Ok, backstory....

I have a tumultuous relationship with my older sister.  She's borderline narissist, I am the family scapegoat.  At times been WW3 throughout my adult life.  

I had a grade mare that was very special to me that sustained what I thought was a career ending injury but suitable for light riding.  Or so I thought, now with more knowledge I think she could be lightly competed on with maintenance.  

I had given this mare to my sister who barely rides and does not barrel race.  I am emotionally attached to the horse and could not sell her.  I thought this was a great solution to keep her nearby but not actually have to sell her and she would be off my feed bill.  Plus would be an olive branch of sorts to my sister who is my only remaining living relative.  Both parents and our sister have passed within the last 10 years.

So the other day, went by the barn where mare is kept in our hometown 2 hours away.  Was looking at a horse for my granddaughter and went to peek at my mare.  Well, lets say I was NOT happy at her condition.  Looked like her feet have not been done but one time in the last year.  And I say one time cause she posted about it last fall, and I am fairly certain they have not been done since.

Rain rot on at least her face, muddy, ****ty pen so I could not go in there to see where else.

wheepy eyes

Back legs so stocked up like tree trunks, so god only knows what thrush or white line she has going on.  I made it clear mare needed to be on a very short trim cycle and she stayed sound but if you don't she gets contracted heals and is not sound.

Sooooo, I made up a story about needing her for my lesson program and needed her back.  Not actually a lie, I am short lesson horses and she is needed but my sister thinks she will be getting her back at some point.

How do I navigate this situation without starting a nuclear family war?  She will go out of her way to run my name through the mud, I don't even know why I tried to make this work but here I am.  And I really do not ever want to send the mare back at any point due to the poor care she is receiving.

If you made it this far in my novel, thanks.  IDK if there is even a way to get out of this without conflict, maybe I just need moral support.  All advice is appreciated lol.

Go get your horse. The people who matter will understand.

Go get your horse and document everything. Take pictures of the dirty stall, sores, feet, all of it. Keep records of any vet work that has to be done to get her healthy. That way, if anything does blow up you have proof that the horse was in a poor situation if **** hits the fan. And honestly if the horse is in that poor of shape and people want to believe her, who cares? It sounds like a good way to remove people from your life that are bringing you negative energy and unnecessary drama.

So why exactly do you care about what she says about you?

If she's a narcasist, everyone else likely knows it too. And whoever wants to believe her, well, they aren't worth your time of day either.

I know she is your sister and that stinks, but why do you walk around with this burden? Surround yourself with GOOD FRIENDS who can be better than family.

Go get your horse, forget about your sister, move on with your life and be happy.

She's your horse in the first place. You are under no obligation to give her back. As others have said, take pictures of her condition to save as proof, and tell her where to go if/when she threatens to take you to court.

Grow a backbone. And be an example to your children and grandchild about not letting narcasists bully others, and do not allow yourself to be the scapegoat.

My mom's side of the family has their fair share of drama too. It's really sad when grown adults are less mature than myself and the cousins, because we all see how stupid the aunts and uncles are all being. If they want to let petty things bother them and give others the silent treatment, well, we aren't losing any sleep over it. Their choice. Their decision. We're happy living our lives and they can be miserable all on their own.

Get your horse and don't look back.  Family isn't always blood.  And, frankly, who cares what others say or think? 

Been there, done that................

You are right. She is alot older than me and has made my life a living hell more than once, I think it's just residual trauma.  I guess if she trashes me to everyone in my hometown, it should not matter.  I try to avoid that place like the plague anyways.

At the end of the day, my horse is the most important thing and there is likely not going to be any way to keep her here without a dumpster fire so I need to just accept it for what it is and move on.

This is going to be lengthy... but I truly hope you take the time to read it.

It's obvious that there is a lot wrapped up in this... grief, family dynamics, guilt, hope, and a whole lot of love for your mare, and it makes perfect sense why this would feel like a no-win situation for you.

You made what felt like a generous, thoughtful decision.  You were trying to keep your mare safe and extend a lifeline to your family.  That isn't weakness - it was hope.  It was love.  But now that you have seen the result, you know what needs to be done.  You are not a villan for protecting an animal you love.  You gave your sister a chance.  She blew it.  That's on her, not you. 

You are aboslutely justified in reclaiming your mare.  The condition you described is completely unacceptable.  It's neglect, plain and simple.  Hooves, eyes, legs, skin... that's not minor.  You don't need another reason to bring her home.  You have all the reason in the world.  She deserves better, and you can give it to her.

As far as not lighting the bridge on fire that you've built between you and your sister, stick to your story.  The mare is needed for your program and keep what you tell her about that professional, not emotional.  That will give her less ammo to emotionally manipulate the situation.  Set boundaries now.  If she starts asking when she's getting the horse back, be vague at first. Over time, shift that vague answer into something like, "It's looking like she's going to stay in the program permanently.  It's working out too well to undo."  Limit your vulnerability.  The more emotional ground you give her, the more she can twist.  You're allowed to claim what's yours. Period.  If there's any chance she could escalate or make trouble legally or online, have proof of ownership, vet records, farrier receipts, etc.  You don't want to have to use them, but you'll feel safer knowing that you could. 

As far as being the scapegoat, this whole dynamic isn't just about the horse.  It's about all the patterns with her.  You tried to offer peace, she proved that she still isn't capable of giving you a safe relationship.  That sucks, and I'm sorry.  But it also clarifies things, doesn't it?  You have every right to set hard boundaries with her, even if you love her, even if she's "all that's left."

If she blows up, let her rant.  Let her post.  Let her talk trash.  Don't respond.  Don't defend.  People who know you will see the truth.  And honestly, people who buy into her drama were never on your side to begin with.

At the end of the day, I hope you do decide to go get your mare out of that situation.  

Oh my gosh, you get it and thank you for your understanding.  Every word of this is exactly how I feel and have so much trouble accepting.  Reading what you put so well into words made me cry because she's treated me like this for my entire life.  I ignored it or just took it for so many years.  I guess hurting one of my favorite animals is what it takes to cut that tie.

To update, I did go get her.  Once I got her home, it was worse than I originally thought.  I do not regret my decision one bit.  And like you said, my sister is what she is and I guess if people buy into her crap, that's on them.  At least I have my horse back.

The owner of the barn confirmed her feet had not been done since last summer.

She was so sad the first couple of days but her eyes brightened after about day 3 and she is starting to act like her perky self. 

Below are pics of her with me and you can see she's a robust and healthy girl.  The other pics are of when I brought her home last week. 

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and honestly if she ever starts conflict, I may use parts of your post.  It made me feel so much better to read somone that gets it.  UGH, what a mess.

It makes me so happy knowing that you went and got you mare.  If you ever need someone to talk to or need help with something, please don't hesitate to reach out.  You can PM me and I'll send you my number.

I would add "TAKE PICTURES" so if things get nasty you have proof of neglect on your side

At the bottom of my last comment is links to pics.  I am stupid and didn't know how to add to the actual comment.  You can see how robust she is vs when I brought her home last week.  Also, the pictures don't really do justice.  She's about 200lbs underweight.  Her feet were confirmed not to have been trimmed since last summer and the mud on her belly is so matted I will have to shave it because I cannot pry it off.