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 Expert
Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | So I'll try to make this as short as possible..... My Mom whom I live a very long ways from and only get to see about 4x a year is going through a rough time, it's been going on for a while now and a few major life changes have caused it I believe.... My parents diviorced about 14 years ago and she has never remarried, seems every guy she dates she doesn't end up liking or breaks up with after a long period of time, she says she's lonely and calls me constantly asking why no one loves her and why God hates her and that my other siblings don't love her and I'm the only one that does....(you get the point, always negative and "poor me") then.... my Grandfather passed away 4 years ago and my Grandmother is very handicapped and not very healthy but is able to live at home with a lot of help from my Mom but after 4 years of Grandpa out of the picture and her having to take her to numerous doctors apps hrs away and make many trips to her house with only one other sibling who doesn't help much at all, this too has wore her down and she says that my Grandma is mean to her and makees her feel bad. She sends me text messages all the time saying I'm the only one that cares about her and she misses me so much etc.... same texts over and over.
Well now it's gotten even worse, she is addicted to the sleeping pill ambien, is ALWAYS sick (or so she thinks) and goes to the doctor almost every week (every time I see her I've had to take her to the doctor) she doesn't exercise or eat very healthy (drinks diet coke all day long) and I've told her time and time again this is why she's probably always getting sick and with all the added stress or her job and my Grandma and she HAS to take care of herself but it just doesn't work, she works very odd hours and seems to always have an excuse to take a nap EVERY DAY so then she works odd hours and can't get a regular sleep schedule. She is drinking wine and vodka while taking ambien, and many times when I call her in the middle of the day, she is SO out of it she doesn't make sense and doesn't remember I even called! I'm really really worried about her as I recieved a suicidal text from her about 2 months ago that said "I just can't do it anymore, I love you and you have made my life so happy", I called her back immedietly panicking and talked to her for 2 hrs trying to encourage her...... she was usually always happy when I see her and glad to visit but the past few times I've seen her, she's broke down and bawled for hrs and I've talked to her and she says she feels better but then 1 day later back to the same thing, it's wearing on me and our family....
Sorry for the long story but I am out of ideas, I cannot watch her constantly as I live out of state and my sibling aren't willing and just yell at her and make it worse! I'm afraid I'm losing my Mom and I have no clue what to do, has anyone ever been through something like this? how do I get her help? She is a counselor so you'd think she'd KNOW how to get help and recognize that she needs it so I'm so confused why she hasn't? Any suggeestions on what I can do to get her healthy again I would greatly appreciate! | |
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 Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
 
| I'm sorry … I have no advice but send you prayers. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 234
| You may have to make some very hard decisions and have your Grandmother placed in a nursing home and your mother in an in house treatment program where she can get clean and deal with her depression. Sorry for you having to deal with this emotional roller coaster and send good thoughts your way. Remember to take care of yourself in the process | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| No advice, just prayers that God sends you answers and strength and awareness and strength for your mom to realize what is happening to her and what she is doing to you.  | |
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Expert
Posts: 1586
Location: west of East Texas | I feel your pain but I don't know how to fix it and my story has a very sad ending. My mom kind of did this also. She had very self-destructive habits and started getting meaner and more negative to everyone but me. I saw as she aged from about 55 on that her world got smaller and smaller and her drinking got heavier and heavier. Now, we had spent the better part of the previous 10 years arguing and basically disagreeing on my life choices which she freely advised me of. At 66 she was to the point that after a really bad weekend where she was horrid to everyone, drank excessively, 'ran away from home' and I spent 8 hours hunting her down, etc., I told her she couldn't go on like that and that I would take her to rehab/dr/counselor if she would please let me. She had made a turn over the last several months that I was thinking Altzheimers, dementia, drugs ---- something new was going on. We talked this over and over for a month and she refused to see any doctor but admitted that her drinking was out of hand and that she'd do something about it. She died in her sleep from an aneurysm six weeks after that horrible weekend. It was a great way to go - sudden, naturally, no prolong illness - but way too soon!
I wish I had forcibly taken her to get a complete physical from head to toe when I wanted to. It might have picked up on some issues, it might not have, but I would feel better knowing that I had done something when I really started worrying about her. I had started researching and quizzing her about her psyche but I feel like I didn't force the issue enough.
