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| I don't usually come to this forum for this type of advice but after 4 months I'm still struggling with how to react or what to do. I have a friend I'll call Sue. Sue is divorced, mature (over 40), successful career. About 6 months ago she met a guy in a bar. They hit it off that night. She was excited. She finds out a week or so later he is married. I found out she still saw him a few times after the fact and they ended up having a brief affair. I told her point blank as soon as she found out he was married what my thoughts were on this. Hands off Sue - he is married. Affairs hurt A LOT of people. Not just the 3 involved. It ripples out to family and friends.
The affair ended, although they have chatted from time to time, text and are still friends on fb. Her fb posts are filled with gaggy lost love stuff.
I'm struggling with the fact I have lost a lot of respect for someone I had a lot of respect for. I've pulled back from our friendship quite a bit. I do still see her as we run in the same circles. I'm just at a loss as to how to handle this. I'm sure she senses that things have changed. When I see her I keep the conversation very neutral, when she has brought him up in conversation I change the conversation instantly to horses or something else neutral.
I guess I want our friendship back how it used to be. We had a lot of fun together, she was hilarious. Now she isn't herself either. She is quite cranky most days.
How do I get back to what we had. Or is that not even possible. To be honest I haven't talked to her about any of this. I told her my firm opinion when she told me he was married. We haven't discussed it since. I'm just really not sure what to do. Just continue to keep my distance or talk to her about how I'm feeling? But because I feel like I've lost so much respect for her I'm not sure what talking to her would accomplish. Suggestions?
ps. I am married for many, many years. I've also seen the hurt affairs cause from family and friends going through it, so I am very sensitive to infidelity.
Edited by anewme 2015-04-03 3:08 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 307
Location: Florida | You're right; it's not OK. It's ESPECIALLY not OK for him, being married; but your friend should have the class & the self-respect not to have any kind of inappropriate relationship with a married man. Yes he is the one breaking the vows, but it's not right on either side. Whether there was physical cheating or not- it ain't loyal. Been there done that. And I can see your point of view as a married woman not being able to tolerate it. I know, and I'm unapologetic about it, that I couldn't continue to hang around a friend that KNOWINGLY put a marriage in that position. I don't have any advice on how to get it back to how it was except to be there for your friend when you can but make sure she knows you know it's not right.
Once some women get their mind set and a little taste of attention from somewhere a lot of times nothing can change their minds but learning the hard way. Her reputation will take care of that for her if she's not careful, going at this rate :( It's a real shame for everyone involved.
ETA: It's also a sore-spot for me and there's absolutely never a time that it's ok in my book. If you're not happy with the person you're with then go be with someone else, don't sneak around and ruin everyone's life being selfish.
Edited by rach.k 2015-04-03 3:31 PM
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 Veteran
Posts: 292
Location: Northeast Nebraska | I would drop her like a hot rock. And I would tell her it's because she is a sleazy ho. |
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 Regular
Posts: 96
| rach.k - 2015-04-03 3:22 PM
You're right; it's not OK. It's ESPECIALLY not OK for him, being married; but your friend should have the class & the self-respect not to have any kind of inappropriate relationship with a married man. Yes he is the one breaking the vows, but it's not right on either side. Whether there was physical cheating or not- it ain't loyal. Been there done that. And I can see your point of view as a married woman not being able to tolerate it. I know, and I'm unapologetic about it, that I couldn't continue to hang around a friend that KNOWINGLY put a marriage in that position. I don't have any advice on how to get it back to how it was except to be there for your friend when you can but make sure she knows you know it's not right.
Once some women get their mind set and a little taste of attention from somewhere a lot of times nothing can change their minds but learning the hard way. Her reputation will take care of that for her if she's not careful, going at this rate :( It's a real shame for everyone involved.
ETA: It's also a sore-spot for me and there's absolutely never a time that it's ok in my book. If you're not happy with the person you're with then go be with someone else, don't sneak around and ruin everyone's life being selfish.
^^This. Completely agree. I have been through the close to same thing as the OP, only reversed. I was married, and my best friend was married but cheating on her husband, who was away in Afghanistan. I told her what I felt about it, and I didn't condone it. I still tried to be friends with her for quite a while, one affair after the other, but I just couldn't morally do it. Especially when she wanted me and my husband to go to dinner and such with her and the guy she was cheating on her husband with. I finally got to the point I felt I couldn't do it any longer. I tried talking to her, but she would say it was 'true love' or whatever and that I was 'being silly'. It wasn't easy realizing I had to step away from a 10+ year friendship, but I did. And looking back, I miss the friendship yes, but I do not miss what I would have gotten drug into and the drama and the feeling of going against my morals being friends with her. Would I do it all again and end it if I was put in the same situation? Yes, probably. I really hope you can heal, and maybe find a way to repair the friendship, but I wouldn't count on it. If she regretted it, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like she does. Best of luck to you, and God Bless.
Edited by theerebel 2015-04-03 4:27 PM
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
 
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | There is NO excuse for any kind of affair on either side. I could not and would not be friends with someone like this, all they do is cause drama and hurt familys. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Shes the type to never be trusted around with your husband. |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
 
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Friendships ebb and flow. I think I would flee this one. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 974
Location: In the wrong place at the wrong time | I could not be friends with someone who would do that. |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| Delta Cowgirl - 2015-04-03 5:39 PM Friendships ebb and flow. I think I would flee this one.
Sad truth
? I dropped a friend of 16 years for this reason. But I did talk to her about it. Maybe it will help her realize how wrong she is with her behavior, even if you can't salvage your friendship.. |
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| Thanks all. You helped me realize I wasn't being unreasonable in my thoughts. And that they are valid. I've come to the conclusion our relationship just won't ever be the same. Cutting her totally out isn't feasible as we run in too many of the same circles and share too many friends and this is a smaller community. Almost impossible to avoid her and I don't want to be enemies with anyone. But I have cooled it off with her a lot.
Pretty sure I'm safe where my husband is concerned. She is NOT his type at all. She doesn't possess the looks or qualities he finds attractive. He'd go running fast if she even tried to flirt with him.
But thanks again. I'm not feeling like a bad friend after your comments. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Let go of your expectations.
People are often disappointing. Accept them as there, and keep those around who make you happy.
It honestly sounds as though you two have grown apart. I'd keep things friendly, but maybe not spend as much time together as you used to. Things seem to have run their course anyway. |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | Mmmm... Nope. I don't need a homewrecker around me and my husband, I don't care how long we are friends.
If that marriage is ok to destroy (which if the wife ever finds out it very well could) then who is to say your marriage wouldn't be on her hit list one day.
I trust my husband 100% but you can bet your pretty little face that I'm not gonna hand him a hoochie on a platter. |
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