saying don't express opinions; I'm saying calculate them. It's that whole 'think before you speak' thing good parents teach us. Or in this case read before you write. I actually like seeing a myriad of opinions on here to a great degree. I've seen some posters that needed a wake up call. This one, maybe not so much. | |
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