Talk her into signing Grandma up with some Home Health Care to get some help and signing herself up with some a aging parent support group, get a hobby, see a counselor. I know three LPCs and they all have their own counselors!
Now after saying all that.... you also have to remember that it's her life and her choices and she may just be happy being unhappy. I pray for you and for her and I know this is such a no-win situation, especially if there are other family members that aren't pulling their weight. Let God help. | |
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | As a former caregiver for my mother I can tell you that it is a drain on your system and that is even if everything and everyone around you is good. My fiancé is the most amazing human on earth, for 7 years he helped me with my mom, stayed with her on weekends when I had gymnastic meets with my gymnast or watched her when I got to go to a barrel race. My mom has dementia and a foley catheter so watching her is not merely walking in the house every few hours to make sure she has the channel on the TV that she wants, it is bathroom breaks and meals and dressing and undressing, etc. The strain of not being able to simply take off to town for a cup of coffee without making some kind of arrangement with my dad (who lived there too, he just was humanly incapable of caretaking for my mom, literally left her in dirty diapers and not fed if it suited him not to eat himself) or if Dave and I wanted to get away together I had to make arrangement with my sister, the only sibling willing to try to help. It took away some of my love for my dad, my siblings and I barely speak and made me more a nurse for my mom than a daughter. Caught myself being angry at her at times even though I knew she would never have chosen this for me or any of her children. I was angry at friends simply because they were able to take off for a barrel race. I remember being devastated that one of them called another friend and asked her to go to the barrel races in AZ with her, a friend who doesn't even run barrels. Then I had to laugh at myself, I couldn't go!!! I could barely get out of town for an over night away every 3-4 months, there was no way I was getting out of town for 10 days, yet I was stilled secretly hurt, hurt that they could, hurt that I wasn't at least asked. I was just angry in general at everyone.
Now with your mom and your grandma, sounds like your mom had some issues going on even before she had to take up the care of your grandmother. See if there is anyway you can get at least some part time help there, it is hard, you have to find someone you trust totally because lets face it, that person has access to a lot. The person we had was wonderful, the bad part was that she was there during the day when I was at work so there was no relief for me other than during those hours at least I knew mom was fed and had clean diapers on. You and your siblings need to sit down, see what you can come up with idea wise to help get your mom some relief, be it a live in person or maybe a home for your grandma. Hopefully your mom or your grandma will qualify for some type of help financially for that. Until you get some pressure off your mom in this regards I do not think you can help her with her mental or physical issues. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | chasendacash - 2015-01-15 11:03 AM
I feel your pain but I don't know how to fix it and my story has a very sad ending. My mom kind of did this also. She had very self-destructive habits and started getting meaner and more negative to everyone but me. I saw as she aged from about 55 on that her world got smaller and smaller and her drinking got heavier and heavier. Now, we had spent the better part of the previous 10 years arguing and basically disagreeing on my life choices which she freely advised me of.   At 66 she was to the point that after a really bad weekend where she was horrid to everyone, drank excessively, 'ran away from home' and I spent 8 hours hunting her down, etc., I told her she couldn't go on like that and that I would take her to rehab/dr/counselor if she would please let me. She had made a turn over the last several months that I was thinking Altzheimers, dementia, drugs ---- something new was going on.  We talked this over and over for a month and she refused to see any doctor but admitted that her drinking was out of hand and that she'd do something about it. She died in her sleep from an aneurysm six weeks after that horrible weekend.  It was a great way to go - sudden, naturally, no prolong illness - but way too soon!
I wish I had forcibly taken her to get a complete physical from head to toe when I wanted to. It might have picked up on some issues, it might not have, but I would feel better knowing that I had done something when I really started worrying about her. I had started researching and quizzing her about her psyche but I feel like I didn't force the issue enough.
Talk her into signing Grandma up with some Home Health Care to get some help and signing herself up with some a aging parent support group, get a hobby, see a counselor.  I know three LPCs and they all have their own counselors!Â
Now after saying all that.... you also have to remember that it's her life and her choices and she may just be happy being unhappy.   I pray for you and for her and I know this is such a no-win situation, especially if there are other family members that aren't pulling their weight. Let God help.
I am so sorry you had to go through this, how horrible. Thank you for the kind words.
We actually have hired two ladies to get grandma up in the am, give her bathes and put her to bed but my Mom still has to go to all the dr. app because she's the only one who knows the medical history (she says) and grandma won't ask for help from anyone else, she refuses and always wants my Mom there and doesn't seem to understand that my Mom CANNOT work full time and do it all! But I do think my Mom overexaggerates how much she has to help her but maybe not... I've never had to do it because I've lived away from home but she's not there as often as she says... | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | run n rate - 2015-01-15 12:11 PM
As a former caregiver for my mother I can tell you that it is a drain on your system and that is even if everything and everyone around you is good. My fiancé is the most amazing human on earth, for 7 years he helped me with my mom, stayed with her on weekends when I had gymnastic meets with my gymnast or watched her when I got to go to a barrel race. My mom has dementia and a foley catheter so watching her is not merely walking in the house every few hours to make sure she has the channel on the TV that she wants, it is bathroom breaks and meals and dressing and undressing, etc. The strain of not being able to simply take off to town for a cup of coffee without making some kind of arrangement with my dad (who lived there too, he just was humanly incapable of caretaking for my mom, literally left her in dirty diapers and not fed if it suited him not to eat himself) or if Dave and I wanted to get away together I had to make arrangement with my sister, the only sibling willing to try to help. It took away some of my love for my dad, my siblings and I barely speak and made me more a nurse for my mom than a daughter. Caught myself being angry at her at times even though I knew she would never have chosen this for me or any of her children. I was angry at friends simply because they were able to take off for a barrel race. I remember being devastated that one of them called another friend and asked her to go to the barrel races in AZ with her, a friend who doesn't even run barrels. Then I had to laugh at myself, I couldn't go!!! I could barely get out of town for an over night away every 3-4 months, there was no way I was getting out of town for 10 days, yet I was stilled secretly hurt, hurt that they could, hurt that I wasn't at least asked. I was just angry in general at everyone.
Now with your mom and your grandma, sounds like your mom had some issues going on even before she had to take up the care of your grandmother. See if there is anyway you can get at least some part time help there, it is hard, you have to find someone you trust totally because lets face it, that person has access to a lot. The person we had was wonderful, the bad part was that she was there during the day when I was at work so there was no relief for me other than during those hours at least I knew mom was fed and had clean diapers on. You and your siblings need to sit down, see what you can come up with idea wise to help get your mom some relief, be it a live in person or maybe a home for your grandma. Hopefully your mom or your grandma will qualify for some type of help financially for that. Until you get some pressure off your mom in this regards I do not think you can help her with her mental or physical issues.
I so understand what you are saying! I'm so sorry! Thank you for relating to this! Sounds like your fiance and you are wonderful poeple to do all that for your Mother, God bless you! | |
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Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | I know what it is to be that person that is the caretaker and feel like you are standing outside watching a world move on without you and combine that with whatever issues your mom had before it doubles the stress and anxiety. It also doubles the stress you already have on you by being the child that your mom confides in and calls on when she is stressed out. I look back at my facebook page before my mom had the stroke and had to go to a care facility and I just shake my head at myself...I was hateful and grumpy. My mom having the stroke was the worst day of my life BUT it forced me to make decisions for her that were better for her, better for me in the long run also, and gave me back my mom and to some extent my siblings and I kind of even like my dad again every now and then, LOL!!! Your mom probably doesn't want to make this decision either but it sounds like the best thing for her health both physically and mentally, she just may need some support letting her know she isn't being selfish. | |
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | Prayers for your situation.. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | Your mother is feeling like she is in a situation prison. She feels like she is being cheated out of her own life. She feels stuck and is watching everyone else have a wonderfull life. Your grandmother needs to go to assisted living or a nurseing home. Your mother needs a life of her own. I had to take care of my mother, an uncle and a good neighbor friend. You get pretty bitter watching everbody else going on about their lives as they choose to do everyday. Your mother needs companionship from someone that she can go and do things with. Without the guilt of not being back home taking care of her mother.
Edited by BS Hauler 2015-01-16 12:20 PM
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | I was once told that families keep their elderly parent at home for about two years too long. It's not an easy choice, but it sounds like grandma needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. She just needs way too much help in her daily living. Then your mom could go visit and not feel so forced to care for her. Your mom is going to have to make a stand for herself and her own sanity.
Also, it sounds like your mom is terribly depressed and alcohol only makes it worse. You will have to set a boundary with her - hard as this is. She is going to have to take control of her life and not become so dependent on you. You can't provide all the answers. She needs a therapist, or her own support system. Drinking and isolating herself just digs the hole deeper.
There is a very good book that you can get on Amazon, called "Boundaries, when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life." Buy two - one for yourself, one for your mom.
Edited by Fun2Run 2015-01-16 1:23 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Fun2Run - 2015-01-16 1:21 PM
I was once told that families keep their elderly parent at home for about two years too long. It's not an easy choice, but it sounds like grandma needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. She just needs way too much help in her daily living. Then your mom could go visit and not feel so forced to care for her. Your mom is going to have to make a stand for herself and her own sanity.
Also, it sounds like your mom is terribly depressed and alcohol only makes it worse. You will have to set a boundary with her - hard as this is. She is going to have to take control of her life and not become so dependent on you. You can't provide all the answers. She needs a therapist, or her own support system. Drinking and isolating herself just digs the hole deeper.
There is a very good book that you can get on Amazon, called "Boundaries, when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life." Buy two - one for yourself, one for your mom.
Â
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Thank you! I will read this and get one for her! | |
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Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | BS Hauler - 2015-01-17 10:18 AM
Your mother is feeling like she is in a situation prison. She feels like she is being cheated out of her own life. She feels stuck and is watching everyone else have a wonderfull life. Your grandmother needs to go to assisted living or a nurseing home. Your mother needs a life of her own. I had to take care of my mother, an uncle and a good neighbor friend. You get pretty bitter watching everbody else going on about their lives as they choose to do everyday. Your mother needs companionship from someone that she can go and do things with. Without the guilt of not being back home taking care of her mother.
Absolutely!
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1118
Location: The South | I'm sorry you're having to go through this; I wish I had some sort of good advice. I don't, but I just want to share that I think she needs to get off the Ambien. I am terrified of that drug (and I'm a pharmacist-half of my hometown is on it!).
People have driven to work in the middle of the night, cooked meals, etc with no memory of it the next day. Needless to say if she's drinking with it, that adds to the problems.
I hope things get better and you are able to find some peace. | |
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | LindsayJordan84 - 2015-01-17 12:57 AM I'm sorry you're having to go through this; I wish I had some sort of good advice. I don't, but I just want to share that I think she needs to get off the Ambien. I am terrified of that drug (and I'm a pharmacist-half of my hometown is on it!).
People have driven to work in the middle of the night, cooked meals, etc with no memory of it the next day. Needless to say if she's drinking with it, that adds to the problems.
I hope things get better and you are able to find some peace.
I agree! Ambien can affect people in totally different. I've taken ambien twice, the reccomended dose. One time as I was going to sleep all of a sudden there was a circus in my room, I just layed there and watched the circus. The other time there was a man standing in front of my door seeming like he was blocking me in which was scary but he couldn't see me and my fire detector light turned into a flying spaceship on my ceiling.. Obviously neither situations really happened, but I swear that's what was happening. Needless to say I am not allowed to take ambien lol It's scary to think what they must put in these sleeping pills to make hallucinations like that happen.. | |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | She can either drink OR take Ambien - not both. I'd talk to her doctor and explain she's using both together and bet you can get her Rx ended. | |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | jbw tx mom - 2015-01-15 10:43 AM You may have to make some very hard decisions and have your Grandmother placed in a nursing home and your mother in an in house treatment program where she can get clean and deal with her depression. Sorry for you having to deal with this emotional roller coaster and send good thoughts your way. Remember to take care of yourself in the process
This in that your mom has deep depression and is an alcoholic which is snowballing the deppression. Alcohol is a depressant. You have got to get her off the booze and sleeping pills. Get her into treatment. | |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | I would have given the same advice as some have already posted. So I will just give  . We have been threw something similar with my husbands family. | |
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